Tuesday, December 28, 2010

Ramblings

Welcome week 32!

Its hard to imagine that in 5 weeks I will have a baby. A LIVE baby in my house...thats mine. After the few scares that we have had this past week, along with the newly set in panic attacks, its just very very hard to imagine bringing home a real live baby to my home. It still seems like a fantasy to me and I'm sure it will continue to feel that way until I have her in my arms.

I remember the first baby I held after baby Johnny died. It was only a month after he died, and it was difficult to say the least. I remember holding this little boy and looking down at him and feeling anger. How can someone feel anger for a baby I thought? But I did. I was angry that I did everything right yet my baby had died, and here, here was this little boy that belonged to one of Big Johnny's friends that didn't play by the rules when she was pregnant, but still she got to have her baby. I began to feel enraged and wanted to run screaming from the house, but at that time I didn't know why I was so angry. But looking back now I can see why. Her baby was born just days after my Johnny and it just wasn't fair.

I hope to God I don't ever make anyone feel that way.

5 comments:

  1. Sometimes it just doesn't feel fair that some people get to keep theirs...I think it is normal to feel that way when you've lost your child.

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  2. I'm thrilled that the baby will be here so soon! No, I know it is not fair for people who don't take care of themselves to have children so easily. I see it happen all the time.I can understand your anger. That is just a part of the grieving process. Sending love & hugs!

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  3. I felt that way a lot too in the beginning.. it's normal. 5 weeks!! WOW!!

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  4. Lynda,

    I've not been around much but you and baby Johnny and little girl have been in my thoughts lots. I will be thinking of you through LOTS during these last few weeks of crazy-making PAL.

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  5. One day at a time, Lynda. That's all you can ask for right now.

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