In Memory Of Johnny Giovanni

Sleep Where Art Thou?

2011-11-18T11:24:00.000-08:00

I think in three months I may have gotten about 4 hours of sleep total. I feel guilty even writing about how tired I am, how draining Anaiese is, how much of a high needs baby she is...when there are so many out there that would love just to fill their arms with an infant, so badly that it hurts. I remember those days. I do. But I feel I need to vent and I hope I don't hurt anyone along the way. I'm just exhausted. She cries nearly all day and all night. She rarely naps and when she does its only for 20 mins or so. She wakes up 5-6 times a night, sucks on a bottle for a few seconds and then goes back to sleep. I wish I could go back to sleep so easily. I toss and turn just long enough to get comfy and then be awoken again. Please BTDT mommies of high needs babies, reassure me this isn't forever, it will end sometime, that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. I'm so tired I can't even think straight. I love my daughter, more than life. I just wish she would sleep.

October 2011

2011-10-14T13:44:00.000-07:00

Another October is upon us. October used to be my favorite month, and I guess in a way it still is. I love Halloween and dressing up, watching the kids pick a pumpkin and decorate it. The changes in the weather and the leaves color, although we don't get that here in Arizona. Not only do I love all the gouls of October, but I also love that October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness month. Stillbirth is still taboo in America. When stillbirth is brought to light its quickly and never gone into detail. No, its not pretty, its not nice, its not something I'd wish on ANYONE - but it DOES happen and people NEED to be aware. How many OB's really push kick counts? How many times have you heard "drink something cold and sugary and lie down on your side" if the baby isn't moving? Sad to say by that time your baby could be gone. Society in general needs to know that stillbirth happens, more than you think. 1 in every 200 births ends in a stillborn child. Thats more than SIDS, yet not spoken about even half as much. Please, if you know someone that is pregnant, or are pregnant yourself, read some of the information I have posted in the links on the left side of my blog, count your kicks and record them, and most of all - don't let anyone else tell you what is best for you or for your baby. I wish I had all this information before my son died, maybe things would have been different....or maybe not. Either way for October 14, 2011 I remember Johnny Giovanni who was taken much too soon on March 14, 2009. My beautiful baby would have been a handsome toddler by now. I miss you Squishy and I will never forget.

Time Heals All Wounds....Doesn't It??

2011-07-14T18:06:00.001-07:00

I thought it was supposed to get easier after awhile...but instead its getting harder. I started therapy recently. The counselor told me it would get harder for awhile before it gets easier. Its like re opening a wound. I feel like I can't breathe, its like a panic attack on top of another panic attack. They barely have time to calm down before another one comes on. I hate hate hate the 14th. I hate this day and everything about it. How long until it gets easier? I guess only time will tell. Has anyone reading this gone through grief counseling before? How long did it take before it got easier? Its all at the surface right now, like it just happened yesterday. After to recollect everything all over again makes my stomach turn. I feel sick and dizzy; out of breathe. I hate this.

Grief sucks.

He's never too far away...

2011-06-23T22:18:00.001-07:00

Its been forever since I have written to you all. It seems like I never have time anymore...something I'm sure many of you long for....something that I longed for and am lucky enough to say I now have. Something prompted me to write here a couple of days ago and now that I actually have a free moment - I decided to share with you my experience.

The other day I was siting on the couch, holding Annie while she slept (like always) and was attempting to have a snack - some Sun Chips. I was sitting on the edge of the couch so I couldn't see behind me, when all of a sudden I hear "Mommy, can I have some chips?" I thought it was my older daughter Annissa (since we were the only ones home at the time) I turned around and no one was there. I thought Annissa was pulling a prank on me so I called her - she was at the end of the hall in her room with the door closed. There would have been no way she could have gotten there that fast, plus I would have heard the door. The only explanation I have - and it might sound crazy - is baby Johnny was just letting me know he was here (and apparently likes Sun Chips. :)

I miss my son. A ton.

Ramblings

2011-05-03T13:53:00.000-07:00

I've been having nightmares. Horrible demented nightmares. Things that I won't even post here because even talking about them, thinking about them makes goosebumps appear on my arms. I thought it would be easier once my Annie was here safe and sound, but it just opens up a world of more fears. What could go wrong today? Car accidents, I could slip and fall while carrying her, SIDS, etc the list just goes on and on. With Mother's day quickly approaching I can't help but yearn for those little scribbled "cards" and on the fly kisses that I'm missing from what should be my two year old. Happy Mothers day indeed.

Sigh.

The Burdens That We Carry

2011-04-15T10:10:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was the 14th. Even after 25 months I still hate and dread this date every month (will that ever go away? - I'm starting to think not) I looked through his little box on the 13th and as I did I felt like my heart was going to explode from my chest. I know it was anxiety, but I couldn't stop looking. Then I compared his little foot prints to Annies and that was about all I could bear when I seen that they looked almost identical. I frantically put everything away just as Big Johnny was walking in from work. I don't like to let him see me cry anymore so I hurriedly wiped away the tears as if everything was fine and dandy.

Why do I force myself to be strong around others? I don't know if its because I think they think its time for me to move, because of comments I've heard from people in the past, or....who knows? But I feel I must be strong and if that means hiding behind my emotions - so be it. I think a lot of it steams from the drama his second birthday/angelversary celebration steamed from. I had decided to throw my little Johnny a birthday party long before his second birthday arrived, but unlike last year, I had just wanted this year to be me, Big Johnny, and the kids. Big Johnny said we should invite my family. For some reason I knew it was going to bring forth drama.....and it did. I had a sister who refused to bring her children to the celebration because she said it would "physiologically damaging" to them, yet she had brought them to previous functions for baby Johnny. This hurt deeply, it cut me so deep I don't think that wound will ever heal. My mother didn't attend either because she doesn't like my sisters boyfriend and I had it at my sisters house. My OWN mother! Slice two - another wound that will never heal. But I had a little party for him nonetheless and two of my sisters came with their families and it was nice. But those wounds still hurt. Two weeks later I had a birthday party for my little Annissa who turned nine this year. My mother didn't attend again. Didn't even call my daughter to say happy birthday. Its ok though I made sure she had a nice birthday. Just makes me sad that a grandmother/mother refuses to be there for certain children and grandchildren. But this makes me stronger as well. I KNOW that I will NEVER be like this to my children or grandchildren and it makes me cherish my children that much more.

Hence my need to be strong - for myself and for my children. Ah well we each carry our own burdens I guess.

Afraid

2011-04-11T09:30:00.000-07:00

The anxiety of having my rainbow baby here and alive I think is worse than when I was pregnant; waiting and hoping she'd be born alive. Now I watch her breathe and hope and pray I never see her take her last breath. Night time sleeping evades me. I'm afraid the moment I fall asleep something will happen to her. The only way I can sleep if she is right next to me and sometimes even then I wonder what happens when I close my eyes.

When will this fear go away?

Our Life In Pics

2011-03-04T11:30:00.000-08:00

As you can imagine with a newborn its very difficult to find time to sit down and write. What I will say is this month SUCKS, bad. I hate March. I hate that its almost two years since I had to say hello and goodbye to my son. I hate that instead of having a real birthday party for my son I'm having an "Angelversary" party. Thats not fair. But I have come to realize nothing is fair when it comes to our angels.

That being said I'm very happy to have Annie in my life. She is truly my Sunshine (I still wish I would have named her that because its very fitting) She keeps me going on cloudy days. I love her. And now...our little Annie in pictures.

I feel so blessed to have my little Annie in my life and just love her to bits! :)

I posts pics and vids of Annie daily on facebook and invite all my blog friends to add me by email mommy2my3kiddos@gmail.com

Mixed Emotions

2011-02-23T07:47:00.000-08:00

I can't hardly believe my little Annie is almost a month old! This baby that I have dreamed, hoped, prayed, and pleaded to have is here and is healthy!! We received her chromosome testing on Monday that confirmed Annie does NOT have Trisomy 21 (AKA Down Syndrome) further chromosome testing will need to be ordered by her pediatrician.

While all this comes as great news, and believe me I'm over the moon happy for my princess, I can't help but think about our missing piece of the puzzle, our son. I'm sure a lot of it has to do with his second Angelversary rapidly approaching. I know much of it falls on my shoulders everyday as I look at Annie and watch her nurse and cry and do these beautiful little silly faces and wonder, would baby Johnny have done these same things? What kind of personality would he have had? As I look into Annie's beautiful blue eyes I find myself wondering what color eyes did my little man have? I know I must sound self fish, especially to all my angel mommies who have not yet (or who will never be) blessed with a Rainbow baby, and for that I'm sorry. I don't think there is ever a day where I will feel complete, even with my rainbow baby and all the love I have for her, she will never take baby Johnny's place. Ever. And I think in the back of mind I thought once she was here, it would be a little easier to swallow, but its not. Perhaps in time it will be, but for now that seems like a distant doubtful dream. I think I will forever and ever watch my Annie grow up and wonder....what if?

A little update on Annie - she is now taking a bottle (of mommy milk of course) and has no nipple confusion! Yay! She has already rolled from her tummy to her back and even though she is so small she has already outgrown one of her newborn outfits - that she of course never got a chance to wear! She is on a marathon nurse this week, eating every hour yesterday and today every two hours, which is very painful, but totally worth it. She loves her swing and boppy. :) I love my little Anaiese Sunshine Rose

Now for some updated pics!

She's Here!!

2011-02-08T13:17:00.000-08:00

Anaiese Sunshine Rose blessed us with her presence on January 28, 2011 at 8:41PM. She weighed 6lbs 7oz and was 17.5 inches long. She is perfect and beautiful. She had some issues in the beginning with her breathing, She had started grunting and this worried the peds so she was sent to something called a "transition nursery" which is a step up from NICU, but wasn't well enough to room in with me quite yet. She was able to come to recovery with me, which is where I first nursed her. We spent the first hour of her life together before they whisked her away from me for 4 hours. I could not hold or see my baby during the 4 hours of my "recovery" time where I was stuck in a bed monitoring my blood pressure and heart rate. It was the hardest part of her birth to be separated from her. Although big Johnny was allowed to go stay with her, it wasn't me, I couldn't see what they were doing to my baby and it drove me crazy just not knowing. Anaiese spent the first night of her life in this nursery. Finally after the four hours I was able to go see her, hold her, and nurse her again. She spent another four hours in the nursery before she was released to my room. I was overjoyed to have my baby. We spent two days in the hospital which is pretty much unheard of with a c-section but I think my dr knew I was done and just wanted to be home with my baby. We were released Sunday January 30th around 7PM.

Big Johnny was lucky enough to get a week off work to spend with me and Anaiese but this past Monday, he had to go back to work and its been just me on the clock since then. Its nice in a way to spend time with my baby alone but oh I'm so so tired!!! We are co-sleeping (bed sharing) which was my goal to begin with but I'd like to have her sleeping in the bassinet next to our bed but that hasn't happened as of yet.

She is a good nurser, but seems to sit at the boob and "play" with it when I know she is obviously hungry. When I then remove her from the breast she cries and cries and finally when I put her back she will then eat. I don't know why she does this or what to do to help her take the breast at the first latch. She doesn't always do this but I'd say about half the time. Anyone else out there in blog land experience this before?

I love having my baby girl here but I can't help but wonder what it would have been like to have my son here as well. Everyday I look at the things Anaiese does and wonder how Johnny would have been at day one, two, three, etc. What would his personality have been like? I feel selfish thinking these things when I have a live baby right here and there are so many angel mommas still waiting for their rainbows, but Annie (her nickname) will never replace Johnny and I know I will always still wonder, what if?

Well my blog followers, I leave you with some pictures of our beautiful Annie. Enjoy!

Where has the time gone - Week 36

2011-01-25T17:57:00.000-08:00

Wow I can't believe its been so long since I last posted!

So much as happened, where to start?!

Well on New Years Eve and New Years Day I was given steroid shots to mature baby girls lungs in case she would need to be taken early. Those shots were horrible and my butt, thighs, and back hurt for a good couple of weeks after receiving them. But the good news was baby girls lungs were ready for whatever was to come.

A week later baby girl's heart rate started to have decels on her NST test. What does that mean? Well during a non-stress test the doctors are looking for baby's heart rate to go up and come down - having excels and decels, just like we do. However when the heart rate goes down it should come right back up with no problem. Sometimes, however, baby's heart rate will go down (decel) and it will be hard for them to get it back to where it belongs. This is what was happening with baby girl. So I was admitted into the hospital and put on 24 hour monitoring. I spent five days hooked up to monitors watching baby girl around the clock. Finally Dr. Z and the peri's felt confident enough for me to go home and continue bi weekly testing. January 13th I was sent home. At this time we still had a c-section date of Feb 2nd.

The next day I saw Dr. Z who explained that they wanted to take baby girl on the exact day I turned 37 weeks and bypass the amnio. I agreed and my c-section date was moved up to January 28th.

Fast forward to today. All baby girls testing looks great! No more decels and the c-section is still scheduled for January 28th, this Friday! Ahhh!! Had my last ultrasound today in which baby girl already weighs a whopping 7lbs! If she was going to be in there until 40 weeks she would have been well over 9lbs according to the tech! YIKES!

So today I leave you with an updated belly pic, hopefully the next pic I post is a pic of my beautiful little girl! Only three more days now!

Ramblings

2010-12-28T23:22:00.000-08:00

Welcome week 32!

Its hard to imagine that in 5 weeks I will have a baby. A LIVE baby in my house...thats mine. After the few scares that we have had this past week, along with the newly set in panic attacks, its just very very hard to imagine bringing home a real live baby to my home. It still seems like a fantasy to me and I'm sure it will continue to feel that way until I have her in my arms.

I remember the first baby I held after baby Johnny died. It was only a month after he died, and it was difficult to say the least. I remember holding this little boy and looking down at him and feeling anger. How can someone feel anger for a baby I thought? But I did. I was angry that I did everything right yet my baby had died, and here, here was this little boy that belonged to one of Big Johnny's friends that didn't play by the rules when she was pregnant, but still she got to have her baby. I began to feel enraged and wanted to run screaming from the house, but at that time I didn't know why I was so angry. But looking back now I can see why. Her baby was born just days after my Johnny and it just wasn't fair.

I hope to God I don't ever make anyone feel that way.

That Dreaded Time Has Arrived

2010-12-20T09:53:00.000-08:00

The dreaded week is here. The week that I didn't want to deal with. The week I wanted to pretend didn't exist. But its here, and its real. Week 31. Baby should weigh almost 4 lbs. Odd, Baby Johnny only weighed 2lbs 4oz and at the last ultrasound baby girl weighed 3lbs 6oz already. Its quite obvious my placenta started to fail earlier than week 31, but no one caught it. What if something happens again and no one catches it? Albeit I am seeing a perinatolgist and a regular OB who both seem to be on top of their game, but it doesn't mean they don't make mistakes. What if they miss something? What if they already have? I can NOT handle another of my babies dying, I can't. The anxiety of this week is weighing down so much on my heart I can barely breathe. Oh God please let this week be over.

Losing It

2010-12-09T21:12:00.001-08:00

Baby girl failed the NST so they did a biophysical profile on her and she passed that. We have another ultrasound scheduled for Monday as well as another NST and then another NST for Thursday; but I am still so nervous. I feel like a wreck. I keep trying to hold myself together but I feel like I'm going to lose it at any second. I think I'm becoming really really depressed and that scares me. I try telling SO how I feel but I don't think he really gets it, nor do I want to push all these horrible feelings onto him, he has things he worries about too, I don't want him to have to stress out about me too. I just really hate these feelings.

A Fork In the Road

2010-12-07T21:45:00.000-08:00

Hello week 29! As of Sunday 12/5 we have officially started our 29th week. I'm so glad I've made it this far, but so worried that something can happen at any time now.

I looked at myself in the mirror today, getting ready to take my 29 week picture and I became disgusted with my body. I'm huge, ugly, and just gross. I hate the way I look. I don't have the "pregnancy glow" everyone keeps talking about, I just look....disgusting. I know I shouldn't worry about how I look, that its not important, but still I can't seem to shake this feeling. So I'm sorry folks, no belly shot this week.....and perhaps not again during this pregnancy.

I found Dr. Z last week (thanks to Facebook) and made an appt for today. After an hour long drive to her new office I finally got to have a sit down with her. First she checked baby girls heartbeat, which was in the 150's like usual. Then measured the fundal height which measured at 32 weeks! Holy smokes! Just last week at the her ultrasound she was measuring right on target, talk about a big jump! I'm curious to see how much she weighs at our next ultrasound on Monday! Then we got to talk about the "big" stuff. First, future testing. We are going to start doing NST's twice a week, measuring baby girls fluid once a week (via ultrasound), and checking baby girls growth once a month (via ultrasound). Next we discussed my c-section date. The date was set for February 14th so far, but as it gets closer Dr. Z feels it would be better to deliver sooner rather than later. I have an amnio scheduled for around 35 weeks to confirm or deny if baby girl has down syndrome. This test can also be used to check lung maturity. We have decided to wait until 37 weeks to do the amnio that way they can check for both at the same time. So that leaves me with the decision of whether or not I would want to deliver baby girl at 37 weeks or wait until 39 weeks (they will not let me go past 39 weeks because of my past fetal demise and because this is c-section #4) its just too risky. We could go ahead at have her around 39 weeks and continue doing testing for those two weeks, or just go ahead and have her around 37 weeks after checking for lung maturity. Big Johnny pretty much leaves all these decisions up to me (thanks guy) so its all on my shoulders. 37 weeks would put us at January 31st but the c-section would be a couple days after the amnio so we are looking at February 2nd. With Dr. Z's words still floating in my head "A demise can happen at anytime" I'm freaking out. She didn't tell me this to "freak me out" more to bring the reality into the situation that really at anytime I lose my baby, not that I didn't know that before, but still. So now I sit at a crossroads, what should I do? I have an appt with the peri on Thursday and I'm sure she will also have an opinion on the subject to add, but essentially, the decision is mine, and mine alone.

