Friday, January 15, 2010

God's finger touched him and he slept

I can hardly believe ten months has passed by since I last held my angel. It seems like a blink of an eye and an eternity all at the same time. Its nearly 8 weeks longer than I carried my little guy in my womb of love. I just miss him so much.

I wonder if my heart will ever heal? I feel as though my heart will always have a tare that I tried to mend, but its like its sewed up incorrectly with jagged edges and thread hanging about, never to look the same again. And yet I feel like there are people on each side of me expecting me to put the pieces back exactly like they were and when I can't they become frustrated and call me weak. Yet, when an egg is cracked people don't say "oh just tape it up, it will be fine" but these same people expect me to just "tape up my heart" and expect me to be "fine"; or better yet they say "just pop a pill" but how is a pill going to mend my broken, torn heart? There is no tape, no pill, or any specific time that will mend this tare in my heart, even though many say "10 months is too long to grieve". Walk 10 minutes in my shoes and see if you still feel the same.

I have decided to March for my son in the March for Dimes walk. You can view my personal page here Special thanks to those of you that have already donated to my walk. You are very special people. God bless.

Please all of you out there that still have your little ones, give them all an extra hug tonight in memory of baby Johnny.

Tuesday, January 12, 2010

Faith is the force of life

Its been almost 10 months since my world fell apart. Some days I can hardly believe its been so long, but most of all I'm surprised I've pushed on this long. Most days I feel like I'm dying on the inside at best and I feel it getting worse everyday. I literally feel like I'm going crazy. Most days I miss him so much my body literally hurts, just aches for him. I feel unbalanced, unstable, and completely out of control; which I hate. Over the past few months it seems to be getting harder instead of easier. Harder to get out of bed, harder to do my daily household chores, harder to think, harder to do well....anything; harder to just live.

I don't know how much more I can take. God, You have said that You will not give anyone more than they can handle, and I think I am at my brink, please pull me up?