Change is inevitable - except from a vending machine.

I'm finally done, I'm just DONE!!! I have finally overcome my fears and I have to do what is right for me and for my kids. It feels good to be free, but its also sad to close the book on that part of my life. I know its the right thing for me though.

I had a continuance of my dream from yesterday. I dreamt that I was walking out of a building and I started driving, and I drove over the medians. Then I noticed there was a carseat in the backseat of my car, and the baby inside that I could not see, started to cry. So I pulled over, got out of the car and opened the backseat. The carseat was empty. Then I woke up. I don't know what it means but it must be significant to dream a part II of a dream...right? It was very odd. That has never happened to me before.

Please keep Annissa, AJ, and myself in your prayers while I proceed with a new chapter in my life!

Life is wasted on the living.

I had a dream yesterday. I was at a hospital, with a bunch of balloons. I had Annissa and AJ with me. I kept telling everyone that I had to go outside so I could release these balloons...for my daughter. My daughter? I woke up thinking it was for baby Johnny, but then realized, I had said my daughter several times. Oh dear GOD please don't let this happen again. I don't think I could handle another loss!!

Today is no better than yesterday or the day before or the day before that, but I know I am the only one that can change things. It is only my constant fear and self doubt that are stopping me.

I know what my son would want. I know he would want me to be happy, I just know it. He watches, he hears and sees, he knows whats going on. I wish he would give me a sign, maybe something from him would get my butt into gear.

I really want to go see a medium, but I can't for the life of me, find one in Phoenix. If you know of one, please let me know.

I wish I knew how to overcome my fears. I am my own worst enemy.

And they all fall down

Its been 101 days since we last said goodbye. Everyday its getting harder and harder to breath. I feel like I'm having panic attacks. At least that's what I think they are. I can't breath, my heart races, and my head pounds. The veil of grief is coming off a little at a time and I don't think I can handle it. I feel like I did that day...on March 14th, when they told us our little son had gone to heaven. My heart feels like its going to explode. Oh God why have you forsaken me?? Why have you taken that precious little boy away from me??

Someone called me Johnny's mom today, I burst out crying. I don't feel like Johnny's mom. I don't know who or what I am, but I sure don't feel like his mom. I realized today that I don't have baby Johnny's umbilical cord. WHY didn't they give me his cord?? WHY?!! Why didn't I put him in clothes for him to cremated in?? Was he naked? Why didn't I take him to the funeral home myself? Why didn't I see him one last time at the funeral home?? WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY?

Will this pain ever go away?

Even if there is a rainbow on the horizon, how in the hell am I going to deal with it emotionally? Maybe, just maybe, I'm not ready for that yet. I don't know what I'm ready for. I know that I shouldn't have to fight for attention, affection, love and respect from Big Johnny, but I feel like

I am. I don't think things will ever get better between him and I. I think we are just postponing the inevitable.

Inevitable. What is inevitable that my son was going to die? I don't think so. I think things that happened while I was pregnant made him die. What kind of person cheats on his pregnant girlfriend? What kind of woman knowingly has an affair with a man that has a pregnant girlfriend?? And what kind of woman stays with the man that caused her to lose her son?

That last one, that one is the question that haunts me everyday.

Untitled

I'm drowning in a pool of grief. I can't save me, no one can save me. I'm alone inside and out. My only desire is to be with my son. My life sucks. I can't even type out my emotions. I have lost every want to do....anything. Help.

Stupendous

As I looked through baby Johnny's book last night for the umtenth time, AJ said to me "I miss baby Johnny." This is the first time since baby Johnny's death that I think AJ finally 'gets it' that he isn't coming back...how oddly bittersweet that he is coming to the same realization I am....at the same time. All I could manage to get out was "I miss him too" before my tears started to flow. And flow they did....for the next hour or so....probably longer. As overjoyed I am to see that Mr. AJ is starting to learn compassion I'm distraught that he has to learn it because his little brother died. I would have gladly taught him about compassion at another time, if I could have my sweet baby Johnny back.

I took the kids swimming today, they had so much fun splashing and kicking around the water. And again Mr. AJ amazed me. He has been so afraid of the water that he doesn't move far away from the stairs in the pool when he gets in; but today he started "swimming" with his head underwater and jumping in!! I was so excited for him. Then....I my mind started to wonder; the infamous question, what would've, could've, should've been. What would life had been like today, at the pool, had my baby Johnny survived his horrible demise? There is that horrific word again, demise. Ugh.

