Saturday, September 14, 2013
The truth is when I was small I heard my parents fight all the time but pretended I didn't. The truth is when my dad finally left he took a piece if me with him and left me feeling vulnerable and insecure. The truth is the vulnerabilty and insecurity has followed me around ever since. The truth is I missed my dad like crazy when he left us but I pretended it didn't bother me. The truth is I vowed to myself even as a child that I would never bring my kids up in a broken household. The truth is I spent my whole life trying to fill the void my dad left in every relationship I was in. The truth is I never wanted a 9-5 career, I just wanted to be a mom. The truth is I was never in love with my ex-husband. I was in love with the idea if being in love, getting married, and having a family. The truth is I married way too young and was very unhappy. The truth is no man was going to full that void my dad left but I continued to look anyway. The truth is I was never truly in love until I met big Johnny. The truth is I stayed with him even though he abused me because I didn't want to let go of that feeling I had for him. The truth is I think the constant abuse from big Johnny is what killed our baby Johnny. The truth is I felt I had to get pregnant by big Johnny again because he was the only one that could give me another baby Johnny. The truth is I was over the moon happy when I found out Anaiese was a girl because I thought that meant she wouldn't die. The truth is Abel was a happy accident but I sometimes think he's baby Johnny reincarnated. The truth is I'm scared to death this new baby I'm pregnant with is going to die. The truth is I think big Johnny wants this baby to die. The truth is I've never been pregnant and alone and it terrifies me. The truth is no one has ever scarred me like big Johnny. The truth is I don't think I'm strong enough to handle the hand I've been dealt. The truth is I'm hanging onto my faith by a thread. The truth is I'm not sure I can do this. The truth is I'm broken. What you the reader does with my truth, well that's your decision, but I needed to let it out. I wish I could scream it from the rooftop. Even if I did no one would listen, and that's the truth.
at 9:46 PM