Wednesday, February 23, 2011

Mixed Emotions

I can't hardly believe my little Annie is almost a month old! This baby that I have dreamed, hoped, prayed, and pleaded to have is here and is healthy!! We received her chromosome testing on Monday that confirmed Annie does NOT have Trisomy 21 (AKA Down Syndrome) further chromosome testing will need to be ordered by her pediatrician.

While all this comes as great news, and believe me I'm over the moon happy for my princess, I can't help but think about our missing piece of the puzzle, our son. I'm sure a lot of it has to do with his second Angelversary rapidly approaching. I know much of it falls on my shoulders everyday as I look at Annie and watch her nurse and cry and do these beautiful little silly faces and wonder, would baby Johnny have done these same things? What kind of personality would he have had? As I look into Annie's beautiful blue eyes I find myself wondering what color eyes did my little man have? I know I must sound self fish, especially to all my angel mommies who have not yet (or who will never be) blessed with a Rainbow baby, and for that I'm sorry. I don't think there is ever a day where I will feel complete, even with my rainbow baby and all the love I have for her, she will never take baby Johnny's place. Ever. And I think in the back of mind I thought once she was here, it would be a little easier to swallow, but its not. Perhaps in time it will be, but for now that seems like a distant doubtful dream. I think I will forever and ever watch my Annie grow up and wonder....what if?

A little update on Annie - she is now taking a bottle (of mommy milk of course) and has no nipple confusion! Yay! She has already rolled from her tummy to her back and even though she is so small she has already outgrown one of her newborn outfits - that she of course never got a chance to wear! She is on a marathon nurse this week, eating every hour yesterday and today every two hours, which is very painful, but totally worth it. She loves her swing and boppy. :) I love my little Anaiese Sunshine Rose

Now for some updated pics!


  1. She's beautiful. :)

    It is a hard pill to swallow, and our living children dont take that away, although I have found that, on my lowest days, they are a balm on my weathered soul. ((hugs))

  2. Lynda, I'm so happy for you & Big Johnny! Thank the Lord she doesn't have trisomy 21. You are looking good! I know you miss little Johnny & always will. He's a big part of your family and In Heaven's glory, although I know that doesn't make it easier. xoxo