What will I do?

The Panic Sets In

2010-12-01T12:54:00.000-08:00

I met with the evil doctor yesterday in Dr. Z's old practice. I waited for 40 minutes just to see her for about 5 mins. I have never ever had to wait that long. Ever. Good news is, I passed my glucose test with flying colors with a score of 111. Dr. Evil measured my fundal height and we listened to baby girl's heartbeat, everything was normal and right on track. She told me she would confirm my c-section date at the next appt in two weeks. I pray to God that I do not have to go back there in two weeks and can find Dr. Z before then. I have been trying with no luck yet. I also informed Dr. Z of the incompetent MA that could not find the time to make the NST appt for me two weeks ago. She replied "Thats odd, that MA is usually right on the ball" um...apparently not this time.

Afterwards I went to see the peri for a NST and ultrasound. Baby girl had flipped and was facing my spine hence why I couldn't feel so many movements, but she was moving and shaking in there. Fluid level looked great and so did she. We finally got to see her breathe for the first time ever! Yay! I was such a cute thing to watch! I fell in love all over again! Then we went into the next room for our NST. The nurse performing the NST was the rudest person I have ever met in my life and asked "Why are you doing these tests so early in your pregnancy?" Um...A. That is really none of your business nor should you be asking questions like that. B. I'm sure all that info is in my chart and if you are really that interested I'm sure you can go over that info with the dr BEFORE coming in to perform these tests. Wow. Good news is the NST turned out great and she stayed on the monitor the majority of the time!

Even with all these test being positive and good news I'm still stressing out. I'm just waiting for something to happen. I still can't picture her being here with me; being alive. It just doesn't seem possible. Like its a far off dream that will never come true. I can feel myself beginning to have panic attacks throughout the day, especially when I am alone, but at times even when I am surrounded by family. I dont know how much more anxiety I can handle.

My placenta started to fail (what they think anyway) around week 28/29. As of today we are at week 28.3, on top of Christmas stress, financial stress, and just life. I just don't think I can take anymore.

Lions and Tigers and DRAMA....oh my....

2010-11-16T19:30:00.000-08:00

So I had my glucose test today with Dr. Z. I haven't gotten the results back and she said normally they don't call in those results, you just find out at your next appt. Which is totally fine since am now seeing Dr. Z every two weeks. Dr. Z also confirmed my every two week ultrasounds with the peri and also has set me up with NST tests every week with the peri. The ultrasounds and NST tests are because of our "fetal demise". (Have I mentioned how much I HATE that phrase btw?) As its getting very close to that same time frame that my placenta started to fail my little Johnny. Needless to say we will be making sure little Sunshine is A-OK and this is making me feel a little more relaxed (totally not completely relaxed but at least a little).

After Dr Z goes over all that with us, she then proceeds to tell us that she is leaving the practice! Say....what?! To make a long story short the other dr's in the practice are very old and very set in their ways. I have only had contact with them a couple of times and it wasn't good. I ABSOLUTELY do NOT want these women delivering my baby. Dr. Z then goes on to tell me that she already has a new office but its going to take a little time to get set up. She is also unsure because of legal reasons if she can even contact me after the move, so I might have to go through my insurance to find her. YIKES!! :insert freaking out: Also that at my next appt (in two weeks) that I will have to see one of the other dr's (the wicked witch from the west) :insert double freaking out: but that after that she should be set up and I should be able to find her. Only catch - her new office is about 40 minutes away from my house but she is going to try to get in another office closer to my area at least one day a week, but that is not confirmed yet. One way or another we will work it out because Dr. Z WILL deliver Sunshine (thankfully she is still delivering at my hospital):insert triple freaking out:

So I kept it together while making my appt with the evil dr, all the way home, and even for a minute while I was in the house.....and then.....I lost it. I started freaking out!! What happens if I go into labor between now and then? What if something goes wrong? What if I have to deal with the evil dr posse? They don't know my history! They don't know about my son! They don't know ANYTHING!!!! Big Johnny tried to reassure me that its all in my chart - but a chart does not build a bond, a chart does not know me by name, a chart does NOT understand what we have been though. A chart just states facts, thats all a chart can do.

So now, I'm a mess. I want my mommy!

And The Plate Ran Away With The Spoon

2010-11-15T17:57:00.000-08:00

Hello 26 weeks!! Sunshine can see!! Whoohoo!! Her eyes are no longer fused shut and she can see, although blurry, her surroundings. I wonder what she is looking at right now? I mean seriously how entertaining can my insides be?? She is continuing to put on baby fat and getting her immune system ready for the outside. Only 91 more days until our scheduled c-section on Valentines day!! It seems to be going by so fast now! I'm sure it will only go by faster as the holidays pass by!

We seen the perinatologist today for our echocardiogram. I was so nervous and worried that something was going to be wrong with my little Sunshines heart, but again she amazed and surprised me. Her heart looks fantastic as well as her spine and brain. Everything is measuring just perfect. She is also weighing in at 1lb 15oz which is exactly average for her gestation. She was moving around and kicking the tech the whole time. I'm so in love with my little girl already! Here on out we will be getting ultrasounds every two weeks, however that may change to every four depending on what Dr. Z says tomorrow. For now I have another ultrasound scheduled for November 30th and December 13th.

Afterwards I thought Sunshine deserved a treat so we stopped at little local bakery that we always pass by after my appointments but never stop at. Their cookies were magical! I tried the chocomint and I am now in love. I can for sure say that will be a regular visit from now on!

All in all today was a good day. We don't get very many of those.

The Manipulator

2010-11-12T12:12:00.000-08:00

Ever felt like a burden? I don't like feeling like that to anyone and I think if someone truly cares for you; whether it be a friend or family member, they should never make you feel this way. Unfortunately sometimes you run across these people that tend to toy with your emotions. I call this The Manipulator. They bring you all the way up just to slam you back down. They are the ones that are the most manipulative. When they bring you down they try to make it seem like its all your fault that they are acting a certain way. They refuse to change and act like its insane that you would even want them to change because they are perfect just the way they are. I used to fall into the trap of The Manipulator but have since realized that its not my fault people act a certain way. I can only control how I act not others, my thoughts or feelings will not change someone elses actions and I refuse to let someones actions control my thoughts or feelings. I now know that no matter how hard it is, no matter how much it hurts, I must remove people like this from my life. The only way to truly be happy, blissfully happy, is to have people in my life that truly and unconditionally love me. Not the ones that love me when its convenient for them or loving me just to tear me back down.

My heart is sad. I hope Sunshine doesn't feel my sadness.

Who Likes a BARGAIN?

2010-11-10T18:10:00.000-08:00

I never write two posts in one day (well not never but usually I don't) but I just had to post about this!

Remember last year when I showed you all the awesome Christmas cards I made with the kids pictures? No? Yeah, its been almost a year, I'm sure you all don't remember but here let me refresh your memories!

I used this super cute picture of AJ as one of the pics and went to www.shutterfly.com to make super cute, super cheap Christmas cards! And who doesn't like a deal around the holidays (or anytime for that matter?) I know I sure do!

Take a look at these http://www.shutterfly.com/cards-stationery/cards-stationery/pictures-in-red-christmas-card-5x7-flat?sortType=1&storeNode=93496 I can put pics of each of the kids plus ultrasound pics and still have room for a family pic! I love being able to include tons of pics on my Christmas cards because it saves me from having to stick a bunch of little pics in the cards, especially for those that don't get to see my kiddos all that often! And at only a $1 a piece?! You can't beat that!

I really like this one as well http://www.shutterfly.com/cards-stationery/cards-stationery/how-holly-story-christmas-5x7-folded-card?sortType=1&storeNode=93495 even though you can't fit as many pics into this one, its still really "Christmas-y". The festiveness makes me smile!

Another great choice would be this card http://www.shutterfly.com/cards-stationery/cards-stationery/pretty-poinsettia-print-christmas-card?sortType=1&storeNode=93496 perfect for that one family group shot, not too cluttered and still festive! I just cant choose which one I want to use this year!

Even better than cheap, who likes FREE? Me, me me! Want to earn 50 FREE holiday cards from Shutterfly.com? If you are a blogger, just visit this link to find out how! http://blog.shutterfly.com/5358/holiday2010-blog-submission-form/

So which would YOU choose for your FREE 50 holiday cards?

Guilt Will Kill You

2010-11-10T12:31:00.000-08:00

Its a horrible club to belong to - this babyloss club. I hate it. Its a lose lose situation. Not only do I worry about everything, but I pull along this guilt behind me like a an anchor tied to my waist.

As I plan for our Thanksgiving meal I start to think about how big my little Johnny would be now. This would be his second Thanksgiving. Second. Thats a little hard to swallow. I think about all the foods he would be trying, everything we would be experimenting with. How he would be running around under my feet as I try to cook. It just isn't fair that he isn't here.

Then I look down at my moving tummy and think that I wouldn't be feeling these little movements had my son been born. He would have probably been my last.

I love my daughter with all my heart, just as much as I love my son. Why can't I have them both?

What Is Worry Without Fear?

2010-11-09T10:56:00.000-08:00

With every day that passes, every week that comes our way, it brings me more and more fear. We are approaching that week that I truly think my placenta started to cut off nutrients to our baby Johnny. Although he didn't pass until week 31.4 I think it started much earlier. According to websites Sunshine should be about 2lbs by now and baby Johnny weighed just 2lbs 4oz.

Everything makes me worry, every move, every flutter, every kick...will it be her last? Will I not notice soon enough to get her help? I had a dream the other night that Dr Z told me Sunshine was gone, she dead inside of me and there was nothing they could do. Although at every appt Sunshine looks great, wonderful heartbeat measuring a little big and never seems to be in distress. No, thats must me, stressing over every moment of this pregnancy so much that I feel I can't even enjoy it.

We had a huge scare starting Sunday morning when I started getting horrible pains in my back and side, when finally I couldn't take it anymore I headed to the ER. They couldn't figure out what was wrong but thought for sure I was in pre-term labor, so they gave me a drug to stop the contractions that they say I wasn't even having. I felt a little better and was sent home. Only to wake up in the middle of the night with the horrible pains again. I called Dr. Z early Monday AM who told me to come into the office. She thought it could have been constipation in my bowels or kidney stones. (I thought it was the stones) She gave me meds to relieve the constipation and sent me for an ultrasound of my kidneys and urinary tract. It turned out to be a huge gas bubble stuck in my bowel, which the constipation meds (combined with prune juice) relived. Confidence in Dr. Z shot up, but my confidence in this supposedly "high risk" hospital are next to nothing. This isn't good considering this is where I am delivering. *sigh*

Oh I hit 25 weeks on Sunday, but with all the craziness did not get a chance to take a belly pic yet this week. Still I'm excited about reaching 25 weeks! Almost to the third trimester now. Hopefully soon, I will be holding my little Sunshine in my arms.

Let The Worrying Begin...

2010-11-02T19:22:00.000-07:00

Welcome to viability, Sunshine!! Whoo-hoo!! Sunshine has entered the magical land of viability this week by hitting the 24 week mark! *insert happy dance here* She is still about a foot long but should weigh over a pound and close to the 2lb mark by the end of the week! Her lungs are also secreting surfactant which helps her lungs inflate and deflate as she breaths. She is still breathing in amniotic fluid, but thats just practice for the outside world. I'm so excited to meet this little wonderful girl! Only 15 more weeks to go!! It seems so close yet so far away all at the same time!

We have our hospital orientation set for tomorrow, we missed the orientation last month so I hope we don't end up missing this one! Hopefully there will be no contractions tomorrow! We still have the echo scheduled for the 15th and the glucose testing scheduled for the 16th. So much coming up! I'm getting way worried, its getting too close to that same time frame with my precious baby Johnny.

Our baby shower was this past Saturday, and although we missed a few people that RSVP'ed but didn't show, we still had a great time :)

some of the food spread

the cake reads "we 'heart' you Sunshine"

Again I leave you with a wonderful picture of my tummy, carrying the most precious cargo ever, Sunshine Anaiese Fayth.

Its A Mystery

2010-10-27T14:43:00.000-07:00

I wonder sometimes, if my life is so pre-occupied with bringing home this baby if I miss the little things in life...or worse yet the big things.

Am I forgoing my other children's needs to make sure I fulfill the needs of Sunshine? Sure I attend to their basic needs, but am I missing something so big in their little lives that they feel left out? Unappreciated? Are these thoughts coming from that deep dark place of scary pregnancy hormones...or do they exist?

Something is up....I just wish I knew what it was.

Thoughts Of Today

2010-10-27T00:07:00.000-07:00

"A person is a person, no matter how small." - Dr. Seuss

That quote gets me every time. Doesn't matter where I am, or what I'm doing. Every single time I hear that quote I think of my Johnny and it brings tears to my eyes. Its amazing that a simple sentence from a child's book can say so much with so few words. We could all learn from Dr. Seuss.

The simplicity of childhood has been haunting me lately. Playing with barbie dolls, waiting for the ice cream man, and a simple game of freeze tag are the wonderful memories I have from my childhood. While they aren't all good memories, I try to focus on the positive.

I wonder what positive memories I will help my children create? Sometimes I wonder if I do enough; if I am enough for them? Maybe all parents wonder this, or maybe its just me. I wonder if I expect too much from them and will leave them with sour memories of their childhood instead of happy ones? I can only hope that I can leave at least some happy memories for them to cherish as adults because before I know it, they will be adults, then the time for memories will be gone, just like my baby Johnny now is.

When Did I Get So Fat?

2010-10-24T23:38:00.000-07:00

Holy bump batman! Where did THAT come from?

Funny how I have no idea how big I'm getting until I actually try to put on a pair of pre-pregnancy pants. While I can still get them on I have to suck in breath to zip them....and I can't breath while wearing them....but the point is I can still get them on.

Sunday brought on another week for Sunshine and I. She is at 23 weeks gestation! Yay! This week Sunshine's hearing has become much more sound-sensitive and I can tell by all the kicks and jabs I've been getting when load noises are near. Sunshine loves for Annissa to read books to her, which Annissa has taken a liking to. Its really cute and makes my heart smile. AJ enjoys rubbing my belly and "talking to baby" as he calls it and also bragging to people about his new little sister to be! There is an amazing feeling to watch your children be so excited about their new sibling. I just can't describe it.

The contractions have came back. I have felt them on and off today. Sporadic still. However I will not go back to the ER. After all, I'm only 23 weeks...so my baby isn't worth saving. *insert sarcasm here*

Got some terrible news this morning. In the summer of 1999, right after graduating high school, my mother and I ventured to the pound to pick out a dachshund that we had heard would be arriving there that day. To our astonishment we found there were two brought in that day. Sisters. We couldn't bear to break them up, so we took both. One was her dog, one was mine. Over the years of me growing up, moving out, having children etc. my mom has kept my dog and hers. They became like her children. Her dog, Trixie, passed on a couple of years ago. My mom was heartbroken and my dog, Rascal, was devastated without her sister. Last night, at 97 years old (according to the vet) Rascal passed away due to diabetes. Now both of my moms kids (her dog babies) are gone. She is a wreck. Please keep her in your prayers. I know it may sound silly to be so upset over the loss of a pet, but after so many years you become attached to these animals and they become one of the family. Rascal was just that. I miss her and I know my mom misses her even more.

I will leave you on a happy note. AJ truly does love his new sister!

Power of Prayer

2010-10-21T21:21:00.000-07:00

So the contractions went away today. I actually felt so good I was able to get some stuff done around the house. I know I couldn't have made these contractions go away on my own. I strongly believe it was the power of prayer. So I want to thank each of you that took the time to pray for me and Sunshine. I appreciate it more than words could ever express. Thank you all so much.

I haven't actually cleaned in a long while, probably a month. Today I cleaned up and finally got to the bags of baby clothes a friend of mine gave me for Sunshine. Was able to go through them and get them washed up. I even cooked dinner and dessert without feeling too bad. I'm pretty worn out now, but still not in any pain. I truly hope it stays this way.

Life is good.

I'm Sorry Your Baby Isn't Good Enough

2010-10-20T23:04:00.000-07:00

So I spent most of the night in the hospital last night due to contractions. When I first arrived, they couldn't find them and I seen the nurse raise her eyebrows at me as if I were lying or faking the intense pain that I was feeling. Trust me Nurse Nancy, I wouldn't be here if I didn't absolutely feel I need to be; hospitals are not my nightly hang out and to be honest they give me the creeps. When she finally did "find them" they were "abnormal". Super, what about me isn't abnormal? Then she goes and calls whatever OB was on call at Dr. Z's office. I knew it wasn't Dr. Z since she had been on call all weekend. She came back hours later and said "Well, we are going to give you an IV to hydrate you." In which I replied with, "No, you are not. I have had plenty to drink today and I don't need you to stick a needle in my vein to do so. What is the next step?" She stared at me blankly as if I had just said I was pregnant with a green alien baby with four heads. Finally she says, "Nothing. You're baby isn't viable so there is nothing else we can do for you." *Silence* So they would allow my baby to die because I am 13 days away from what they consider "viability"? I have seen many babies survive before 24 weeks, why should mine be any different? She ended up giving me 4 cups of water and making me sit in the ER for a few more hours. Eventually the front contractions went away, but my back pain was still there. I told her this, and she sent me home. Told me to use a heating pad. Wonderful. I wonder if this heating pad will deliver my baby should she come? I suffered all night with horrible back pain and its been off and on today as well. The last thing the nurse said to me "If the back pain doesn't go away or you start to have front contractions again, please come back." Riiiight. For what? So you can tell me you can't do anything for me? No thanks. If anything does happen again I guess I have to wait until Halloween for the hospital to help me. Isn't that just perfect?

