Thursday, September 16, 2010

Too Much Weight On My Shoulders

Its funny, I call my OB's office and everyone knows me by name. I never have to give my last name or my date of birth, they just know me. I have only been seeing this OB since I was about 7 weeks pregnant, so really only 10 weeks. Normally you only see your OB once a month in the beginning of pregnancy, so that would be twice in my case. In 10 short weeks I have seen my OB 15 times. FIFTEEN. No wonder they all know me by name. As nice as it is to talk to the medical assistant like she is my BFF and to have the receptionist know what time of day I prefer for my appts, it sucks that I have see my OB so often. As much as I love seeing my baby Zort on the ultrasound screen I wish I didn't have to get so many. I wish I was one of those patients that the dr hardly remembers because she only has to see you once a month, or right on schedule. I love Dr. Z, she is amazing and so knowledgeable in her field. I love all the nurses and other dr's in her practice, I just wish I didn't have to know them all. I wish I was a normal OB patient. But I know now that I will never be a normal OB patient. Dr. Z hugged me today and told me she was so sorry I had to go through all of this, and we aren't even at 24 weeks yet. I told her I keep telling my baby girl, "just hang in there until week 24", just 7 more weeks. I know if she can hang that long, she at least has a chance. But really how much of a chance? At 24 weeks she will have a 50% chance of survival and if she does survive half of THOSE babies have permanent problems as a result of being born premature. How much longer will my baby be alive? Only God knows.

This is the most stressful pregnancy I have ever had to endure. I feel so heavy like I'm carrying the weight of 10 men on my back. I just want a chance to breath, to relax, to confidently say "I know everything is going to be OK", when do I get to say that?

4 comments:

  1. You get to say that when she comes out.. it sucks, but it's true. Just try to enjoy every moment you have with her - that helped me to just live in the moment when I was pregnant with Delaney last year.. I just wanted to build beautiful memories with her and not let the worry and anxiety take over. Big hugs!

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  2. Honey, I dont know that you every get to say everything is okay. Bobby and Maya just turned a year old, and I still dont feel the confidence to say it's all okay. But after they are on the outside and seem healthy, it does make it feel easier... to at least try to believe...

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  3. I'm glad you have an office that is there for you and a good dr too!! It can be scary!

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  4. I wish there was a way to ease your mind. Just know that we are here praying for you and your little girl.

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