Welcome week 32!
Its hard to imagine that in 5 weeks I will have a baby. A LIVE baby in my house...thats mine. After the few scares that we have had this past week, along with the newly set in panic attacks, its just very very hard to imagine bringing home a real live baby to my home. It still seems like a fantasy to me and I'm sure it will continue to feel that way until I have her in my arms.
I remember the first baby I held after baby Johnny died. It was only a month after he died, and it was difficult to say the least. I remember holding this little boy and looking down at him and feeling anger. How can someone feel anger for a baby I thought? But I did. I was angry that I did everything right yet my baby had died, and here, here was this little boy that belonged to one of Big Johnny's friends that didn't play by the rules when she was pregnant, but still she got to have her baby. I began to feel enraged and wanted to run screaming from the house, but at that time I didn't know why I was so angry. But looking back now I can see why. Her baby was born just days after my Johnny and it just wasn't fair.
I hope to God I don't ever make anyone feel that way.