Game Ideas - HELP!!

2010-10-19T14:28:00.000-07:00

I'm trying to come up with some ideas for baby shower games and I'm at a total loss. I don't want to do the same old tired games that everyone plays at their baby showers. I want something new and different. Hey - if I wasn't thinking new and different I wouldn't be Lynda! I have stolen one idea from one of my favorite TV shows The Gilmore Girls - I will be buying plain white onesies and paints/markers etc and letting couples decorate the onesies for my Sunshine! But that is the ONLY game I have planned so far!

I know I have some creative friends out there - someone PLEASE HELP!!

For The Love of Dates!

2010-10-18T21:40:00.000-07:00

October 15th was Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. Although I wanted to do so much for my son, I didn't. I lite his candle and said a prayer but for some reason, thats all I did. I did not attend any celebrations or walks. I simply lite his candle. But I know deep in my heart that my son was not hurt by my actions. He knows we love him. He knows how much we care. He knows.

The following Sunday my little Sunshine hit 22 weeks. This pregnancy seems to be going by pretty quickly, I can't believe I'm over halfway there! Sunshine should have started to produce her own hormones this week. Maybe this is what has been contributing to my wild emotions lately! If I could only blame it on that and not my irrationalities! :0) Sunshine's pancreas should also be growing and developing this week.

From my view looking down.

I had an appt with Dr. Z today. She said I am measuring right on target and Sunshine's heartbeat was in the 140's. Just perfect. We went over my birth plan which she sees no issues with, which is great. Also talked about tying my tubes which I very adamantly declined and she was also OK with that. This made me happy since I was afraid she was going to push me into a decision I wasn't ready to make, but she did not. We also talked about the flu shot in which I again adamantly declined and again she was very respectful of my decision and just asked me to watch out for germs. C'mon Dr. Z, you know that I'm a germaphob, no germs getting into this body! I got three more prescriptions to add to my already growing medicine cabinet: Zantac (for my horrible gastritis), Iron supplements because I was slightly anemic at the last blood draw, and Doc-Q-Lace because the metamucil just isn't cutting it anymore *blush*. My daily intake of pills has gone up to 10 different medications now. YIKES! We also scheduled my c-section date barring any unforeseen issues we have a c-section date of 2/14/11! I will have a Valentines Day baby! *love*

I'm looking forward to my baby shower which is creeping up here in only 12 days!! Unbelievable!

Words From the Past

2010-10-13T14:16:00.000-07:00

Wanted to share a poem that I wrote when I was 14, please be gentle.

Windows of the Soul

Eyes are the windows of the soul

When you look deep into someones eyes you can tell what their soul has been through

I see a little girl; and I just have to look into her eyes

Deep into her soul

I look and I see horrible things

He beat and hurt her

But she was too scared to tell anyone

So I wonder to myself;

Should I take her home with me or leave her here just to be?

Then I remember what I was taught

And that was to help people in need

So I try to pick up the little girl

Only to find that I was looking into my eyes

Deep into my soul

And found a deep dark secret from the past

No one came to pick me up

For I left my soul inside

And didn't allow anyone to look into my eyes.

And The Cow Jumped Over The Moon...

2010-10-11T22:44:00.000-07:00

We had our "20 week anatomy scan" today at 21 weeks 1 day. Again, this was all for information purposes because we already knew our little Sunshine is a girl, however the tech still confirmed to us that Sunshine is in fact still a little girl.

The tech looked over all of little Sunshine's bones first, starting with her leg bones and went up. She then weighed Sunshine. Sunshine is measuring at 21weeks and 4days and weighed in at 14 ounces. She is right on target with her weight and bone length. The tech then took measurements of her organs including her heart, kidneys, bladder, and stomach; all which measured normal. I love that word, normal. She then looked at her brain which was divided into two hemispheres (which is what we want to see now) and her cerebellum was connected perfectly. Then down her spine which always looked fantastic. Spine bifida was ruled for our little Sunshine! Yay! Then we got to see her heart more clear. During this time the tech was able to get some really cute shots of little Sunshine.

Sucking her thumb.

Exasperated at the tech for pushing down on her!

A close-up of her big o' lips that she could have ONLY gotten from her daddy! :)

Then the tech started looking at Sunshine's heart. This is the part I had been dreading for the past week, the part of the ultrasound I had been so scared of, the part that I didn't really want to know the results of. As the tech started looking I watched my little girl's heartbeat flutter again and again, somehow this was extremely reassuring. The tech then showed me the four chambers, the ventricles, and arteries. Everything looked wonderful, everything was connected correctly, and it was normal. There is that wonderful word again. She had NO OTHER MARKERS FOR DOWN SYNDROME!!! I almost cried right then and there. We still have the echo scheduled for next month which will look even more in depth at her heart but as of right now, everything looks grand! I am over the moon happy! After all this the tech ended with looking at the umbilical cord and blood flow to and from it. Again, everything looked wonderful! Mind you things could change at the drop of a hat, but right now, everything is normal and I am going to celebrate that to the fullest.

Another Week Down and Nervous Thoughts

2010-10-10T22:27:00.000-07:00

It feels like time is creeping by. Today begins week 21. Three more weeks until viability; yet week 21 was greeted by the most horrendous contractions known to man. I swear it felt like I was going to meet my little Sunshine much too soon. Thankfully, the contractions subsided after sporadically coming for just a little over 3 hours. I woke up feeling my little Sunshine much much lower than I have ever felt her and the contractions began not much longer after that. Because of this we ended up missing church. I hate missing church. Our household just isn't the same on the Sundays that we don't attend at least sacrament. The feeling of hostility and aggression fill our rooms and I can feel it in my heart. There is a looming feeling in our household on those days that can only be explained as Satan himself attempting to drag us off into his fiery hell. I hate that feeling. But I don't like sitting in church writhing in pain either. I always feel like everyone is looking at me, wondering why it is that other women seem to have no problem having children, but here I sit looking like I'm going to die. I always feel like someone is judging me and I hate it. I'm sure they aren't. I'm sure its only something that I have conjured up in my head but nonetheless, I still feel that way. So we spent this Sunday at home. The majority of the day I spent resting, trying to breath through the oh so powerful contractions. When they finally subsided I was able to get some laundry done and even make a delicious dinner.

So what's my little Sunshine up to this week? Well by now she should weigh just under a pound and be somewhere around 11 inches long. She should be drinking amniotic fluid, which means she has started to swallow. She should be going through another growth spurt this week and start packing on some "baby fat". Sunshine should also be experiening REM this week (something I have been missing for a few weeks now).

As for me? I'm doing pretty good about living without Zofran. I take the occasional pill but its nothing like it was before. I take maybe one a day, if that. Most days I'm just fine without it. I'm still getting heartburn so I really hope this baby has a head full of hair! I'm swelling up pretty bad at night but it seems to just be normal pregnancy swelling and not pre-eclampsia like at all. I haven't had a good nights sleep in weeks but I guess thats just my body's way of preparing me for my little Sunshine.

Tomorrow is our "anatomy scan". We already know Sunshine is a girl, so this ultrasound is more for information that fun. We will be looking at her heart and brain. This should tell us if she has another other markers for any abnormalities. Please pray that our little Sunshine is perfectly healthy! I strongly believe in the power of prayer. I'm so very very scared.

I can't wait to meet my baby girl. I love you Sunshine Anaiese Fayth. I love you so much already.

Auction Time!

2010-10-09T10:21:00.001-07:00

So the church auction was so much fun last night! The whole family had a blast, the kids even got into it which was way cool! We got points to make "bids" from activities and callings that we had or have done in the church. I still can't believe Big Johnny ended up with almost 50 points more than I did!! I think he cheated....I kid......I kid. My enchiladas were a hit and within the first 5 mins the first pan was GONE! I had to scurry away from my yummy food to put the other pan out.....which was empty by the end of the night. Everyone complimented me on them, so it made me feel good about all the hard work I had put into them.

So what did we "win" with our massive amount of points? Why the only thing we bid on of course! A gorgeous hand made monkey themed baby blanket! Its so cute and I plan to use it for my little Sunshine in the hospital. :)

All in all it was a great night!

Thank You My Friends!!

2010-10-08T15:29:00.000-07:00

I want to thank my angel mommy friends for reaching out to my blog yesterday, it made my heart smile! Thank you all! Unfortunately, all the friends that have removed me from facebook didn't reach out still and that still saddens me. I'm sure I sound like a bratty kid throwing a tantrum and for that I apologize. I don't mean to sound that way, my feelings are just a tad hurt. I'm sure a lot of it has to due with my crazy out of control hormones, but I do think some of it (at least) is a valid emotion.

I took a dive on the hardwood kitchen floor yesterday, thankfully Sunshine seems to be just fine, and I took the majority of the fall to my hands/arms which made my shoulder blades hurt like crazy! However, I'd rather have hurt hands and back than for my little Sunshine to get hurt!

I had to make two huge pans of enchiladas today for a service auction/dinner at church tonight. I have never been to anything like this before some I'm interested in how its going to play out. I hope the kids enjoy it as well! I will definitely update on how it goes!

I hope today finds everyone well and happy. I woke up this morning in a not so good mood after having little to no sleep last night, due to the pain in my back, but mostly due to having to pee every hour on the hour. Even with all that I wouldn't trade my little girl for anything in the whole wide world.

Where Has All The Support Gone?

2010-10-07T12:55:00.000-07:00

I often wondered while TTC if my baby loss mama group would be as supportive when I actually became pregnant. Well, now I think I have my answer. October 9-15th is baby loss awareness week so I have been looking to my baby loss mamas for support only to find that many of them have removed me as a friend on facebook. I even contacted a couple as to find out why, but with no response. I can understand my pregnancy updates being hard on them, as when I was TTC watching pregnancy updates from my other baby loss mamas had that little green monster wanting to rear its ugly head, but I never turned my back on them, removed them, or ignored them. I did my best to try to support them during their pregnancies and now....well I just don't feel like I have the same support from them. Maybe I'm asking for too much, or expecting too much. But after being on this long journey for almost 19 months I would have thought there would have been some kind of bond formed. I guess I was wrong. And that my dear blogging friends, just makes me very very sad.

Marshmallow Man's Wife

2010-10-06T13:30:00.000-07:00

I feel disgusting, fat, and ugly. I'm just over 20 weeks and it takes me three tries to get off the couch; I can't even begin to imagine what I will do if I hit the 39 week mark. My hair is graying (it has been since I was about 21 years old) but I have always been able to dye it, and I can't. I look old. I don't have the pregnancy glow that everyone talks about. My body aches everyday like I'm 90 years old. I hate the way I look and feel. Don't get me wrong, I love my daughter and am very grateful that I am pregnant, I just wish I didn't look and feel this way.

I told all this to Big Johnny last night and he tried his hardest to make me feel better. He is always staring at me and it makes me feel worse about myself; like when someone stares at you because you have food in your teeth, but never says "hey you got some nasty green crap in your teeth!". So I asked him, "Why do you stare at me?" He replies, "Because you are beautiful". Whether it was crap or the truth it still made me feel better. I went on to tell him the way I felt about myself right now and he said I was crazy, that I'm beautiful and have the pregnancy glow. Although I don't feel that way, I know he was trying to make me feel better and it was the effort, not really the words that made me feel a little better.

I know that Johnny and I have had our ups and downs and there are many times that I have vented about our relationship in this blog, but I have to admit, he has been a really really good guy since I found out I was pregnant and I just felt like I needed to put that out there. To say how appreciative I am for that. Thank you Johnny.

June 2008

Scary Thoughts

2010-10-04T13:06:00.000-07:00

My baby will NOT die! My baby will NOT die! My baby will NOT die! .....Its like a constant chant I have to say over and over again in my head. If only I could make myself believe it. If only I had a crystal ball and could see into the future....and see my Sunshine happy and playing.....and best of all; BREATHING. Maybe then I would be able to breathe again. Even if she is born breathing, how long will she breathe for? A minute? A day? An hour?

Just having one of those moments. I miss my son. I love my daughter. I want them both.

Halfway There!

2010-10-03T23:09:00.000-07:00

I just can't believe we have made it this far! Half way through our little pregnancy with our Sunshine! I'm so excited, scared, and anxious all at the same time! I truly never thought we would get this far. I still have fears, don't get me wrong. I will always have fears, but I am here and for me, 20 weeks is a milestone. My next short term goal is to make to to 24 weeks - viability.

My shower invites are completed, decorations bought, food decided on, location reserved. Now we just have to wait. It seems that everything in pregnancy is hurry up and wait. My baby shower comes just one day before the viability mark. It will be an exciting weekend indeed.

Our little Sunshine should be around 10.5 inches by now and her limbs and head should be about the same proportion as to when she is born. Exciting! I'm wondering her exact measurements. We have another ultrasound scheduled for October 11th (the anatomy scan) where we will look into further details of her heart and organs. I'm a bit scared, I must admit, of this ultrasound because of the markers Sunshine had at the NT scan. A lot of babies diagnosed with downs syndrome also have heart issues. I am praying and I ask you all to pray as well, that little Sunshine's heart and organs are normal and functioning properly. Thank you all for your continued support.

......And She Has A NAME!!!

2010-10-02T16:37:00.001-07:00

After months of toil and trouble (yes I totally just used a Macbeth reference) I think I have finally decided on a name for little baby Zort. Big Johnny hates it, but really I don't care. Next time he drops a deuce he can name that, but guess what, everything that comes out of my body I have full reign over with naming! That includes turtles that are found outside roaming around and stray cats that come to my front door looking for milk. Now I'm just rambling, so without further ado please welcome Sunshine Anaiese Fayth!!!

A So far the dizziness has seemed to subsided, however day 4 and 5 with no Zofran were a huge FAIL! I ended up having to take one pill each day! I was and still am super bummed that I couldn't push my body with mind over matter. Its disappointing but tomorrow is another day! I WILL go without Zofran....or at least try!

Can I Get A Break Now?

2010-09-28T14:58:00.000-07:00

I try to do something good and all heck breaks loose!

I have been taking Zofran for the majority of my pregnancy but it seems as of late my morning sickness doesn't seem AS bad as it was, so I wanted to try to wean myself. Today was day one of weaning and it went pretty good up until about 30 minutes ago. I stood up and got super dizzy, words became blurry, and I felt like I was going to pass out! Scary!! So I called Dr. Z and she said it may be a side effect from trying to wean from the Zofran. Now I get to take dramamind (another pill) to help with the dizziness. Super! Or this maybe the start of pre-eclampsia! I have to take this pill for two days and see if it helps. If not back to Dr. Z I go! I swear those ladies are beginning to be like sisters to me I see them so often!

Is it February yet?

Stress Is Poison

2010-09-27T11:40:00.000-07:00

This is the 19th week. 19 weeks, that's the halfway point for me since I will be having a repeat c-section. I try to enjoy everyday I have with her as if it were to be my last. I feel my faith starting to dwindle that I will bring this little girl home. I don't think I will. That thought has been there playing in the back of my mind this entire pregnancy but has decided to rear her ugly head these past few days. Why? Maybe its the sporadic lower back pain I have been having, the stress I feel I am under, or maybe its just the memories of having to cremate my son. Whatever it is, it isn't good. I want to be like Jenny of Forrest Gump and "turn into a bird and fly far far away". I know that sounds crazy right?Nothing I have been saying lately sounds normal, at least not to me. Normal Lynda died with baby Johnny.

I talk to her, my baby girl, my Zort, everyday and I feel like I make her promises that I can't deliver. I feel I did the same thing with baby Johnny. I feel him condemning me for those same promises now. How can you promise a child that everything is going to be alright, when you don't even know that yourself?

I think a huge part of these aches and pains or "back labor" (which I think it is) has much do with stress. I think much of the issues I had with my pregnancy with baby Johnny up to and including his death had to do with stress. I know that the stresses of life will not change unless you change them so why don't I?? Why do I sit and deal with the stress???

Sigh.

Only I can answer that.

Firsts and Honors and Weeks - Oh My!!

2010-09-20T18:36:00.000-07:00

My first day of work went much better than to be expected. I was so nervous going in, but I figured either I would be myself and get through the day and if people liked me or hated me at least I was being me. I found another preggo mama within the first 2 hours of working there and we became attached at the hip all day. Other than both being preggers it appears we have so much more in common. The day went by smoothly with no issues to be had. It was a slightly boring introduction to the company and filling out tons of paperwork for HR. Once the day ended I was STARVING! I am used to eating when I am hungry, not on someone elses time schedule so that will take a little getting used to. I was also exhausted; my feet and back were killing me from the heels and super uncomfy chairs we had to sit in. But, once I got home and was able to relax (and eat), I felt much better.

Annissa and AJ also brought home some exciting news! The school they attend offers 'honor' type classes for those children of exemplary intellect. Only one child per class is selected to be tested for this 'honor' testing. Both Annissa and AJ were selected from each of their classes to be tested!! I am so proud of them!! They are such bright and wonderful little people and I'm so blessed to have them both in my life :) AJ's teacher said, "AJ is just so bright, sometimes I am simply shocked at the vocabulary that comes out of his mouth!" YES!! That means all the pushing I do to read, read, read is WORKING! YAY! I'm more than a proud mama right now, I am bursting at the seems!

