In less than a month my son will have been gone for a year. Someone asked me what I am going to do for his first birthday and I didn't have an answer. What do you do for a birthday party for a baby who isn't here to celebrate it? And if I do celebrate it....am I not only celebrating his death? For all you angel mommies out there, what did you do for your angels first birthday? There is no grave I can take presents to, no headstone to decorate. Sometimes I regret cremating my son, I regret that entire hospital stay and the weeks that followed it. I regret every decision I made during his pregnancy, that is guilt I will live with for the rest of my life. There is no way to change it, now I just have to learn to deal with it; which is no easy task.
I know one thing for sure, I am no longer afraid of death. I actually embrace it, only because I know as soon as that last breath escapes my lips, I will once again be blessed with the image of my son, my Johnny Giovanni. I can't wait.