Sunday, March 30, 2014

The REAL Story

I haven't ever shared the REAL story of my little Johnny's loss, but I guess here is as good a place as any to share. This is the story in a nutshell. There is a lot of missing detail but honestly some of the details just hurt too much to share right now. I'm sure one day I'll be able to, just not right now.

I met big Johnny in the summer of 2007. The first time he hit me was December of 2007...well, not really hit me, he choked me. Same thing in my eyes. Anyway, I was shocked and stunned. This man who told me he loved me was....violent. I didn't understand. I started making excuses for his violence; it was because of something I said, something I did, I'll try to change myself. Then I got in the mindset of I'll try to change him. In April of 2008 Big Johnny and I moved in together. The violence continued. I continued to try to change him, self blame, you name it, I'm sure I used it as an excuse or justification of why it was happening/was OK to happen. On September 6, 2008 I found out I was pregnant. That morning Big Johnny choked me again, because I 'hid' his keys. I almost passed out. A few hours later, at work, I took a pregnancy test in which I discovered our pregnancy. I had an inclination before (obviously thats why I bought the test). I texted Big Johnny a picture of the test....his reply was "wow". He felt bad for a little while for being violent while I was pregnant (only because I was pregnant) but soon that feeling diminished and his violence began again. As a birthday present for Big Johnny, on January 28, 2009, I paid for and had a 3D ultrasound done. We found out that day our baby was a boy. The beginning of March I found out Big Johnny had been cheating on me for.... months. I had a severe panic attack and started contracting. When I went to the ER they calmed me down and told me baby was fine. Big Johnny promised he wouldn't cheat again but the violence got worse. He poured an entire bottle of water in my face as I was laying on my back. He bent my fingers back so far they almost broke. I constantly had bruises all over my body and the neighbors could hear me screaming. No one ever helped me. I felt incredibly alone although I never told anyone of how he really was behind closed doors. Everyone thought he was just the nicest guy ever. They really had no idea. On March 11, 2009, Big Johnny and I had a huge fight in which he pushed me up against the wall. My back hurt so badly but I was afraid to go to the ER. After that things just didn't "feel right" in my pregnancy. I felt sick and heavy. After three days of feeling this way I finally went to the ER. The nurses tried the dopplers and found no heart beat. They sent in an ultrasound tech who also couldn't find the heartbeat. My OB finally came in and confirmed that my baby was gone. My son was indeed DEAD. I had a c-section just a couple of hours later and on March 14, 2009 at 6:28PM my baby Johnny Giovanni was born into the arms of the Lord. I miss him with every fiber of my being. There is not a doubt in my mind that baby Johnny's demise was Big Johnny's doing. I know it in my heart. This picture is of my baby Johnny and the other is me holding baby Johnny's urn which is a teddy bear.


  1. This breaks my heart! I'm so sorry & so GLAD you got away from him! Honey, I care for you & pray for you that you will continue to grow in yourself and always remember that you are TOO GOOD for someone to mistreat you. I read your other posts too & I'm sorry your baby needs positive male attention & his Dad has acted the way he has & can't be the one to do that. Please keep your chin up, Lynda. I know sometimes it's hard, but you began to win the battle when you moved out with the kids. xoxo

  2. Hi Lynda! I was just wondering if you could answer a question about your blog! My name is Heather and if you could email me at Lifesabanquet1(at)gmail(dot)com I would greatly appreciate it!

  3. it has been so long since I have read your blog! I am so shocked and saddened by this! I am so glad to know you got away from it. I still pray for you and know that you will raise your baby someday