Baby Zort has entered week 18 of gestation this week! Only 22 more weeks to go (well probably more like 21 for a repeat c-section), but I am just praying that we last another 6 and get to 24 weeks. A little about week 18 - We have two more ounces which puts us at a total of 8 ounces this week! Baby now has two layers of skin, the epidermis and the dermis. Baby is also covered in a cheesy, waxy, greasy substance also knows as vernix, which in essence is supposed to help baby Zort slide down the birth canal and out the vagina, but I know that won't be happening, but she nor nature knows that at this point so baby Zort is still covered in this icky substance. This also helps to keep her skin from getting chapped while floating in all that amniotic fluid in there! A little fun fact - my little girl now has a uterus and a vagina canal! This week I have started feeling a little better, just dealing with being tired now. Only having to take Zofran once, maybe twice a day. I have also been craving off the wall stuff this week like jalepeno poppers and coffee, as well as steak and turkey! Weird!!

I will leave you with a picture of my week 18 belly. Say hello to little Zort!

As Life Changes, We Must Change With It

2010-09-18T01:43:00.000-07:00

I am going back to work. While pregnant you might ask? Yes, while pregnant. The holiday season is among us and I want some extra cash for those super expensive gifts Annissa and AJ are already asking for. Annissa no longer believes in Santa thanks to her paternal grandmother who likes to put the presents under the tree with the kids watching, so she just asks me for the things she wants for Christmas. AJ on the other hand, still believes and I think thats magical. I want him to stay 6 forever and ever. Yes, 6 would be perfect. But alas, children grow up, so I am cherishing this time I have with them now. So, back to the job. Its pretty easy customer service work, which means I get to sit on my butt for 8 hours and listen to stupid people complain about their bills. Super! That wasn't sarcastic was it? It's so hard to convey sarcasm over the internet, so let me just say, that was sarcastic :) I'm also hoping being at work will take my mind off my constant worries, if only for a short bit. I am so nervous about going back, self conscious like its the first day of high school all over again. That's ridiculous right? Right?? I'm sure it will be just fine, I just hope I'm not the last one to be picked for kickball and can make at least one friend. Believe it or not, I'm not the most talkative person in real life. I'm what some might call a "hermit". I love my house, why do I need to leave?

I plan on taking the kids down to the pool today, taking a dip in the cool water while the temps hit the 100's....supposed to be 108 tomorrow. In September!? Where are our changing leave colors, our cooler weather. our fall?? Oh yeah, this is Arizona. we don't have fall here. We have summer and not so hot. Thaaaaaaats about it. Sigh. How I long for fall days and leaves falling off the trees turning colors. One day I will leave this desert and move to a more normal environment. I will, I have promised my little Zort that :)

I've been trying to revamp my blog a little, spice it up. Fungshu it a little. Hope you can take a look around. Happy Saturday my blogging friends.

Too Much Weight On My Shoulders

2010-09-16T17:47:00.002-07:00

Its funny, I call my OB's office and everyone knows me by name. I never have to give my last name or my date of birth, they just know me. I have only been seeing this OB since I was about 7 weeks pregnant, so really only 10 weeks. Normally you only see your OB once a month in the beginning of pregnancy, so that would be twice in my case. In 10 short weeks I have seen my OB 15 times. FIFTEEN. No wonder they all know me by name. As nice as it is to talk to the medical assistant like she is my BFF and to have the receptionist know what time of day I prefer for my appts, it sucks that I have see my OB so often. As much as I love seeing my baby Zort on the ultrasound screen I wish I didn't have to get so many. I wish I was one of those patients that the dr hardly remembers because she only has to see you once a month, or right on schedule. I love Dr. Z, she is amazing and so knowledgeable in her field. I love all the nurses and other dr's in her practice, I just wish I didn't have to know them all. I wish I was a normal OB patient. But I know now that I will never be a normal OB patient. Dr. Z hugged me today and told me she was so sorry I had to go through all of this, and we aren't even at 24 weeks yet. I told her I keep telling my baby girl, "just hang in there until week 24", just 7 more weeks. I know if she can hang that long, she at least has a chance. But really how much of a chance? At 24 weeks she will have a 50% chance of survival and if she does survive half of THOSE babies have permanent problems as a result of being born premature. How much longer will my baby be alive? Only God knows.

This is the most stressful pregnancy I have ever had to endure. I feel so heavy like I'm carrying the weight of 10 men on my back. I just want a chance to breath, to relax, to confidently say "I know everything is going to be OK", when do I get to say that?

17 Weeks

2010-09-13T19:08:00.000-07:00

17 Weeks 1 Day.

It still amazes me that I'm actually here, I'm actually pregnant, and I'm actually this far along. Almost halfway there. Pregnant with a little girl, my daughter, my princess. Its still unbelievable!

Updates for week 17; As your baby is in the middle of an impressive growth spurt it should come as not surprise to hear that they've already added nearly another inch to their length and over an ounce and a half to their weight (they're around 6 ounces and 6 inches). You're definitely feeling the growth as your belly expands enough to make you feel a bit off balance now and again. Also watch out for that round ligament pain.

This weeks cravings have been red potatoes. I can't seem to get enough!

This week has gone by pretty normally until today. I started getting contractions around noon but with rest they went away, only to come back with a vengeance around 3PM. After resting and eating dinner the contractions have once again came back around 7PM and have been off and on now for about 20 minutes. I really hope I do not end up back in the ER!

This week has been somewhat stressful with bouncing personal problems at home. I can only wonder if these issues are in anyway related to the contractions I have been experiencing. I take nothing for granted with a high risk pregnancy and I would hope others would realize that just because we have two lines on a pregnancy test does not ensure a safe arrival for our little Zort.

Speaking of Zort I really need to choose a name. Please take a second and go to Zort's page and click on the baby name poll and let me know what you all think of the choices.

Tomorrow is baby Johnny's 18 month angelversary. I hope he watching down on us as I plan to do something for him tomorrow. I miss him.

I Will Never Forget.

2010-09-11T01:30:00.000-07:00

The last few posts have all been about my pregnancy and as excited as I am to be carrying this little miracle inside of me, I do not want the true reason behind this blog to disappear. My son, Johnny Giovanni has been gone for, well it will be 18 months this month. Today, I finished his scrapbook. I had been putting it off for months because I didn't want it to be done. I didn't want to say goodbye all over again to my little angel. But finally I compilled all of my courage and added the last few pages from baby Johnny's first birthday to his scrapbook and put it to a close. He lives on inside of me and with his Heavenly Father, forever and ever. He is the wind that touches my face, the drop of rain on the window pane, the butterfly flying overhead. He is always with me. I love you son.

I made this video to display his completed scrapbook. Please take a minute to view it.

A Second Opinion NEVER Hurts!

2010-09-09T00:10:00.000-07:00

So sorry it took me so long to update. Appt went great. Baby Zort is measuring right on target at 16weeks and 3days! Had a beautiful heartbeat of 149 bmp and the little heart was separated into the four chambers already and all connections looked good. Baby's brain was also separated into two hemispheres, another good sign. Also baby Zort's spine looked wonderful! Cerebellum also perfect. Talked with Dr. P and he said other peri was CONFUSED the odds of Zort having some kind of birth defect is only 20% meaning when the other peri said 1 in 5 I was right to think the 1 was the child born with a defect. The chances are now pretty slim and even more slim since this ultrasound came out so positive. I'm starting to have second thoughts about proceeding now with this amnio, at least for right now. I'm leaning more towards having it done further along, past viability and well into the 30 week range. All in all it was a very informative appt, which is what I wanted.

Oh and did I mention we got to find out the gender?

Baby Zort is a............

Bladder, scares, and Expansion

2010-09-07T12:55:00.000-07:00

Yep thats me, running to the bathroom 7-8 times a night....and I don't even know how many times during the day! Nut-so! Not to mention things are expanding...in certain areas!

We had a pretty big scare the past couple of days. As I posted last time Baby Zort did a really big flop and then no movement...all night that night, and all day yesterday. I was panicked to say the least. I called my office and the dr on call was so super nice (this was the first time I had met her) and got me right in at the hospital to do a heartbeat check. It took awhile to find and those 3 minutes or so seemed like hours, but finally, there it was like a galloping horse! Little Zorts heartbeat was strong in the 150's! It was like a huge relief, I felt like a weight had been taken off my shoulders, but that relief only lasted a few minutes before I realized I still have 24 more weeks of this. At any point and time I could lose my little Zort. I told Johnny that I do not want to buy anything else for Zort until viability at 24 weeks, then I said until we hit the 32 week mark (the week after I lost baby Johnny), I couldn't decide when the "safe" part of pregnancy was. Then I realized there isn't one.

I can not come home to a house full of baby stuff with empty arms......again.

As We Enter Month 4

2010-09-05T20:55:00.000-07:00

I can't believe I'm here, yet so intimidated at how much time I have left.

Baby Zort's Progress - Week 16 Only 24 more weeks to go!

My 4.5 inch light-bulb baby is no longer quite so top-heavy. Their little limbs have lengthened and are reaching their normal proportions. Their eyes are still closed but actively moving and even more interesting: this is the magic week when an ultrasound can reveal whether I've got a wee lad or lassie.

We spent the day today just relaxing at home and making more tamales! YUM! Its such a long process, but the taste just sooo good!

The meat and veggies cooking.

The masa spread on husk with meat.

The finished product....makes my mouth water!

In the middle of it all Baby Zort did a huge flip (kinda like Johnny did before...well you know) and I haven't felt her move since then. Of course I'm completely freaked out, but trying to have faith that everything is OK. If I dont feel her move by tomorrow afternoon, I WILL be calling Dr Z. who I'm sure thinks i'm a big pain in the rear end, but I'd rather think that and little Zort be fine, than for it to be on the other side of the spectrum.

Tonight though, I will try to sleep.

Each time we face our fear, we gain strength, courage, and confidence

2010-08-31T19:35:00.000-07:00

So finally after searching, begging, and pleading; I found another perinatologist to see me for a second opinion on the NT test. I will see Dr. P on September 8th, the day before my scheduled amnio. I'm excited but nervous. I'm sure his diagnosis wont be far off from Dr. B's but at least I will have more information and in the end thats all I really want, since the last dr. the other office stuck me with was a real jerk and a half. Plus at Dr. P's office is is mandatory that all new patients get an ultrasound, and I won't turn down a chance to see little Zort! Also, Dr. P comes highly recommended so I feel like I will be in great and capable hands. Everything was super until I mapquested Dr. P's office address. I don't know why it didn't him me before this, but maybe I was just blocking it out. Dr. P's office is in the exact same building, on the exact same floor, and right next door to Dr. F's office, the OB I saw while pregnant with baby Johnny. The dr I vowed that I would never see again. The dr that was so uncompassionate that was ready to push into making the decision of having more children or not just a few weeks after my son's demise. Not to mention his office is in the same parking lot of the hospital that only 17 months ago I was wheeled out of; empty handed.

Big Johnny doesn't understand why it will be so hard for me to go back to that same building, that same parking lot. The one that I haven't returned to in so many months. The area that I avoid at all costs. I guess men just don't get it. Maybe its easy for him to say since this is one appt I will be going to alone. Not that I don't enjoy going to my appt's alone because some of them I do, as I know the big decisions weigh only on my shoulders, and mine alone. Big Johnny will not in any way shape or form give his opinion on any of the big decisions. Its easier for me just to go alone and hear whatever news it is they have to tell me.

As I not only psych myself up to get the amnio and not pass out while looking at the needle (only half kidding here folks), I know have to psych myself up to going to this horrible building, passing by this horrible dr's office, that in my mind killed my child, and concentrate on only my little Zort.

God help me.

I know the world isn't fair, but why isn't it ever unfair in my favor?

2010-08-27T20:33:00.000-07:00

Went to see the perinatologist today. Now this is an office of about 15 different doctors, but I prefer to see the same one I have seen in the past, and I made an appt on a special day just to see this doctor who works out of multiple offices. Unfortunately when I got there, Dr B was nowhere to be found. Scheduling mistake. Great. So I seen Dr. O who is SUPPOSED to be the head peri in the office. Well he was a jerk, to put it nicely and pretty much told me he didn't know why I was there. Excuse me? What do you mean you don't know why I'm here? I explained that the office did not have the blood work last time I went in for the NT test so this was supposed to be a follow up consult with the NT blood work and ultrasound. His words? "Well with your nuchal thickness being so high (a five) the blood work is pretty much pointless." Pointless? I think not Dr. O, I think not. It took him 10 minutes to "locate" my blood work analysis, saying they didn't have it, blah blah blah. Give your excuses to someone else Dr. O, for I am not the one. After finding it they still said my rates were 1/5 that baby Zort has an abnormality. Again, the only way to know for sure is to have an amnio. Which we now have scheduled in two weeks. During these two weeks, I am hoping to get a referral to a different Peri from Dr. Z and seeing what they think of the results. I just don't want to jump into a risky invasive test if I really don't need to.

Sigh.

Isn't this pregnancy suppose to be easy? Don't I get a free pass because my baby died? I want to turn in my free pass, pass go, and collect my perfect healthy baby. Thank you and goodnight.

Who Done It?

2010-08-20T10:57:00.000-07:00

Guilt is just as physical as it is mental. It will eat at you from the inside out. I think all mothers carry with them some kind of guilt about something they did or didn't do with or for their children; but I think angel mommies carry a heavier load of this much unwanted emotion. No matter what stage of grief they are in.

Webster's definition of guilt is : justly chargeable with or responsible for a usually grave breach of conduct or a crime; justly liable to or deserving of a penalty

Harsh. Responsible for a usually grave breach of conduct. That's about how I feel most days.

I watched "My Sister's Keeper" months and months ago, but now it seems like that movie is coming back to haunt me. Had baby Johnny lived, I seriously doubt I would be pregnant with baby Zort. Baby Zort's very existence relies on Baby Johnny's non-existence. How morbidly creepy is that? I feel this heavy burden of never asking Baby Johnny what he wanted. Is it really right for me to have another child just because he is gone?

I want baby Zort more than anything in this world and I treasure every part of this pregnancy more than I treasured anyone of my past pregnancies, but at what cost? The cost of my son's life? How fair is that? Not that I didn't want and adore my other children and still do, but I didn't have that knowledge. I was still protected by that veil of naivety; and right now I would do anything to have that veil back.

None of this probably makes any sense to anyone reading it and I really don't expect it to. I wrote this mainly for myself, because its just something that I have been feeling and needed to get off my chest.

Time After Time

2010-08-19T17:32:00.000-07:00

Its only been a week since I last updated but so much has happened in such a short time, it seems like it was longer.

The Zofran is still working in keeping my morning sickness in check most days but I still do have the occasionally outbreak and I'm sure I will continue having these throughout my pregnancy.

Sunday morning I woke up to cramping in my lower abdomen. Wonderful. What could be going wrong now, I thought. I still got the family up and we headed out to church. All through the service I continued to cramp, but I needed to be there, our attendance has been sporadic the last month and I never seem to make it to relief society, so I was determined to make it all the way through; and I did. Immediately getting out of church, however I called Dr. Z's office and left a message for the doctor on call. Dr J called me back almost immediately, which was awesome. She told me to take three doses of Ibuprofen 6 hours apart and if I'm still cramping to call back, she also said to rest and watch for bleeding; if bleeding occurs to call back. After the three doses (which was now Monday afternoon) I was still cramping. Called Dr. Z's office and made an appt to see her next day. Tuesday I went in to see Dr. Z and found out I had a HORRIBLE UTI which caused the cramping. Baby Zort was A-OK with a heart rate in the high 150's. That was a load off my mind. She sent me home with a scrip for an antibiotic and a follow up appt next Tuesday (8/24).

I finally got another appt with the peri for August 27th. I will have another ultrasound and another consult on the NT screen (this time with the blood work). I am very nervous and anxious to get the results. I am also a little excited that we might be able to find out the sex of our little baby Zort. I will be 14weeks and 5days, so I'm hoping. If not I will be getting another ultrasound around week 18 (9/19) and will definitely find out then!

Baby Johnny's 17th month angelversary was on the 14th. I just can't believe its been so long, it doesn't seem that long in my heart. I try so hard to imagine what life would be like with this little boy running around my house and for some reason I just can't. I hate that. I miss you son.

I ended up in the ER last night for my asthma, its like one thing after another! After getting a breathing treatment, my lungs sounded clear, so I was sent home with a script for an inhaler and told to use it every four hours. I am already taking so many medications, this just adds to the list.

Just The Little Things

2010-08-12T21:17:00.000-07:00

I'm absolutely in love with Zofran! I finally got my prescription last night and started taking it right away. Today I was able to get up....and EAT which is a HUGE step for me all in itself. Then I was able to clean my house, organize appts, get some letters out in the mail that I had been putting off, COOK DINNER (again huge feet!), and wash laundry. I just felt so energized and just good something I haven't felt in weeks! They aren't kidding when they say to make sure you take three doses a day though. I went a little too long without taking my second dose and almost lost it, but thankfully I got it down in time and all was well.

Baby Zort enjoyed his/her Mozart again today. Every time I play it for baby Zort I can feel movement....well almost every time. It is so reassuring that my baby is OK.

Still no update on the blood work yet, but I plan on calling Dr. Z in the morning and seeing if there is any info on it. I'm really not sure how long it takes to come in.

Saturday is baby Johnnys 17 month angelversary. I can't believe its almost been a year and a half since I had to say goodbye to my beautiful son. I'm still trying to decide what to do for this months angelversary. I feel like I haven't put myself into the last two because I have been sick and that is terribly unfair to my little angel. So I plan and doing something special for him this month.

Please continue to pray for Baby Zort.

Smile When It Hurts Most

2010-08-11T20:35:00.000-07:00

Finally got my insurance to push through my new anti-nausea medication - Zofran. I am hoping that this medicine will actually WORK and I can kick this horrible morning sickness in the butt! The side effects of this medicine, however, are quite scary; ranging from tightness of the chest to swelling of the eyes, lips, and face.....YIKES! But I have to do what I have to do to keep my baby in good health.

