Wednesday, February 23, 2011

Mixed Emotions


I can't hardly believe my little Annie is almost a month old! This baby that I have dreamed, hoped, prayed, and pleaded to have is here and is healthy!! We received her chromosome testing on Monday that confirmed Annie does NOT have Trisomy 21 (AKA Down Syndrome) further chromosome testing will need to be ordered by her pediatrician.

While all this comes as great news, and believe me I'm over the moon happy for my princess, I can't help but think about our missing piece of the puzzle, our son. I'm sure a lot of it has to do with his second Angelversary rapidly approaching. I know much of it falls on my shoulders everyday as I look at Annie and watch her nurse and cry and do these beautiful little silly faces and wonder, would baby Johnny have done these same things? What kind of personality would he have had? As I look into Annie's beautiful blue eyes I find myself wondering what color eyes did my little man have? I know I must sound self fish, especially to all my angel mommies who have not yet (or who will never be) blessed with a Rainbow baby, and for that I'm sorry. I don't think there is ever a day where I will feel complete, even with my rainbow baby and all the love I have for her, she will never take baby Johnny's place. Ever. And I think in the back of mind I thought once she was here, it would be a little easier to swallow, but its not. Perhaps in time it will be, but for now that seems like a distant doubtful dream. I think I will forever and ever watch my Annie grow up and wonder....what if?

A little update on Annie - she is now taking a bottle (of mommy milk of course) and has no nipple confusion! Yay! She has already rolled from her tummy to her back and even though she is so small she has already outgrown one of her newborn outfits - that she of course never got a chance to wear! She is on a marathon nurse this week, eating every hour yesterday and today every two hours, which is very painful, but totally worth it. She loves her swing and boppy. :) I love my little Anaiese Sunshine Rose

Now for some updated pics!

Tuesday, February 8, 2011

She's Here!!

Anaiese Sunshine Rose blessed us with her presence on January 28, 2011 at 8:41PM. She weighed 6lbs 7oz and was 17.5 inches long. She is perfect and beautiful. She had some issues in the beginning with her breathing, She had started grunting and this worried the peds so she was sent to something called a "transition nursery" which is a step up from NICU, but wasn't well enough to room in with me quite yet. She was able to come to recovery with me, which is where I first nursed her. We spent the first hour of her life together before they whisked her away from me for 4 hours. I could not hold or see my baby during the 4 hours of my "recovery" time where I was stuck in a bed monitoring my blood pressure and heart rate. It was the hardest part of her birth to be separated from her. Although big Johnny was allowed to go stay with her, it wasn't me, I couldn't see what they were doing to my baby and it drove me crazy just not knowing. Anaiese spent the first night of her life in this nursery. Finally after the four hours I was able to go see her, hold her, and nurse her again. She spent another four hours in the nursery before she was released to my room. I was overjoyed to have my baby. We spent two days in the hospital which is pretty much unheard of with a c-section but I think my dr knew I was done and just wanted to be home with my baby. We were released Sunday January 30th around 7PM.

Big Johnny was lucky enough to get a week off work to spend with me and Anaiese but this past Monday, he had to go back to work and its been just me on the clock since then. Its nice in a way to spend time with my baby alone but oh I'm so so tired!!! We are co-sleeping (bed sharing) which was my goal to begin with but I'd like to have her sleeping in the bassinet next to our bed but that hasn't happened as of yet.

She is a good nurser, but seems to sit at the boob and "play" with it when I know she is obviously hungry. When I then remove her from the breast she cries and cries and finally when I put her back she will then eat. I don't know why she does this or what to do to help her take the breast at the first latch. She doesn't always do this but I'd say about half the time. Anyone else out there in blog land experience this before?

I love having my baby girl here but I can't help but wonder what it would have been like to have my son here as well. Everyday I look at the things Anaiese does and wonder how Johnny would have been at day one, two, three, etc. What would his personality have been like? I feel selfish thinking these things when I have a live baby right here and there are so many angel mommas still waiting for their rainbows, but Annie (her nickname) will never replace Johnny and I know I will always still wonder, what if?

Well my blog followers, I leave you with some pictures of our beautiful Annie. Enjoy!