Friday, April 15, 2011

The Burdens That We Carry

Yesterday was the 14th. Even after 25 months I still hate and dread this date every month (will that ever go away? - I'm starting to think not) I looked through his little box on the 13th and as I did I felt like my heart was going to explode from my chest. I know it was anxiety, but I couldn't stop looking. Then I compared his little foot prints to Annies and that was about all I could bear when I seen that they looked almost identical. I frantically put everything away just as Big Johnny was walking in from work. I don't like to let him see me cry anymore so I hurriedly wiped away the tears as if everything was fine and dandy.

Why do I force myself to be strong around others? I don't know if its because I think they think its time for me to move, because of comments I've heard from people in the past, or....who knows? But I feel I must be strong and if that means hiding behind my emotions - so be it. I think a lot of it steams from the drama his second birthday/angelversary celebration steamed from. I had decided to throw my little Johnny a birthday party long before his second birthday arrived, but unlike last year, I had just wanted this year to be me, Big Johnny, and the kids. Big Johnny said we should invite my family. For some reason I knew it was going to bring forth drama.....and it did. I had a sister who refused to bring her children to the celebration because she said it would "physiologically damaging" to them, yet she had brought them to previous functions for baby Johnny. This hurt deeply, it cut me so deep I don't think that wound will ever heal. My mother didn't attend either because she doesn't like my sisters boyfriend and I had it at my sisters house. My OWN mother! Slice two - another wound that will never heal. But I had a little party for him nonetheless and two of my sisters came with their families and it was nice. But those wounds still hurt. Two weeks later I had a birthday party for my little Annissa who turned nine this year. My mother didn't attend again. Didn't even call my daughter to say happy birthday. Its ok though I made sure she had a nice birthday. Just makes me sad that a grandmother/mother refuses to be there for certain children and grandchildren. But this makes me stronger as well. I KNOW that I will NEVER be like this to my children or grandchildren and it makes me cherish my children that much more.

Hence my need to be strong - for myself and for my children. Ah well we each carry our own burdens I guess.

Monday, April 11, 2011

Afraid

The anxiety of having my rainbow baby here and alive I think is worse than when I was pregnant; waiting and hoping she'd be born alive. Now I watch her breathe and hope and pray I never see her take her last breath. Night time sleeping evades me. I'm afraid the moment I fall asleep something will happen to her. The only way I can sleep if she is right next to me and sometimes even then I wonder what happens when I close my eyes.

When will this fear go away?