I have been craving salad like crazy! This baby sure does love his/her veggies. Oh, and strawberries, I could eat salad and strawberries all day everyday! Its good that I am craving healthy foods because I have had to cut the salt out of the majority of the foods I eat. While I DID finally gain weight with this pregnancy (4lbs at my last appt 12weeks 1day), my blood pressure was also slightly elevated. At this early in the pregnancy this isn't a good sign. I was put on bed rest at 16 weeks with Annissa because of blood pressure and pre-eclamptic symptoms I REALLY hope that is not happening here. Good news is, if it does come to that, I will not have to be hospitalized, but instead will have a personal nurse come to my home daily to check my bp, etc.

I have been trying to remain optimistic with this pregnancy, even though it hasn't been the easiest and we haven't gotten the best of news. And let me tell you, it isn't easy. Not by a long shot. I know there are people that have it worse than I do and I should just be happy that my baby is alive and I am - God knows I am grateful. Its just so hard knowing all that could happen, all that could go wrong, and still keep an optimistic outlook.

Big Johnny has been getting closer to baby Zort which has been nice, he talks to Zort every night in spanish, its so cute. Last night I wanted an ice cream sandwich soooo badly but not with all the preservatives, I wanted an all natural one, like Dreyers. So Big Johnny searched and finally found some and brought them home. As I sat there eating it, he talked to baby Zort asking if he/she was enjoying the all natural ice cream (which of COURSE Zort did!). It was a really cute mommy/daddy/baby moment. Probably one I will treasure for years to come.

I've been trying to make a button for baby Zort but I apparently SUCK at making buttons, either that or I am having pregnancy brain because I just can't seem to figure it out. I'm going to keep on trying though!

Please continue to pray for Baby Zort!

Time To Wait

2010-08-10T11:18:00.000-07:00

Went to see Dr Z yesterday to get the blood work done for the NT test. Now we get to play the waiting game for the results to come in. I will go back to the peritalogist and have another consult and perhaps another u/s and then decide if and when we will do any invasive tests. I talked to Dr Z about waiting until I'm 35 weeks to have the amnio done and she seems to be on board with that idea, that way if something does happen (going into labor etc) my baby has a much better chance for survival, and that is afterall, what we all want. I thought I had made up my mind and was going to get the amnio done at 15 weeks but its just such a hard decision to make. I can't imagine what it would feel like if something were to happen to my baby, if I were that 1 in 450, and I had to carry that guilt around for the rest of my life knowing it was MY fault that my baby was......dead. I have about three weeks to make up my mind which will be when my next consult with the peri will be. Sometime between August 30th and September 3rd (the week I will be 15 weeks). So like I said its just the waiting game now.

Dr. Z also talked to us about family planning and asked if this was going to be my last baby. I was dead set on this being it for me, but when it was brought up I freaked out inside. Am I really ready to tie my tubes? Because this is c-section number 4 for me (no dr will do a vbac at this point) it is VERY dangerous for me to have any more c-sections. There is a high risk of maternal death after 4 c-sections because I could bleed out.

My morning sickness is still continuing and it sucks. Dr Z is trying to get my insurance to pay for Zofran so we will see how that goes. My boobs are still achy and feel full and I seem to be growing. I actually gained my first amount of weight at my last appt. I'm 4lbs heavier. My BP was slightly elevated yesterday but they didn't seem to considered, but I am. I will keep an eye on it myself.

So for now, I'm just waiting.

If It's Not One Thing, It's Something Else

2010-08-04T18:10:00.000-07:00

Went to see the perintalogist today and the visit started off bad. The receptionist was rude, on a personal call as I was signing in. Great, off to a bad start. Then after getting called back I went straight to the ultrasound room for my NT scan. The scan took about 45 minutes because baby Zort did not want to cooperate and was in the wrong position for the test. Zort kept looking at the camera, moving up and down, and waving at us the whole time. Baby Zort's heartbeat looked great and measured at 165 BMP. That was the fun part, seeing my baby move all over for the camera was the BEST thing I have seen or heard through this entire pregnancy. I was in awe. But my happiness was short lived as the tech told us that baby Zort's NT scan shows that he/she is high for down syndrome. During a NT scan the tech looks at the thickness of the back of the babies neck. The thickness is supposed to fall somewhere in between 2 - 3 mil thick, anything 4 and above is considered a high risk. Baby Zort's was 5. FIVE. As the us tech was telling us that there was an issue I felt like everything was going in slow motion again. She just kept saying, "the doctor will explain it further to you." So after waiting for close the 30 minutes after getting this result for the doctor, he comes in. He first explains about the thickness, and what they are looking for and tells us what baby Zorts results were. Unfortunately my blood tests for the NT scan either weren't taken or didn't reach his office so they didn't have those, but he said that because the ultrasound showed such a high number my OB may not even get those done. He proceeds to tells us that this scan is just a marker, to tell them who is high risk and who isnt for having a child with downs. That we would have to do further testing to find out if baby Zort does indeed have downs syndrome. There are two types of tests that can be done, both have risks. Amniocenteses or CVS both have about a 1in 250 risk of losing the pregnancy immediately following the test. This is just to tell us if the baby has downs or not. Then if baby Zort does have downs there will be more tests and specialists, etc. After a few minutes of soaking all of that in, he goes into the blood clotting disorder that I have called MTHFR which is a mutation in my blood. He says the kind I have isnt serious, THANK GOD! He said a lot of times pregnant women have to take Heparin which is a daily shot to control the MTHFR, mine thankfully isn't that bad. He said I show no signs of clots which is great news. I can take a baby aspirin daily to help thin my blood a little but isn't necessary. But he concludes that this probably wasn't the cause for baby Johnny's death, so unfortunately his death is still a mystery.

So now I am at a cross roads. Do I get the amnio or CVS test and hope to God I'm not the one in 250 that loses my baby or do I just wait until delivery and find out if my child has a missing chromosome? I'm so scared and so confused. I just don't understand why God continues to test me, haven't I been tested enough?? Sigh.

I'm going to leave you with a precious picture of baby Zort.

Men talk of killing time, while time quietly kills them

2010-07-23T18:14:00.000-07:00

Its taken me a couple of days to come to terms with what I was told by the phlebotomist on Wednesday but now that I think I have I can share it. My OB ordered to have 16 different blood tests done (yes you read that right) 16. After taking the 16 tubes of blood, having to stick me twice, and me almost passing out, the phlebotomist starts marking each of the tubes with my name and what test they go with. While doing so she notices that there are many, many clots of blood in each tube. At first she just says "Thats weird." and calls another person into the room. They both stand over my blood and whisper to each other like they are part of the CIA or national defense working on a secret mission. I finally say "Is something wrong?" They reply, "Well we can't really say for sure......its just odd to have so many clots in your blood.....have you been having chest pains lately?" Yes, yes actually I feel like I'm going to have a heart attack at times, which I told my Dr Z at my last OB appt and she said it could be anxiety over the pregnancy or maybe dehydration, hence why the blood work. In which the plebotomist replied "You should really call your doctor then and let her know of your blood clots, but I'm sure she will call you when she gets the results." By this time I was on the verge of tears and very thankful that I left Big Johnny and Annissa out in the waiting room. I pulled myself together and walked out. "Wow, you were in there for a long time Mommy!" Annissa said. I almost didn't hear her since I was lost in thought. A long time indeed. It took them almost 45 minutes to take 16 tubes of blood out of me. I've been too scared to call Dr. Z and tell her what the plebotomist said, not only that but she won't have any results yet anyway. One of the tests takes 7 days to come back. So now I sit in limbo not only worried about baby Zort, but now worried about my health. I've always had it in the back of my mind of my children's mortality but I guess I have never really thought of my own. Strange that I never have considering I'm so much older than my children, but my concern was always them. Now I have to be concerned with what will happen to them if something is seriously wrong with me. I don't want to tell Annissa and AJ anything yet. Its too early and I want to have all the facts before I say anything to them. They are spending the week with their dad this week because he has vacation from work so my days have been quiet (something that haven't been since summer vacation let out) and it leaves me with time to think, too much time if you ask me. I don't like it quiet. I want my kids fighting in the other room about whose turn it is on the xbox and asking what we are going to do today. I don't want to think about what could be or maybe what is. I keep praying for God to have His will with my life, maybe, just maybe this is it.

I wish they would only take me as I am.

2010-07-20T01:13:00.000-07:00

Today the OB saw what she "thinks" was a heartbeat, she is almost certain, however she could not see baby. No head, no body, etc. The ultrasound machine that she used wouldn't zoom and isn't the best, but it's just the "in office" machine. On a side note Big Johnny was very supportive at this appt which appreciated more than he probably knows. I have an appt with the perintalogist on Aug 4th for an NT screen and another (more in depth) ultrasound. The OB's words, "we are still not in the clear" with this pregnancy, but as I have said before we won't be "in the clear" until I am holding my rainbow baby. I am still so very nervous and so very scared for my little one. I hold my breath every time the OB flips on that ultrasound machine, every time I use the restroom, hell every time I breathe thinking that this will be the last moment that I will have my precious Zort inside of me, the last moment that I will be pregnant. I wish someone could just say for certain that this baby will make it, will be healthy and happy and live a long life, but there are no guarantees, no certainty with life and that in itself is scary. I'm started to become more anxious about Annissa and AJ and really do not want to let them out of my sight. I haven't told anyone, but I'm starting to have the same nightmares I had after I lost my precious baby Johnny of blood and gore and of horrible things happening to my living children. I can NOT handle another loss and I know this for certain. I have had a bouts of dizzy spells with this pregnancy as well, which are now a concern for my OB. I will go tommorow to have a TON of blood work done in which the perintalogist will go over with me. I can't even tell you the number of things my blood will be tested for and honestly I have only glanced over the list because i'm too scared to look at it in any depth, afraid of what I might find; and afraid of what Google will bring up with I without a doubt look up what all the tests are and what they are for. Google is a dangerous tool in the hands of a pregnant women, especially one after a loss. I don't understand why it has to be so hard. My OB today told me "you are going to be my interesting patient". I don't want to be her interesting patient. I'd rather be the one that gets lost in all the paperwork because my pregnancy is so routine and everything looks so great. I want to be the one that doesn't have to see the OB every week during the first trimester, I want to be the one that ends in a healthy baby every time; but I'm not and I never will be that person. Why is it so easy for some and so hard for others? It drives me crazy to hear some of the concerns of pregnant women, "oh no I hope I don't get fat!" "oh I wish I could have a drink!".....good for you, I wish my baby will be born ALIVE. Sigh. Now I just sound condescending and bitter so maybe I should just end here. Time to find my mask again.

There is no love without forgiveness, and there is no forgiveness without love

2010-07-10T14:22:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I got the much awaited call from my OB. My HCG (Human Chorionic Gonadotropin), or pregnancy hormone as its more frequently known as, had raised, but not as much as it should have. The HCG level in your blood and urine during pregnancy should double every 72 hours (normally). Mine did not, it went from being 13000 on June 30th to 35000 on July 8th. Now while every pregnancy different and I am in the correct HCG level for being almost 8 weeks, the OB still can not guarantee that this is a viable pregnancy, but when can anyone guarantee that you are going to have a healthy baby at the end of your pregnancy? Only when you have that baby in your arms is when anyone can say "Ok your pregnancy was a success". I miss that veil of naiveness that I used to have where I thought all pregnancies ended in happiness. I wish I could have that faith now because I'm so scared to lose my baby Zort. I know Zort probably deserves a better Mommy than me, maybe a better life than I can give him or her, but I would love the chance to try to be a good Mommy, a GREAT Mommy, the best Mommy I can be. I just don't know why God is trying to take that chance away from me? The OB says I might just be off with my dates and the pregnancy may not be as far along as I think, but I don't know how that can be when I was taking ovulation tests EVERYDAY and know exactly when I ovulated! This wasn't an unexpected pregnancy, this wasn't an "oopps I forgot the condom" baby, this was a MUCH wanted, MUCH planned baby. I just don't see how I could be off with my dates. I am so grateful that at a time like this, I can turn to my babyloss mamas that understand my worries and do not judge me. I love how compassionate they are and how much love they show. I am also grateful for my loving friends that reach out to show me how much they care and offer to do whatever they can to help me through such a difficult period in my life. As well I am grateful for my two living children that know how much this baby means to their mama and how much this baby means to them, that they are willing to comfort me and help out anyway their little hands can. As I sat in my OB's office and my tears fell like raindrops, my daughter, my little 8 year old, reached out and hugged me and said "its gonna be OK mama, I love you". Its those moments that I know I have done a good job. When my six year old son includes his unborn sibling and his brother in heaven in his prayers every night, I know that I have done a good job. I have good kids and I'm so thankful for that. I am grateful for my religion and that I have someone to talk to, someone that I feel has all the answers, someone that I feel if I continue on the path I will get to see again someday. I am thankful for my Heavenly Father who shows me forgiveness and mercy everyday of my life. I am trying so hard to follow that same course, I try so hard to be forgiving to those that have wronged me but I am in no way perfect and its so hard for me to forgive everything, every wrong. Even though I feel I have a good support system, I wish I had my family to turn too, I wish my family knew the words of the gospel and understood that family is the center of all that is righteous and is in Gods plan for us to be together. I come from a very large, however dysfunctional family, and even though, I miss them. I especially miss my mom, I think every girl wants the comfort of their mother when life takes a wrong turn, but its not just that. I miss the relationship we used to have and yearn to get it back, but I don't know the first step and am so afraid of rejection. Who wants to be rejected by their own mother? My sisters have all at one time or another said horrible, vindictive things to me as I am have said things to them as well. I have asked Heavenly Father to forgive me for these wrongs I have done and can only hope that one day they will know the feeling of forgiveness and too repent for the things they have said to and about me and my children. I try not to be the one to hold onto grudges because I have realized that all that anger and pain only hurts me, and brings me further down. A grudge that you hold never hurts the other person. They don't care or sometimes even know that you carry it, but you do. I am trying so hard to let these feelings go because I know if I don't they will consume me and eventually lead to my demise.

Now I have clear off course. I deeply hope that my little Zort turns out to be a screaming baby in February, but if not, maybe it is in God's plan and I have to accept that, as hard as it will be. We have an appt on the 19th, by this time the OB thinks we should be able to see a heartbeat, at this time she will also again test my HCG levels. At that appt we should know if this is a viable pregnancy. Please, if you believe in any higher power, please pray for baby Zort.

Heartbroken.

2010-07-08T21:30:00.000-07:00

I went to see my new OB today for my first appt for baby Zort. I went in kind of nervous off the bat because this is my first time back to any OB since I lost baby Johnny back in March of 2009. Dr. Z was super nice, she went over all the records from baby Johnny's death, all the records from baby Zort's visit to the ER and explained everything to me. It appeared that with baby Johnny my placenta malfunctioned. Something my old OB never told me. Apparently only 60% of my placenta was functioning normally, the rest was "dead". So that was scary all by itself. My body somehow failed me. Why? Only more blood work and a trip to a perintologist will answer these questions, and those will come in the near future. She looked over the labs and ultrasound from the ER and said everything looked OK but wanted to do a follow up ultrasound. While doing so she only saw a sac, no pole, no heartbeat. At going 6 weeks 3 days she should have been able to see more than just a sac. So she gave us the news that we may be losing this baby, this may end in miscarriage. Or in an unlikely case, I may be off by the dates which is highly unlikely because I KNOW when I ovulated I was taking damn ovulation tests everyday! I just can't believe this may be happening again. I just am completely shocked that God would take away another one of my babies. But why should I be? I am not the only one nor do I doubt that I will be the last. My heart literally aches, I can NOT handle this again. I can NOT handle losing another child. God knows this, He knows how much I can endure and I CAN NOT endure this. If this child does not make it, I am giving up. I am tying my tubes. My heart can not take hearing those words again, "I'm sorry there is nothing we can do."

Oh God please help baby Zort.

Fear is the darkroom where negatives are developed

2010-07-02T20:33:00.001-07:00

I'm terrified.

There I said it, its out. Now everyone knows. I almost feel relief letting it out.

After our ER visit that left us with really no answers, I'm simply scared to death that little Zort is not going to stick around. Every fiber of my being is pleading with God to let me keep my little one, begging to please not take this one back....but I know those pleads do not always work. I negotiated with God the entire hospital stay with baby Johnny, I'd be better, I'd be different, I'd give up everything, just please dont take my son away; but He did. And if God deems it so, He will take this one away as well. I honestly just don't think I could handle that. I have had miscarriages in the past but it was usually after just finding out I was pregnant and for some reason it never hit me as hard as this one would. I have never felt so attached to one of my children as I am baby Zort, maybe its because I know of all the terrible things that could happen and I desperately want to hold on to this child.

No matter what happens, I want you to know, my precious little child; I wanted you before you were ever conceived, I dreamed of you before you existed, and now that you are here I love you more than my heart can contain.

Please, God, please. I know you don't make deals, but please, just don't take my baby away from me.

Letter To My Son

2010-06-29T15:22:00.000-07:00

My dear sweet baby Johnny, as I sit and talk to your new brother or sister forming inside my womb, my mind drifts back to the times that I would sit and talk to you. I remember the promises I made you and I'm so sorry I couldn't keep them all. I promised that nothing bad would come your way and that you would be safe and sound in Mommy's womb. These promises turned out to be nothing more than lies. I'm so so sorry. I can not apologize enough.

I keep trying to think back to things that I did when you were inside me at this week in my pregnancy.......and sadly I draw a blank. I didn't enjoy every day with you like I am trying so hard to do with your new sibling.

