Tuesday, November 9, 2010

What Is Worry Without Fear?

With every day that passes, every week that comes our way, it brings me more and more fear. We are approaching that week that I truly think my placenta started to cut off nutrients to our baby Johnny. Although he didn't pass until week 31.4 I think it started much earlier. According to websites Sunshine should be about 2lbs by now and baby Johnny weighed just 2lbs 4oz.

Everything makes me worry, every move, every flutter, every kick...will it be her last? Will I not notice soon enough to get her help? I had a dream the other night that Dr Z told me Sunshine was gone, she dead inside of me and there was nothing they could do. Although at every appt Sunshine looks great, wonderful heartbeat measuring a little big and never seems to be in distress. No, thats must me, stressing over every moment of this pregnancy so much that I feel I can't even enjoy it.

We had a huge scare starting Sunday morning when I started getting horrible pains in my back and side, when finally I couldn't take it anymore I headed to the ER. They couldn't figure out what was wrong but thought for sure I was in pre-term labor, so they gave me a drug to stop the contractions that they say I wasn't even having. I felt a little better and was sent home. Only to wake up in the middle of the night with the horrible pains again. I called Dr. Z early Monday AM who told me to come into the office. She thought it could have been constipation in my bowels or kidney stones. (I thought it was the stones) She gave me meds to relieve the constipation and sent me for an ultrasound of my kidneys and urinary tract. It turned out to be a huge gas bubble stuck in my bowel, which the constipation meds (combined with prune juice) relived. Confidence in Dr. Z shot up, but my confidence in this supposedly "high risk" hospital are next to nothing. This isn't good considering this is where I am delivering. *sigh*

Oh I hit 25 weeks on Sunday, but with all the craziness did not get a chance to take a belly pic yet this week. Still I'm excited about reaching 25 weeks! Almost to the third trimester now. Hopefully soon, I will be holding my little Sunshine in my arms.


  1. I'm still praying that Sunshine will come home a healthy baby! I know it's hard not to worry - I have been there before. When you get a chance, would you email me? I make tags for baby Angels, and I would like to make one for Johnny.
    sboyette@tx.rr.com (((HUGS)))

  2. I don't envy - I have been there done that. You have to put it to rest as much as you can and keep the positive energy flowing to Sunshine.