Yesterday was the 14th. Even after 25 months I still hate and dread this date every month (will that ever go away? - I'm starting to think not) I looked through his little box on the 13th and as I did I felt like my heart was going to explode from my chest. I know it was anxiety, but I couldn't stop looking. Then I compared his little foot prints to Annies and that was about all I could bear when I seen that they looked almost identical. I frantically put everything away just as Big Johnny was walking in from work. I don't like to let him see me cry anymore so I hurriedly wiped away the tears as if everything was fine and dandy.
Why do I force myself to be strong around others? I don't know if its because I think they think its time for me to move, because of comments I've heard from people in the past, or....who knows? But I feel I must be strong and if that means hiding behind my emotions - so be it. I think a lot of it steams from the drama his second birthday/angelversary celebration steamed from. I had decided to throw my little Johnny a birthday party long before his second birthday arrived, but unlike last year, I had just wanted this year to be me, Big Johnny, and the kids. Big Johnny said we should invite my family. For some reason I knew it was going to bring forth drama.....and it did. I had a sister who refused to bring her children to the celebration because she said it would "physiologically damaging" to them, yet she had brought them to previous functions for baby Johnny. This hurt deeply, it cut me so deep I don't think that wound will ever heal. My mother didn't attend either because she doesn't like my sisters boyfriend and I had it at my sisters house. My OWN mother! Slice two - another wound that will never heal. But I had a little party for him nonetheless and two of my sisters came with their families and it was nice. But those wounds still hurt. Two weeks later I had a birthday party for my little Annissa who turned nine this year. My mother didn't attend again. Didn't even call my daughter to say happy birthday. Its ok though I made sure she had a nice birthday. Just makes me sad that a grandmother/mother refuses to be there for certain children and grandchildren. But this makes me stronger as well. I KNOW that I will NEVER be like this to my children or grandchildren and it makes me cherish my children that much more.
Hence my need to be strong - for myself and for my children. Ah well we each carry our own burdens I guess.
Lynda, my heart hurts for you, that you have lost your son, and the way your own family has treated you. I can't understand your mother's & sister's actions. My parents in law mostly ignored our kids, and I do know that hurts badly. It still hurts, years later.
ReplyDeleteI hope Anissa had a good BD - please give her wishes from me. xoxo
I know that nothing i can say can heal your pain nor the emotional roller coaster that you are experiencing. I dont know what it is to lose a child but i do know what it is to lose my nieces, just like you i felt as if i couldnt breathe, i couldnt see, i felt as if the world was caving in on me. My sister left her husband, started doing things she had never done, she was only hurting herself thinking there was something she could have done to change what had happened, cried daily, blamed herself & she was hurting us, seeing her hurting. We never asked her to let go, because there is no way to really let go of what had happened.. My mother was a lot like yours, never attend anything and always put my kids last. I stopped trying to find reasoning in why she was acting the way she was and focused more on myself and the things that were important to me.. "my immediate family" It helps to have support but in reality the only real support comes from within. You have to find a way to cope with what is happening in your life and take a deep breathe. Dont hide from your husband or anyone else.. He has to know what your going through, your only hurting yourself by hiding your emotions. Let baby johnny live through your heart, missing him you may also miss out on your daughters life.. Take the love you feel for him and allow that to grow in your daughter.
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