I gave away all your clothes a couple weeks ago. It felt right. I think I needed to do that to help me over the bump of mourning I was in. I will mourn you every day for the rest of my life, but I was just so incredibly sad son. Everytime I passed that bag of clothes I sighed, I knew what was there and that you would never get to wear them.

I'm going to the doctor next week and I pray that I hear your siblings heartbeat just as I heard yours so many times before that horrible day. I miss you.

Love Always,

Mommy

Patience with God is Faith

2010-06-22T13:46:00.000-07:00

So much going on......where to start?

The most amazing thing happened about a week ago. A wonderful man named Ryan was working not too far from the park where I let the balloons go for baby Johnny all last year. Well Ryan was working and found one of these balloons that I had let go and attached was a note I had written to baby Johnny that included this blog site. I sent this note LAST AUGUST! Amost a YEAR AGO! How amazing that he just found it now! At first Ryan didn't read the note, he simply detached the note and put it in his pocket to read later. As a child Ryan and sent several notes up with balloons. After work he pulled out the note and read it. It touched him so deeply that he looked up my blog and read it. He then left a comment on my blog with his email address so that he could give the note back to me. After several emails I gave Ryan my home address so he could mail it to me, but instead Ryan hand delivered this note to me. I can not tell you how much this note meant to me and even more so that Ryan had taken the time to contact me and then to bring it straight away to me, touched me so deeply. During all these emails Ryan and I sent back and forth I found out he was a member of the church. At the time when I was feeling so down I was brought right back up by Jesus Christ and I then knew without a shadow of a doubt that this was the right church and that I am right where I am supposed to be. God is SO good!

The letter sent to Baby Johnny

Annissa came back from girl scout camp on June 11th. She had so much fun meeting all new friends! She even met someone from Australasia which she thought was just the coolest thing ever! She said the best thing she learned was horseback riding. She now knows how to start, stop, and ride a horse! Yay! Go Annissa!

Oh my look at that crazy hair!!

Annissa has been getting the teachings from the church right along with me. Two weeks ago she decided ON HER OWN that she wants to get baptized in the church. She told me she had a dream where Jesus Christ came to her and told her that this was the right church and that she should get baptized. Annissa already had her interview and will be baptized this Saturday June 26th! I'm so very proud of her.

AJ has been struggling with tying his shoes now for about the past year. He FINALLY got this past weekend! We are so proud that he finally figured it out! Way to go AJ!

I have my first OBGYN appt scheduled for July 8th. I *think* might be getting our first ultrasound that day! I hope so! They should definitely be confirming my due date, but as for now it is tentatively set as 2/20/11 (just two days before my 30th birthday and I couldn't think of a better birthday gift!) Although its much too early to find out the sex, but that hasn't stopped me from going on my motherly instinct and buying up a bunch of pink stuff! I so think its a girl!

Today I did a "gender prediction" test with cabbage. Mixing cabbage water with urine and watching the color change. Purple for a girl and pink/red for a boy. The minute I mixed the two it immediately turned PURPLE for a girl! Yay! So I might just be right and have my little girl.

I have been thinking about names and have decided on Serenity Faith-Grace for a girl and Nephi (not sure about the middle name yet) for a boy.

Since so many of my friends are online I would love to have an online baby shower and am in the process of getting a webcam set up so I can broadcast my baby shower online so all my wonderful friends who have supported me so much this past year can enjoy my shower as well! I love you all!

Guilt is perhaps the most painful companion of death

2010-06-15T13:42:00.000-07:00

I am heavy laden with guilt. Yesterday was baby Johnny's 15th month angelversary. He has been gone for 15 months, but it seems like only yesterday I received that devastating news that no parent should ever have to hear, "Your baby is dead." Here I am excited about a new pregnancy when there is nothing new for baby Johnny. His baby book sits on his shelf, incomplete, I havent even added his first birthday pictures. Its too hard....like its the end of his life, when his life should just be beginning. I did nothing for his 13th and 14th month angelversary.....NOTHING. Its almost like those days passed by without me even noticing, even realizing. How???? Instead of thinking of baby Johnny, I spend my time thinking about baby Zort, picturing what he or she will look like, act like, be like. What kind of mother does that? I feel the guilt rising up more and more the farther I get in this pregnancy. I'm so sorry baby Johnny. Mommy is just so so so sorry.

All I Want Is To Be Normally Insane

2010-06-07T21:05:00.000-07:00

I have been looking for the words to type since my last entry but everytime I sit down to write my mind becomes hazy and I feel intimidated. Scared to share my emotions with even myself. I feel so guilty for even speaking about my pregnancy here, like I'm invading baby Johnny's space. I feel that all he has is me....and this blog. So for me to talk about another child is cruel. Even as I type this I feel like he is feeling pushed to the side. I will NEVER forget my son and there is no way that any child could replace him. He will always be an individual to me, special in so many ways.

I feel like such a bad mother. How can I even be thinking of bringing a child into this mess that I call my life? Am I self fish? Am I really only trying to replace a baby that I never got to bring home? These questions and so many more keep me awake nightly.

I've been trying to pull myself closer to my faith and to Jesus Christ. I yearn for the peace that I feel only God can give me. I crave the knowledge and the patience I know only Heavenly Father can bring me. I devour my scriptures every morning pouring my soul into my readings.

I want to do right by this child, give him or her a perfect life, but in all reality I know no life is perfect and I will continue to stumble and fall and make mistakes. But am I learning from those mistakes? Am I really trying to better myself? Everytime I lose my patience I wonder why I can't just keep my anger in check....why is this such a hard hurdle for me to overcome?? What could make it easier?? What do I have to do to JUST STAY CALM??

I have not yet made a doctors appt, although I have gotten a recommendation for what is supposed to be one of the best OBGYN's in the state. I'm just so nervous to go into the office, for someone else to look at my child and tell me.....what? What horrible thing could a doctor tell me now? I keep expecting the worst........where before baby Johnny I was naive to such pain and heartache; now I almost wait for it, as if I know it is to come.

I try to stay positive but I keep falling into this funk, this depressive state and I know that this child, this little glimmer of hope in the distance is the only thing keeping me going right now and if I lose it....I think I may just lose myself.

The ultimate test of a relationship is to disagree but to hold hands

2010-05-08T23:04:00.000-07:00

Unbelievable! Why is it on every holiday, ESPECIALLY ones where I am missing my little Johnny....wait...I miss him on every holiday....anyway....EVERY holiday Big Johnny has to somehow someway screw up for me. Its always got to all go to shit. As if its not hard enough for me to put on a fake smile tomorrow and pretend that Mother's Day is this joyous occasion for me as if I'm not missing one of my children. Then he has the nerve to tell me that my grieving inconveniences the relationship, that I need to figure out a way to "move on" because my grief is just causing too many problems in the relationship. WTF?? You have GOT to be kidding me!! Of all people, out of EVERYONE I know he is the last person I thought I would hear those words from. But I did. And now I'm just broken. I want nothing to do with tomorrow and wish I could just sleep right through it, pretending that it didn't even exist. But I can't do that, I have two other children that I have to put on a happy face for, and pretend that Mommy is just fine. I HATE HATE HATE this life.

When you come to the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on

2010-04-25T20:36:00.000-07:00

"Eyes are the windows of the soul

When you look deep into someones eyes

You can tell what their soul has been through

I see a little girl

And I just have to look deep into her eyes; into her soul

I look and I see horrible things

He beat and hurt her

But she was too scared to tell anyone

I think to myself, should I take this girl with me

Or leave her here just to be?

Then I remember what I was taught

And that was to help people in need

So I try to pick up the little girl

Only to find that I was looking into my eyes

Deep into my soul

And found a deep dark secret from the past

For I was that little girl; alone and scared

No one came to pick me up

Since I left my soul inside

And didn't allow anyone to look into my eyes."

This is a poem I wrote when I was 14 years old. I wish I could write poetry like that again. I was so in touch with myself and my emotions back then. Now, I just can't seem to get in tune with my emotions like that now. Not truly. I always feel distant from myself. Like I'm watching myself from the outside looking in. So many times I know I'm making the wrong choices and I watch myself do them, without trying to stop it. Maybe this is how I deal with the loss of my son, just distance myself from my true emotions. I wish I could just let me all out. Let me be me again. I don't even know who I am anymore. Don't get me wrong, I know me as the Mommy, the girlfriend, the sister, the aunt, and the daughter. I know how to keep a clean house and cook a good wholesome meal. But I don't know me as the person.

I'm totally ready now I think, to go back to work. I want to try in the very least. Unfortunately, this "go get em" attitude comes at an inopportune time for the economy and I fear I won't be able to find a job. Not like I haven't been looking, I have, but there is just nothing out there to be found.

I find myself now every time I go to the store, in the baby department. I know I shouldn't go there, but I do. I end up looking at the little boys clothes and day dreaming about my son being in them. As I push the cart at the store I so often look down at where my son would be walking next to us, toddling away, grabbing everything in site. I find myself spending hours at a time scrolling through the toys at toysrus.com that my son would LOVE right now. Each time I do these things it only brings me into a deeper depression, so why do I keep doing it???

I want another child so badly, but I'm coming closer and closer to the realization that its just not our time. It's just not my time. But I'm not getting any younger. I'll be 30 next year, and every year after that its going to become harder and harder for me to conceive. Perhaps, I'm not supposed to have another child? I try to pray on this question but God and I don't have a very good relationship right now. I wish it was better but its not and I see myself drifting farther and farther away as the months without my son and negative pregnancy tests come at me.

On a completely unrelated note, our March for Babies walk went very well. We raised a total of $215 towards our cause. I can't wait for next year's walk! I want to say thank you to all of our friends and family that donated to our walk. Thank you so much for supporting us. I want to send a special thank you to our friend Jessica for her large donation. Thank you again Jessica, it meant so much to us!

I will leave you with a picture of us from out walk. AJ, Annissa, and Me. :)

The Pain of the Mind is Worse Than the Pain of the Body

2010-04-22T14:40:00.001-07:00

I have realized that I can only deal with certain pregnant woman or certain people's babies. I have no idea why but I can hear about some people's good fortune or newborn blunders and smile and be genuinely happy for them. But when I see other women pregnant or other newborns I am instantly jealous. I feel angry and bitter. I wish I knew why I could deal with some but not others.

I am so behind in keeping up with my son's memory book. I haven't even added his first birthday pages yet. What a great mother I am right? NOT!

I feel like I have too much on my plate and things are starting to fall off. I wish there was someone I could reach out to but I feel all alone like no one understands or even wants to take the time to care. I feel my blog is the only place I can really be me (as if I haven't said that enough here right?) but I feel comfortable to let it all out, even if no one reads it I feel a relief that I have at least said it. Even if its like talking in a dark room to just air. I need an outlet, soon, very soon, or I think I am going to start crumbling into a million pieces. My mind tells me to give up but my heart won't let me.

Curiosity Killed the Cat

2010-04-21T15:47:00.001-07:00

You know how there are just some things in the universe that you aren't supposed to know? You know how when you think of these things you just have to know? Maybe thats just me, but I have to know everything. So a thought popped into my head today. I never counted how many days I was pregnant with Baby Johnny. How could I NOT know how many days I had my little guy??? So I had to know. I had to count them. And you know what I realized? That I really didn't have to know, and I probably should have just stayed in the dark.

187.

One hundred and eighty seven days I carried my angel inside of. Wouldn't you know the number of days I carried it would be the code for murder/death/kill. Nice.

Maybe this will teach me that I do NOT need to know everything all the time.

I miss you son.

Forgiveness Does Not Change The Past

2010-04-19T19:05:00.000-07:00

Can you really forgive if you can't forget? I can't forget. I won't forget. Everything in my body tells me not to forgive. There was just too much done, too much said, too many horrible actions to ever forget....and forgiveness? Well, to forgive someone they would have to genuinely be sorry for their actions and have worked and earned that forgiveness and at this point in my life I don't think that person has. I never thought I could truly hate someone until that day in June of 2006. Then I realized I could. After I never thought I would ever hate anyone as much as I do that person. But alas, you proved me wrong. I feel such vengeance down deep in my heart and I hate it there. I wish I could pull it out with tweezers like on that Operation board game and just get rid of it. But I can't. It stays there, growing everyday. In order to keep my sanity I know I must say good-bye, but it hurts. They say its always darkest right before the dawn. This is my dark moment, where is my dawn?

Our Birth Is Nothing But Our Death Begun

2010-04-14T15:30:00.000-07:00

Thirteen months ago I held an angel in my arms. Some memories are fading, but some, mostly the ones I wish I could forget, stand strong in my mind. Why is it that the things you wish you could forget can never be forgotten? I remember how cold his body was and no matter how many blankets I covered him with, the cold feeling just wouldn't go away. I remember saying good-bye and how I couldn't cry, the tears just wouldn't come. The worst memory of all, telling the nurse that it was time for us to say good-bye. I don't know how I mustered the strength to do that, but I did it. I alone made that decision and how I wish I could go back to that moment and run screaming from the hospital, just so they couldn't take my baby away. My heart aches today almost as bad as it did that day thirteen months ago. It still hurts EVERY SINGLE DAY. I hate this pain. I wish I knew the trick to living this life without my son. Heavy hearts, like heavy clouds in the sky, are best relieved by the letting of a little water.

Only three days left to go now until our March for Babies. If our walk even touches just one child's life, just one parent who is at their ropes end, then it will all be worth it. Please, if you can, donate to our walk in Baby Johnny's name, even a small donation of $5 could help save a babies life. I would have given all I had to save my Johnny's life, if I had the chance.

http://www.marchforbabies.org/johnnygiovanni

Thank you TreasureBeans.com!

A baby is God's opinion that the world should go on

2010-04-08T15:52:00.001-07:00

Happy Birthday from Safeway, Baby Johnny!! The reminders just keep coming; reminders that my little boy is missing all of what are supposed to be fun milestones. Thanks Safeway for reminding me that my son didn't get to eat his birthday cake or blow out his candle. He didn't get to wear a funny hat or try to take a hit of his pinata. But Safeway isn't the only one sending and resending reminders. Enfamil sent me stage two formula (twice) reminding me once again that my little guy would be over a year and moving onto real milk. One would think that by now these reminders wouldn't bother me as much but it still hurts like I just lost him yesterday. People say I appear strong on the outside but on the inside I'm crumbling.

This is what brought me to my next idea. Shouldn't there be a company, ONE company, you could call that would take care of all these samples, notices, and information being sent to your home?? Wouldn't it be nice if that company was made up from mommies just like you that experienced the death of their child too? Someone who would be empathic of your situation? I think this would be an awesome idea. I would love to get that started but I'm not really sure where to start, but rest assured that I am going to look into it because I believe every mommy that has had their child ripped from them far too soon deserves to STOP THE MAILINGS!!!

Alas, I am dying beyond my means

2010-04-05T20:06:00.000-07:00

I think I have officially lost it this time. I am now angry at the urn. The cute little teddy bear urn that I wanted so badly for my son. I'm so tired of it just sitting there as if he is holding my sons ashes hostage. And he stares at me with those dark unyielding eyes, taunting me as the days go by and my son doesnt grow. Yes I have lost it. I dont want this stupid bear I want my son, scratch that, I NEED my son. I wish life had a rewind button, I would have done everything different. But it doesn't and everything that I read says to "just push forward". Well I can't push forward. Like Lamartine said, "Sometimes when one person is missing, the whole world seems depopulated." I feel alone in a huge family. I never thought I'd say this but I would kill to have a colicky baby, to be unkempt with a dirty house if it meant I was this way because I had my one year old son with me. My memories are starting to fade and I feel thats all I have left, minus this horrible bear. The little soft heart that used to hold baby Johnny's smell now smells like nothing; nothing at all. Its like my baby Johnny is drifting farther and farther away and its killing me inside.

Jealousy, Anger, and Sadness....Oh My!

2010-04-01T13:42:00.001-07:00

I am just so angry all the time, even when I shouldn't be angry I'm still angry. And I hate being angry all the time. It takes up so much time and energy. I decided for Easter I was going to make a basket for a little boy that would be baby Johnny's age who was a less fortunate and donate it. I did this around Christmas time with a stocking and it made me feel so good inside that I wanted to do it again. I thought it would be a wonderful way for me to keep my son's memory alive while helping out another family. But, as I'm buying all these things for this basket I feel in my heart that I'm actually buying them for my son and when my mind finally catches up with my heart and I realizes that is not for Baby Johnny, I feel sad. Today, I finally put the basket together and I felt jealous , actually jealous of this woman who can't afford to buy her baby boy an Easter basket because she has her baby. I picture her Easter morning opening this basket with her son and watching him smile and play and I realize how much I truly wish that was me with my son. I don't know whats wrong with me because there has to be something wrong with me for me to take a nice gesture like trying to help someone out and becoming angry and jealous over it. Now I'm just crying and I can't stop.....LIFE JUST ISN'T FAIR.

Baby Johnny with the Easter Basket, diapers, wipes, and basketball hoop to be donated in his name.

Dreams and anguish bring us together

2010-03-31T11:39:00.000-07:00

I hate horrible dreams it almost makes me not want to sleep ever. I fell asleep very early last night which was surprising and I think I must have only been asleep for an hour when I woke up in a cold sweat with a vivid memory of my gruesomely horrible dream. Just a warning, my dream and description is very violent so some of you may not want to read it.

