I don't even know what to write anymore. It seems like everyone around me knows how I should be feeling or acting but I sure don't. I don't even know what I feel anymore. I know there are good and bad days, but the bad seem to outweigh the good, and when its bad, its really really bad. I think if I didn't have Annissa and AJ to keep me busy I would literally sleep all day...and sometimes when I don't have them I still do; and then I feel guilty for doing so. Some days I don't even want to acknowledge the day, I want it to just pass me by and pretend that it never existed. Then on the good days I could be going along just fine and then, out of nowhere, it will hit me.
My son is dead. Not like I forgot, I could never forget, but for the moment in time I escape the grief only to be pulled back in and brought down even lower than I was. Behind this smile is anger, disbelief, and sadness that I feel I can not show anyone. So instead I pretend to be angry about other things, things that mean nothing at all so I don't have to confront my true emotions. Its only here in my writings that I feel truly comfortable enough to be myself....and for all my Internet friends.....all my blog readers, I thank you for being my shoulder to cry, my friend to lean on, and my ear to out pour my emotions.
In less than a month my son will have been gone for a year. Someone asked me what I am going to do for his first birthday and I didn't have an answer. What do you do for a birthday party for a baby who isn't here to celebrate it? And if I do celebrate it....am I not only celebrating his death? For all you angel mommies out there, what did you do for your angels first birthday? There is no grave I can take presents to, no headstone to decorate. Sometimes I regret cremating my son, I regret that entire hospital stay and the weeks that followed it. I regret every decision I made during his pregnancy, that is guilt I will live with for the rest of my life. There is no way to change it, now I just have to learn to deal with it; which is no easy task.
I know one thing for sure, I am no longer afraid of death. I actually embrace it, only because I know as soon as that last breath escapes my lips, I will once again be blessed with the image of my son, my Johnny Giovanni. I can't wait.
