Thursday, February 18, 2010

Bereavement is a darkness impenetrable to the imagination of the unbereaved

I don't even know what to write anymore. It seems like everyone around me knows how I should be feeling or acting but I sure don't. I don't even know what I feel anymore. I know there are good and bad days, but the bad seem to outweigh the good, and when its bad, its really really bad. I think if I didn't have Annissa and AJ to keep me busy I would literally sleep all day...and sometimes when I don't have them I still do; and then I feel guilty for doing so. Some days I don't even want to acknowledge the day, I want it to just pass me by and pretend that it never existed. Then on the good days I could be going along just fine and then, out of nowhere, it will hit me. My son is dead. Not like I forgot, I could never forget, but for the moment in time I escape the grief only to be pulled back in and brought down even lower than I was. Behind this smile is anger, disbelief, and sadness that I feel I can not show anyone. So instead I pretend to be angry about other things, things that mean nothing at all so I don't have to confront my true emotions. Its only here in my writings that I feel truly comfortable enough to be myself....and for all my Internet friends.....all my blog readers, I thank you for being my shoulder to cry, my friend to lean on, and my ear to out pour my emotions.

In less than a month my son will have been gone for a year. Someone asked me what I am going to do for his first birthday and I didn't have an answer. What do you do for a birthday party for a baby who isn't here to celebrate it? And if I do celebrate it....am I not only celebrating his death? For all you angel mommies out there, what did you do for your angels first birthday? There is no grave I can take presents to, no headstone to decorate. Sometimes I regret cremating my son, I regret that entire hospital stay and the weeks that followed it. I regret every decision I made during his pregnancy, that is guilt I will live with for the rest of my life. There is no way to change it, now I just have to learn to deal with it; which is no easy task.

I know one thing for sure, I am no longer afraid of death. I actually embrace it, only because I know as soon as that last breath escapes my lips, I will once again be blessed with the image of my son, my Johnny Giovanni. I can't wait.

Wednesday, February 3, 2010

It's not dying for faith that's so hard, it's living up to it.

That ugly green monster keeps poking his head in. I hate that. I'm so jealous, everyone around me seems to be either pregnant or already having their little one. Why not me? I keep trying to have faith that God will give me a child when the time is right but its so hard to hold onto when so many babies are born to druggies and people that abuse their children. I know life isn't fair and one day this will all make sense but for now my faith is very shaky and borderline non-existent. Maybe my little Johnny's birthday approaching is stirring all these emotions. Don't I deserve to be a mommy again? I keep having these feelings, like what if I never get pregnant again? What if this is it for me? I am very happy with the children I have but why is it everyone else can do it and I can't? I sound like some stupid school girl crying over a boy that didn't ask her to the dance I feel so juvenile. I want to stomp my feet and scream into the sky, "I'm not pregnant and I want to know why!" My birthday is in 19 days, what a wonderful birthday present it would be to see a big fat plus sign. *sigh*

Mommy misses you baby Johnny.