My dreams always start out so calmly, a bright and sunny day and I was sitting in the grass at the park looking up into the sun, the same exact point that I have stood at to release balloons to my angel every 14th. I can feel the warm sun on my face engulfing my body and it feels so good and I feel so light, so at peace. Then all of a sudden the sky turns gray and heart sinks. I look down and I'm pregnant again. I hold my pouching womb and it feels sticky, I pull my hand away and its full of blood. I look down at my tummy again and my I'm cut open and my baby is hanging out of me, dead, with his eyes wide open, pointing at me. I hear a voice whisper "You"......"Its all YOUR fault"....I try to pick up my baby to hold him to cuddle my little baby Johnny but he slips through my fingers into the ashes he now is. I scream and that is usually when I wake up. I often wonder if I scream in real life like I do in my dream but Big Johnny has never said anything.

So there I was last night awake until almost 4 in the morning then I tossed and turned for another four hours until I finally just gave up and got up. I hate not sleeping and I hate sleeping all at the same time. I read another blog that said it so perfectly, I hate this life after the death of my son.

Forgiveness is the key to action and freedom

2010-03-26T15:29:00.000-07:00

What happened? What went wrong? Within twelve days my baby Johnny was just.....gone....what happened to you son? What happened in those twelve days?? I continue to ask God these questions just as I'm sure every mother that has lost a child has done and I have gotten no answers. I feel like I'm talking to myself. There aren't any answers. This has been tugging on my heart for the past few days. What did I do wrong, the magic question right?

I keep getting angry about little things and I know I'm not really angry about these stupid little things. I have just realized recently what I'm truly angry about. I haven't been able to forgive the situation that I believe started the crumbling of my body, the situation that put so much stress onto my body that finally....
I just haven't been able to move on from that and I don't know how to move on from it. I don't know what I need to do to get over this hurtle. Maybe I will never forgive and will forever hold onto to this resentment and anger. I don't want to be angry anymore. I just wish I could go back to when I first found out I was pregnant and do it all over again.

When I first started writing in my blog, I never thought anyone would read it or that it would be interesting to anyone else. It was just a place for me to vent my feelings and be the real me, but for those who read this and have been there for me, thank you. I just felt the need to say that.

In this great future you can’t forget your past

2010-03-23T14:02:00.001-07:00

I started watching The Secret Life of the American Teenager just a couple of months before I found out I was pregnant with baby Johnny. The main character is a 15 year old girl who finds out she is pregnant after losing her virginity and decides to keep the baby. I was pregnant the entire time this girl on the show was pregnant and she had her son just about a week after I had baby Johnny. After getting out of the hospital I watched the season finale last year in which she had her baby and named him John. Even though I know it was just a TV show and not real life it still killed me to see this little girl with her John while I didn't have mine. I still watch the show and I watch this little boy grow up and I think about what MY Johnny would have been like. I think much father into the future than just a one year old and wonder what his first day of school would have been like, what subject would have been his favorite or who would have been his best friend? Would he have liked comics or music? Would he have played video games or been into sports? Who would have been his first girlfriend and who would he have married? How many babies would he have had? All the things that he will never do and as much as I know he won't do these things I can't seem to stop wondering about them. This would have been his second Easter coming up, would he have been walking enough to collect eggs? I feel like I didn't just lose my son but I lost an entire lifetime of memories. An entire lifetime of birthdays, school plays, and loose teeth. People seem to think that when you lose a child you are simply mourning that child but what they don't seem to get is you are mourning so much more. What I wouldn't give to just have him inside my womb for just one more day.......

Is death the last step?

2010-03-18T20:26:00.000-07:00

March 14th 2010 came.....and went. Thanks to family and friends that celebrated our son's life with us, I was able to pull through. However, its been the past three days that have yanked and pulled at my heart so badly that many times I have felt like I was having a panic attack. I continue to picture my son laying on that cold concrete slab in the morgue and then transferred to his fire demise. I still kick myself for cremating him and when I think about it I feel my chest closing and it becomes hard to breathe. I thought it was supposed to get easier with time? How much time do I need?? I just want to be happy again. Why can't I just 'be happy'? My faith has continued to dwindle these past few days, I keep calling out to God for help, but am left alone with no response. I poured myself into a video for baby Johnny, displaying his life and while it did bring me some comfort, as I made the video I relived every single day of it....and that just killed me a little more on the inside.

What do I do now that the year is over? Shouldn't I feel better? For some reason I had it in my head that after a year I would magically feel better and all the pain would go away.....was I ever wrong.

Death-Day

2010-03-12T23:40:00.000-08:00

"Congratulations for making it through the first year Mom!" is the email I got yesterday. Yes congratulations to me for not going insane during the first year of losing my son, although I think that was far from what Gerber meant when they sent me an email describing all the neat things my one year old should be doing. However, my one year old isn't walking along the furniture, waving bye, or recognizing his shapes and colors. No, instead my one year old sits in an urn on my couch, but thanks to lovely emails like these (that I have opted out of btw) I get not so friendly reminders almost weekly that my little boy isnt here. Not like I could ever forget but do I really need it thrown in my face that my little Johnny will never do any of these things? I won't even mention the multitude of "Gerber Grow Up Plan" mail that I get every other day in the mail. "Insure your baby now for the future".....yes can you please insure my dead baby?

I used to love March, everything starts to bloom, the weather is beautiful, and there is just love in the air; but now I dread it, especially this March. The marking of that dreadful day when my world turned upside down, March 14th. I can hardly believe its been a year and at the same time I can hardly believe I made it this far without completely losing it. Although these past few days I have felt as though I'm walking through a thick fog, like I'm watching myself prepare for my son's first birthday party where I want everyone to be happy and celebrate his little life but I'm dying on the inside. Maybe if I stay behind the fog I can make it through the weekend, through the marking of his death-day, because that truly is what it was, his death-day. The day of his death. He never got a birthday, and that ladies and gentlemen, that is incredibly unfair. Everyone deserves a birthday right? God why did you deny my son just that???

And on that note I will close, because my eyes are so full of tears I can hardly see the screen.

I'm so sorry Baby Johnny, Mommy is just so so sorry.

Bereavement is a darkness impenetrable to the imagination of the unbereaved

2010-02-18T20:46:00.000-08:00

I don't even know what to write anymore. It seems like everyone around me knows how I should be feeling or acting but I sure don't. I don't even know what I feel anymore. I know there are good and bad days, but the bad seem to outweigh the good, and when its bad, its really really bad. I think if I didn't have Annissa and AJ to keep me busy I would literally sleep all day...and sometimes when I don't have them I still do; and then I feel guilty for doing so. Some days I don't even want to acknowledge the day, I want it to just pass me by and pretend that it never existed. Then on the good days I could be going along just fine and then, out of nowhere, it will hit me. My son is dead. Not like I forgot, I could never forget, but for the moment in time I escape the grief only to be pulled back in and brought down even lower than I was. Behind this smile is anger, disbelief, and sadness that I feel I can not show anyone. So instead I pretend to be angry about other things, things that mean nothing at all so I don't have to confront my true emotions. Its only here in my writings that I feel truly comfortable enough to be myself....and for all my Internet friends.....all my blog readers, I thank you for being my shoulder to cry, my friend to lean on, and my ear to out pour my emotions.

In less than a month my son will have been gone for a year. Someone asked me what I am going to do for his first birthday and I didn't have an answer. What do you do for a birthday party for a baby who isn't here to celebrate it? And if I do celebrate it....am I not only celebrating his death? For all you angel mommies out there, what did you do for your angels first birthday? There is no grave I can take presents to, no headstone to decorate. Sometimes I regret cremating my son, I regret that entire hospital stay and the weeks that followed it. I regret every decision I made during his pregnancy, that is guilt I will live with for the rest of my life. There is no way to change it, now I just have to learn to deal with it; which is no easy task.

I know one thing for sure, I am no longer afraid of death. I actually embrace it, only because I know as soon as that last breath escapes my lips, I will once again be blessed with the image of my son, my Johnny Giovanni. I can't wait.

It's not dying for faith that's so hard, it's living up to it.

2010-02-03T13:04:00.000-08:00

That ugly green monster keeps poking his head in. I hate that. I'm so jealous, everyone around me seems to be either pregnant or already having their little one. Why not me? I keep trying to have faith that God will give me a child when the time is right but its so hard to hold onto when so many babies are born to druggies and people that abuse their children. I know life isn't fair and one day this will all make sense but for now my faith is very shaky and borderline non-existent. Maybe my little Johnny's birthday approaching is stirring all these emotions. Don't I deserve to be a mommy again? I keep having these feelings, like what if I never get pregnant again? What if this is it for me? I am very happy with the children I have but why is it everyone else can do it and I can't? I sound like some stupid school girl crying over a boy that didn't ask her to the dance I feel so juvenile. I want to stomp my feet and scream into the sky, "I'm not pregnant and I want to know why!" My birthday is in 19 days, what a wonderful birthday present it would be to see a big fat plus sign. *sigh*

Mommy misses you baby Johnny.

God's finger touched him and he slept

2010-01-15T00:22:00.000-08:00

I can hardly believe ten months has passed by since I last held my angel. It seems like a blink of an eye and an eternity all at the same time. Its nearly 8 weeks longer than I carried my little guy in my womb of love. I just miss him so much.

I wonder if my heart will ever heal? I feel as though my heart will always have a tare that I tried to mend, but its like its sewed up incorrectly with jagged edges and thread hanging about, never to look the same again. And yet I feel like there are people on each side of me expecting me to put the pieces back exactly like they were and when I can't they become frustrated and call me weak. Yet, when an egg is cracked people don't say "oh just tape it up, it will be fine" but these same people expect me to just "tape up my heart" and expect me to be "fine"; or better yet they say "just pop a pill" but how is a pill going to mend my broken, torn heart? There is no tape, no pill, or any specific time that will mend this tare in my heart, even though many say "10 months is too long to grieve". Walk 10 minutes in my shoes and see if you still feel the same.

I have decided to March for my son in the March for Dimes walk. You can view my personal page here http://www.marchforbabies.org/johnnygiovanni Special thanks to those of you that have already donated to my walk. You are very special people. God bless.

Please all of you out there that still have your little ones, give them all an extra hug tonight in memory of baby Johnny.

Faith is the force of life

2010-01-12T20:49:00.001-08:00

Its been almost 10 months since my world fell apart. Some days I can hardly believe its been so long, but most of all I'm surprised I've pushed on this long. Most days I feel like I'm dying on the inside at best and I feel it getting worse everyday. I literally feel like I'm going crazy. Most days I miss him so much my body literally hurts, just aches for him. I feel unbalanced, unstable, and completely out of control; which I hate. Over the past few months it seems to be getting harder instead of easier. Harder to get out of bed, harder to do my daily household chores, harder to think, harder to do well....anything; harder to just live.

I don't know how much more I can take. God, You have said that You will not give anyone more than they can handle, and I think I am at my brink, please pull me up?

Death, the destroyer of worlds

2009-12-30T17:44:00.000-08:00

Its been so difficult to write. I've been hiding inside myself trying to convince myself that I will get better, that I am better, that I am moving on, but those are just lies that I continue to tell myself. The truth is my heart hurts just as much today as it did on March 14th. I truly want to feel better, but I don't know the first step to pull myself out of this deep dark place I'm in.

Christmas without my son was.....depressing. I kept a happy face for Annissa and AJ and I know they had a blast, but as I played Santa and put all the presents under the tree I couldn't help but notice the ones there were missing. The ones that would have been for Baby Johnny. It just broke my heart and I lost myself.....and feel as though I have been lost since then. I sent baby Johnny a green balloon up to Heaven on Christmas Eve.

I filled baby Johnny's stocking with lots of baby items and donated it to a woman less fortunate than I with a baby around 9 months old. I thought this would bring me some kind of happiness since I was doing it in my sons honor but instead it just made me more sad.....and brought me into a deeper state of depression.

Now with the New Year just around the corner I am hoping that some of this will subside....but in the back of my mind I know it will not. Still I am glad to say goodbye to 2009 with hopes that 2010 will bring me good luck and hopefully some smiles.

I miss you my little angel, are you still watching over me?

In these times you have to be an optimist to open your eyes when you awake in the morning.

2009-11-27T20:51:00.000-08:00

The days approaching Thanksgiving were harder than I imagined they would be. Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday it just took everything I had to get out of bed. Thanksgiving I tried to keep myself preoccupied as to keep my mind off the absolute brokenness of my heart. I guess I did a pretty good job. I didn't cry. I didn't have any breakdowns. And I think a big part of that was doing things my way, the way I knew that I needed to do them, to keep myself sane. Because of this most of my family thinks I'm crazy, depressed, and God knows what else. But I know that I am more level headed now that I have ever been in my life. Even though my insides are shattering into a thousand pieces I have once again found my mask to hide it. And anyone that has ever lost a child knows how hard it is to save face, but I did. I made the holiday great for my children, and for me its all about them. Even though I "segregated" myself (as my family would call it) and made my own dinner at my home and celebrated this holiday with just a few people, it helped. I was able to stay in the kitchen for the majority of the day and not think about the what if's and should have's. But now.......

Now that the madness is over and the house is quiet, now I think of everything that could have, should have been. I bet my son would have loved tamales...at least the masa. I'm sure he would have been right under my feet as I cooked, crawling around everywhere and making us all smile, walking along the furniture perhaps. I'm sure he would have looked down right darling in his "Baby's First Thanksgiving" outfit....and I'm sure it would have been filthy by the time dinner was done. I'm sure he would have had a blast playing with his sister and brother outside. Maybe today he would have taken his first step, it would have been a little early, but maybe. I would have taken a ton of pictures....and instead of making a book remembering my son, I would be making a baby book bragging about my son. Happy Thanksgiving my little angel Johnny. Did you watch over us yesterday? We miss you son, today, tomorrow, and forever.

( The picture Annissa made for baby Johnny it says "Made with love this holiday. I love you." Oh, and thats a turkey lol)

I have never felt so alone yet so surrounded by people all at the same time. My family all thinks I am crazy because of my actions and because I can't just "get over" my son and "let it go" or their favorite "everything happens for a reason" bullshit. Yet when I talk to other mothers that have lost children they are all feeling the same way I am their actions coincide with mine and I feel whole again, like someone out there understands. Its like the entire world is divided by those who have lost children and those who have not and we are to never cross the invisible barriers set between us because neither side understands the other. I have noticed that those that have never lost a child automatically become specialist and counselors in the subject after someone they know loses a child. They all of a sudden know exactly how we should mourn, for how long, how we should act, what we need, and when its time to "move on". I am flabbergasted at the ignorance people posses when it comes to the different types of grief, the stages of that grief, and how to help those (instead of pushing them away) around you that are grieving. I....fuck this mask. I'm tired. I'm tired of all the bullshit and the nonsense that I get from people who are supposed to be there for me, who are supposed to support me. Instead these people that call themselves my family only talk shit and attempt to belittle me and my loss. To hell with all of you people. This is the reason I didn't celebrate Thanksgiving nor will celebrate Christmas with my family. Everyone thinks they know what is best for me and when I don't agree with their forced opinions they criticize me. When all I need is support they push me down even farther. Oh yes it was all "We are here for you" "Call us whenever you need us" "We will help you" for the first few months...but now....now that its been 8 months...now its time for me to "move on" and "get over it" and do all this for "the sake of my other children" because my other children "don't deserve to have a sad mother". Wow. My children feel the loss of their brother more than anyone else in my family. They are not scared to talk about baby Johnny nor afraid to tell me they miss him. I know that my children will never forget their brother.....and they mourn him just as much as I do, not because I force them but because they TRULY miss their little brother. I take care of my children, raise them right, teach them and correct them when needed. I don't let my children run me like some others do. I feel that I am a good mother and I do what is necessary for ALL three of my children. My sisters like to point fingers and talk crap when in reality EVERYONE needs to sweep in front of their OWN doorsteps before accusing me. I have never talked shit about someone's dead child but my sister has. Does that make you feel big to talk about a dead baby? You are sick, maybe its YOU that needs medication. Fuck everyone that doesn't understand. FUCK YOU ALL. I am better off grieving my son with my children, at least then I know I'm in the presence of innocence and true love. Love for each other, love for our lost angel, and love for whatever life holds.

I will never let anyone forget that my son lived. EVER. I don't care who understands and accepts it, but I will never stop talking about, stop remembering, or stop celebrating the little life that he had. I love you baby Johnny, I love you.

Now, where the hell did I put that mask.......

Every moment is an experience

2009-11-12T19:39:00.000-08:00

I just can't believe the holidays are upon us.....

I sadly spent Halloween without pushing around a stroller. Now Thanksgiving is only a couple of weeks away....a time that I should have been introducing tons of new foods to my little guy.....instead I only get to think and wish for these things. Christmas I believe will be the toughest of all. I believe by Christmas he would have been close to walking. Oh the toys he would have gotten....I miss you son.

As I walk down this road of grief I have realized a few things. For one, I feel on most days that I'm getting better, then out of the blue comes a huge cloud of grief just to knock me back down. I know now I will never truly get over the loss of my son....and I will still have bad days 20 years from now. Another thing is, there will always be people that just don't 'get it' and never will. These people will never understand what its like to live everyday knowing that your child is dead. I will always be alone in my grief......that and that alone.....is the hardest hurdle for me to overcome.

With baby Johnny's 8th month angelversary in just two days, its getting harder to sleep, to think, to ......well.....live.

I hate this life without him.

A man is not old until regrets take the place of dreams

2009-10-16T14:14:00.000-07:00

What an intense two days.

October 14th was 7 months since I last said good-bye to my little man. SEVEN MONTHS!! Where did that time go? How I was even able to push on through those 7 months I will never know. It feels like I'm watching a movie about my life, like its not really mine. Maybe that's my way of dealing with the grief. To somehow in my head make myself believe that I really didn't lose my son, that was someone else. That poor sad woman on the screen, not me. That kind of stuff happens to other people and when you hear about it you say, "Oh that's so sad, I'm so sorry." but it doesn't happen to you. Now I sound like a crazy person. Maybe I am. What kind of sane person could really go on living after their child dies?

October 15th was Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. On this day everyone in the world is supposed to lite a candle at 7PM and let it burn for an hour, resulting in a wave of light. I lite a candle of hearts for my little guy as well as all the angel babies in the world.

I miss you baby Johnny.

I feel like my life is so offtrack. Like I'm supposed to be doing something else, somewhere else. Its hard to explain. I just feel like something is very off. Maybe its because my son isn't here and the holidays are rapidly approaching. Like a train running rampant off its tracks ready to collide with an impalpable train. I wish I could go back nine years and do it all over again. Oh the choices I would make differently.

For now, I just sit here and wait....until I meet my son again.

When anger rises, think of the consequences

2009-10-10T04:57:00.000-07:00

Family, what a joke.

I have a huge family. I am the youngest of seven kids....and one would think with such a large family you would feel immense love and support, yet in mine its quite the opposite. I have never felt such disdain from anyone in my life that I feel from my sisters from time to time. One of my sisters actually said that I was such a bad person God felt He needed to take my son away from me and that I am so horrible that is why He chooses not to give me another baby. Words like that cut to the core. Saddest part is she couldn't even say these things to me, she decided to spread them around to the other family members until they trickled down to me. This is the same person that said I am crazy and need medication because I am sad my son died....and I continue to be sad. I know I am far from perfect and I would never claim to be but I would never wish the loss of a child onto ANYONE. How any one person can be so judgmental is beyond my comprehension. Most times I feel alone at best, no one in my family truly knows, nor understands, what it is like every morning to wake up and realize that this is just another day that you have to live without a one of your children. None of them know what it is like to walk by the baby clothes in a store and feel like you just can't take one more breath, that is just too painful to take one more step. No one knows how I long to hold MY son in my arms just one more time and at the same time know that those are wishes that can never be fulfilled because my son is nothing more than ashes. No one knows the sadness, devastation, defeat, and hopelessness I feel every month looking at yet another negative pregnancy test. To say my son was not meant to be is like killing him all over again, and to say that me not becoming pregnant is God's will is like killing my child that hasn't been given a chance yet. And my family wonders why I contain myself into my home. Because I choose not to let the outside world hurt me.

Saddest part is, its my family that does the most hurt. As I sit here all alone I realize I am just where I need to be. Alone and safe.

I'm sure most of this isn't making much sense. I haven't slept much in the past two weeks and even more so in the past 48 hours. I just had so much hurt inside, I felt like if I didn't at least let some out, I would explode.

No matter what anyone says son, I love you more today than I did yesterday, but not as much as I will love you tomorrow. I will never "get over" your death, medication will never bring you back, and I will NEVER EVER forget YOU.

Change alone is eternal, perpetual, immortal

2009-09-24T22:33:00.000-07:00

I hate the unexpected. I expect certain situations to be difficult, I expect certain people to ask stupid questions, I expect some things to make me cry...but its the UNEXPECTED that always throws me off my game.

Annissa started up girl scouts again and last night was her first meeting back. This is her second year. The last time I felt baby Johnny move I was sitting in Annissa's girl scout meeting....and while I was in the hospital having baby Johnny, Annissa was on her first camping trip. It was so hard for me to take her back to girl scouts after baby Johnny died (I still hate that word btw), but I did about a month later. She only had about five meetings and then they let out for summer. However when I did go back, everyone already knew about my son so I didn't have to say anything to anyone and it was such a huge relief. At least I thought everyone knew....until last night. I took Annissa to her meeting and went in oblivious to the fact that everyone did NOT know about my son. Within the first two minutes one of the leaders asked, "So how is the baby doing?" with a huge smile on her face. My body went numb....I had that sinking feeling...and all I could think was "Oh God please not here! Please oh please oh please....I don't want to cry here!" I looked at Big Johnny and watched him say "Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhh shhhhhhiiiiiitttttt".....like he was talking in slow motion. I fought back the tears and held my head high and said "My baby died." The woman stammered and her face turned white. Then I felt bad for shocking her. Why do I feel bad for making people feel bad when they ask about my son? I wish I could have prepared myself at least then I would have been expecting that question. I so hate the unexpected. The rest of the meeting went well and Annissa has some pretty exciting things coming up. This Tuesday they are having a picnic for their teddy bears. While leaving scouts Annissa asked if she could take baby Johnny to her picnic since he is in a teddy bear. How I wish baby Johnny could really go to Annissa's girl scout picnic.

I can't seem to shake this thought of having a tubal ligation performed. I even looked into our insurance and sure enough, a tubal ligation is covered, fully, 100%. Maybe that's a sign.

I love that the weather is cooling down and I finally feel like fall is on its way. I wish we had trees with leaves that turned colors. I love colored fall leaves, I love watching them fall from the trees. Fall is such a magical time of year, its like everything around you changes. I can't help but think that change is in the air.

It is not a fragrant world

2009-09-21T16:42:00.000-07:00

I have been going back and forth since the beginning of the month. I want another child so badly but the pain of a negative pregnancy test every month is almost too much for me to bear. I have already decided to stop trying, stop the planning, and the temp taking, etc, but there is always going to be that hope. That faith, that desire, that dream of becoming pregnant every month; and in turn there will still be heartbreak, devastation, and sorrow of a big fat NEGATIVE result. Because of that I am contemplating a tubal ligation. I know this is a big step, but I just don't know if I can take anymore let downs. I feel like my body is just one big let down one after another. Is it selfish? Probably. Big Johnny says he will support me either way and won't really give me a straight opinion, he only says its my decision. I know it is, but its a big decision to make. A hard decision to make. In some ways I know I'm still young but in others I feel old. I'm 28...and in just a few short years the probability of becoming pregnant will become slimmer and slimmer and the prospect of something going terribly wrong if I do become pregnant increase incredibly.

Sigh.

I shouldn't have to be trying so hard to have a baby right now. I should be worrying about what costume my baby will wear on his first Halloween. Very few people know that Halloween is my most favorite (yes I really said most favorite) holiday of all time. I love Halloween, always have. And now....as I walk down the aisles of costumes I come across a bunch of cutesy costumes that I would have "oooed" and "awwwwed" over had my son been here. But instead I just stroll by them, holding back my tears as not to lose it in Walmart. I would have loved to pick out his costume. I think a blue M&M would have fit him perfectly. I'm starting to hate holidays, which is no way near fair for Annissa and AJ. I just don't think this holiday season will be as happy as last. I hope, for Annissa and AJ's sake, that I can fake the funk, put on a happy face, and give them a great Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Years, but I don't feel like celebrating.

Is this the beginning of the end?

Lost time is never found again

2009-09-14T19:03:00.000-07:00

Six months ago today I held an angel in my arms. I named that angel, that was only given to me for a few moments in time, Johnny Giovanni. I miss you son.

On the 14th of every month I write in this blog to my son but its hard to put the exact emotions that I was feeling hours prior down on paper so this month I decided to write down my day, my emotions, and my thoughts as they were happening in a journal that I keep. I was quite surprised at some of the things I wrote.

12:08AM Big Johnny and I are at it again, fighting. Its like our constant. The only real constant that I guess we have. Anyway this time its over Baby Johnny's shelf. I bought and painted Baby Johnny a self to hang all of his things; well some of his things. I have been asking Big Johnny to hang this shelf for days now and he never has, tonight I asked again if he could hang it. With a sigh and an eye roll he gets up to hang it, calling it, "my thing". Yes it seems like everything that has to do with our son is "my thing". I'm just so tired of fighting, and I don't think a day like today is for fighting anyway.

12:16AM My son's urn sits on the coffee table dressed in jammies, my shades, and a bracelet (made by another angel mommy...thank you Jamie) that has his name on it. I sit on the computer chair and watch Big Johnny measure to put up the shelf.

12:21AM The shelf is up.

12:30AM I work on hanging the pics around the shelf, put some of baby Johnny's things on the shelf, and take pics. Big Johnny plays his computer game.

12:50AM Everything is hung and put up. I take some pics. Big Johnny continues to play his computer game.

Thank you to all my angel mommy friends that have made something for my son. I've been lagging it on sending out my crafts but trust me they are done. I'm so sorry I haven't gotten them out yet.

12:56AM I light Baby Johnny's candle and say a prayer.

1:05AM I feel him here, I think baby Johnny heard my prayer and is here with me. I try to pen myself up more so I can feel him. I feel sleepy but I know I won't be able to sleep. My heart aches for my son and for a happier time. I reminisce about when Annissa was a baby. Big Johnny continues with his computer game.

1:25AM Watching a documentary called "The girl that cries blood" on the National Geographic Channel. The little girls name is Twinkle. What a pretty name.

6:12AM I finally fall asleep but I am restless. I wake up almost every hour.

12:39PM I finally decide that trying to sleep is futile. I get up and look at Baby Johnny's blog but am unable to write. I go into my bedroom and try to find an outfit that says, "My baby died six months ago and most people think I should be over it by now but I'm not". That outfit doesn't exist, so I choose a blouse and a pair of jeans.

1:30PM I wake up Big Johnny to tell him that we have to leave soon to pick up Annissa and AJ from school. He is grouchy. I don't even want him to go with me. I'd rather just go alone.

2:35PM We pick up the kids at school and saw a baby boy that looked about 6 months old or so. I fought back tears. The mom was yelling at her preschooler because the little girl peed her pants. Doesn't this woman realize that kids have accidents? I feel guilty for yelling at AJ when he has night time accidents.

3PM Arrived home with kids, helped them with their homework. AJ practiced letters P & N. Annissa did math word problems and practiced her spelling.

3:40PM Annissa and I read a book called Mary and the Monster Make Over, its super cute.

5:05PM We head to Party City to buy balloons. I buy 6, one for each month he has been gone.

6:28PM Let balloons go. Cant describe emotions right now. I can't believe how fast time goes by especially when you are counting the days, hours, and minutes since your child flew away to heaven. I see all these people with babies and I can't help but to feel jealous. Why? What was so wrong with me that I dont get my baby? Maybe its what is wrong with my life, not with me. I'm not sure.

6:29PM We watch the balloons go up.....up....up....into the sky until we can no longer see them.

The kids watch as their balloons float to heaven.

6:35PM The kids play on the playground. Annissa pushes her brother on the swing. At least this time she had someone to push....

I bet Baby Johnny would have loved the park.

All About AF....

2009-09-11T17:22:00.000-07:00

Aunt Flo is a bitch! I hate her!!! She comes and wipes out whatever could have been. Its like waking up to someone poking you in the face saying "ha-ha not this month!". I'm done trying, at least for now. No more charting or counting, no more taking temps...no more. Not for awhile. If its meant to be...it will be. If not...well then...it won't. After all this I feel like I should have taken up stock in EPT after all the pregnancy tests I bought! For what? For big fat negatives and for Aunt Flo to show up for the 5th time.

To hell with all of it.

Then and Now

2009-09-08T20:19:00.001-07:00

A year ago today.......

A year ago today the test said pregnant.

A year ago today I started on this incredible journey.

A year ago today I bought a Clear Blue Easy Pregnancy test at CVS before work.

A year ago today I pulled that test out of the brown bag in the bathroom at work.

A year ago today I watched anxiously as the tests hourglass went round and round.

A year ago today that same test said pregnant.

A year ago today a smile came across my lips.

Today...

Today the pregnancy test said negative.

Today I am living a nightmare.

Today I bought another Clear Blue Easy Pregnancy Test.

Today I brought it home and stood in my bathroom reading the instructions as if they had changed.

Today I watched anxiously as the hourglass went round and round.

Today the test said negative.

Today I miss my son more than ever.

I wish today was over.

You can kill a man but you can't kill a memory

2009-09-08T00:23:00.000-07:00

I think back to that moment that I had to give my son back to the nurses for the last time. How in the hell did I make that decision? I know I alone decided it was time. But how did I have the strength and courage to do so? Maybe it was the morphine? Maybe it was the lack of sleep? Maybe it was my son's gift to me? I don't know, either way at that exact moment it just didn't seem that hard. It wasn't until the nurse wheeled my son out and that hospital room door slammed shut that I had realized what I had done. That was it. That was the last time I was going to get to hold my son, my third born child, my baby, my Johnny. Thirty one weeks ended in only a moment.

Every so often I get these flashbacks from the hospital and delivery of my son. Like old battle scars coming back to haunt me. I have read about many women being suffering from PTSD after delivering their stillborn child, maybe its something like that. I don't know. It is truly scary how it just comes and goes though. I wish it would stop but I never want to forget.

Next Monday will be 6 months since I had my son. SIX months! How? Where did the time go? I wonder if he would be crawling by now? Pulling down my pictures and messing with his brothers and sisters toys? I bet my little Annissa would have tried to play Mommy to baby Johnny and I'm sure little AJ would have been Mommy's big helper.

There was no rainbow again this month, maybe its a sign? But for what?

I'm so tired, I haven't slept right in about a week. I can't sleep. Every time I close my eyes I see horrible visions. I don't like my dreams, I wish my mind would shut off sometimes.

Your life is what your thoughts make it

2009-09-06T20:46:00.001-07:00

Have you ever sat and thought about the decisions that you have made in your life and how they impacted you and others? Then wonder what things would have been like if you took the road less taken? I have been wondering that a lot lately.

For instance, had I never met my ex-husband (whom I only met by chance) then I would not have Annissa and AJ. I might have had children but they wouldn't be the children that I have. Does that make sense? If I had never met my ex-husband I wouldn't have gotten divorced at the exact time in my life that I did and because of that I probably would have never met Big Johnny. In turn I would have never had baby Johnny. Would I have never had a child that died? I love my son, but what if I could have some way avoided the pain of losing a child just by making the correct decision in life? Maybe because I didn't take the road not taken this life is a punishment or maybe it just had more hurdles.

I'm probably not making any sense and just rambling on....I am going on a week with very very little sleep...and even less last night, but in my head all of this makes sense.

I guess I'm just wondering if I can change things by only one, simple decision?

You can't cheat death...

2009-09-02T16:14:00.000-07:00

I truly just do not understand. I have so many "Why's" for GOD.

Another little life has been taken, another baby dead. Dead. Dead. I hate that word. I wish I could erase it from the dictionary permanently. How could three of her babies die?? How? Why? Why do babies die EVERYDAY??? Why God do you continue to take our children? Are any of them safe? At what point, if any, can we as mothers, baby loss mothers and others alike, breath a sigh of relief and know that our children are safe?? Are they ever?

What about our parents, our siblings, cousins, aunts, uncles, grandparents etc? None of them are safe either....nor our spouses or ourselves. Life is never a given, its a privilege, a privilege that can be revoked at any minute of any day for any or no reason at all. That in itself is scary.

Why is there so much pain in the world? Why must so many people suffer? Why do some children go to bed with no food in their tummies? Why do some parents abuse and molest their own children? Why does GOD allow this to happen? Where is GOD in all of this?

Every time I hear of another baby hurt...another child dead....another child abused...I lose my faith just a little more.

RIP Little Jet, I hope you are playing with your big brother and sister in heaven. To read about Jet and his Mommy and Daddy you can visit their blog at http://freyja-kees-lovedsomuch.blogspot.com/

Memory is the mother of all wisdom

2009-09-01T00:44:00.001-07:00

Thinking is never a good thing. Not for me anyway. When I start to think my mind wanders and then I come to realizations. Realizations that I never would have had I just kept my mind busy with something and didn't allow myself to just sit and think.

I realized today that if/when I do get pregnant again that I will have to first find another OBGYN and then I will have to go and see him/her. I will have to sit in the waiting room chalked full of naive, happy, smiling soon to be mothers....and what...pretend that I'm not scared to death? Pretend that everything is hunky dory....pretend that I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I will be bringing home a healthy, crying baby? Here I am thinking about how horrible my OBGYN appt's are going to be and I'm not even pregnant again. What in the world is wrong with me?

My 13 year old niece made baby Johnny a scrapbook this weekend. How thoughtful and touching that this young girl could understand how much pain I was feeling and did something so selfless to memorialize my son. I was so touched.

The cover of her scrapbook

We spent Sunday at a BBQ at my sisters house. The kids spent time with their grandma and I got a couple of cute shots.

I wish baby Johnny could have spent time with my mom as Annissa and AJ did. I miss him more with every breath I take.

It is not length of life, but depth of life

2009-08-28T17:24:00.000-07:00

I noticed today that I really only write in my blog when I am really feeling down or really missing my son...and that my posts are coming fewer and farther between. Could that really mean that I am somewhat, in some small way, healing? I guess I don't or can't see it because all I feel is grief. It seems like all I feel is grief 24/7.

It seems like everyone around, including my angel mommy friends, are either pregnant or have had success in bringing home a healthily little baby. I feel like there is a new club started within our club of grief and I don't belong and maybe never will. Why hasn't God blessed us with our rainbow baby? God what have I done that was so wrong that I don't deserve another baby? I feel so condemned and lost. I feel more alone that ever before. I truly wish I knew the answers to my questions, maybe then I could feel some sort of peace.

Big Johnny has been trying so hard lately at our relationship, but try as he might, everything continues to push us away from each other. Its almost like there is this big cosmic plan to keep us apart. Maybe that's what God intends or maybe its just what I crave subconsciously. Either way it seems to be happening.

The should've/would've/could've's have been weighing heavy on my heart lately.

I should've brought home a healthy baby.

When I found out baby Johnny was gone, I should've gone home to think before making any decisions.

I should've gone to the hospital sooner.

I should've known.

I should've protected my son.

I would've been a good Mom to him.

I would've done everything right.

I would've spoiled him rotten.

Maybe I could've prevented my baby from dying.

I hate getting mail for Lynda and John. Its supposed to be Lynda and John, plus one. I want my plus one.