After swimming we decided to BBQ and let the kids play at the playground. They had a blast and we got some yummy food made. I was so happy that I actually had an appetite today and that the food had a taste to it. The past few days my food that I force down has had no flavor. My kids are such hams. Once they seen me bring out the camera they started posing. There were some ducks in the pond in our complex but as soon as I got close they ran. I guess they didn't want to be my friend. Annissa said she didn't know why the ducks didn't want to hang out with me because I'm such a fun girl. Ahh...my kids never fail to amaze me and make me smile.

I keep saying how my family doesn't remember or honor my precious baby Johnny and I just want to say that two of my sisters do. They display my son's memorial program proudly and I thank them for that. I deeply appreciate that they remember and recognize my son. Thank you guys, I love you both.

I started my crafts today, and they are coming along quite nicely. I'm actually kinda proud of my crafts, surprisingly.

Forrest Gumps' words are ringing in my ears tonight, "Life is like a box of chocolates; you never know what you're gonna get." Indeed Forrest, indeed.

Life is a long lesson in humility.

A deep dark black hole. I'm falling back into a deep depression. I don't want to eat, breathe, or even be here. People in my life are making this even more difficult. I keep saying I need to get out of the situation I'm in but I don't do anything to correct it. I guess its one thing to talk about it but a complete other to take action. I need to just be alone for awhile. Which means I am going to have to go back to work, which is going to be the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. I'm in no mental state to even deal with my family let alone strangers.

I feel so ugly and fat and......worthless. I don't even feel like I'm living, only that I am here. That's it and truly the only place I want to be is with my son. I belong nowhere.

I can't go forward when people are pushing me back. I need a good support system, and that I am lacking.....at least in RL. My blog is my hiding spot, the only place in the world where I can be ME with no judgement.

What GOD, have I done so wrong in my life that you dealt me this hand?

Life isn't fair. It's just fairer than death, that's all.

My nephew went in and came out of surgery fine. Thank goodness.

As we walked the long trek up to the surgery area, we walked passed the NICU...and into Labor and Delivery...why I have yet to figure out. Walking toward us, was the stupid heartless anesthesiologist from baby Johnny's delivery. These past two days I have wanted to punch someone in the face, and this abomination of a man would have been a perfect target. I think if it weren't for Big Johnny LITERALLY pulling me away I would have punched this man in the face....just 1..or 200 times.

While I was in Fry's today I started talking with this lady. Her name was Julie. All of a sudden she just started talking to me about kids and marriage. And we got into this deep connected conversation. It was nice. I didn't talk about baby Johnny...I don't have the courage to do that yet. But this woman started talking about angels and how we all have angels that watch over us. It was very...uplifting.

While picking up Big Johnny tonight, I pulled up to him talking with the female security guard. Come to find out, this woman is also an angel mommy. Two years ago she delivered a stillborn full term baby girl. I just can't believe how many people have angel babies. Its shocking and so sad.

I went grocery shopping today and because of $5 dinners I only spent $53!! Thank you so much $5 dinners!!

I think its awesome that I am connecting with so many angel mommies. I think I am ready to go to a support group. I really do. I looked up Compassionate Friends today. They have a meeting pretty close by my house. Its on the first Thursday of every month. I think I am going to go in July. I'm actually kind of excited about it. Now come July, who knows. My emotions change daily, especially when it comes to my son.

I haven't started on my craft yet, I think I'm kinda scared to start...like I am going to mess it up somehow.

I found a wonderful woman named Heidi who does photo retouching for angel mommies. I sent her a few of baby Johnny's pictures and they came out so beautifully. You can contact Heidi via her website here. Below is a picture that Heidi retouched of me and baby Johnny. He looks...so beautiful. I miss my son.

I love you baby Johnny, today, forever, and always.

When life heads south, just punch someone in the face

I'm so tired. Everyday I feel exhausted. Maybe that is due to the fact that I only sleep 3-4 hours a night, and its restless sleep filled with dead baby zombies and end of the world tendencies.

I joined a craft circle with other angel mommies. I suck at crafts. Baby Johnny's scrapbook was the first 'crafty' thing I have ever made in my life. I remember trying to make a color wheel in 9th grade, a pillow in 8th grade, and a wooden race car in 7th grade. All came out...rather crappy. I hope the other mommies don't laugh at my craft. I think I would laugh at my craft.

I think I am finally coming out of the "veil of grief" so its been called. I am finally realizing that this is reality, not some scary nightmare that I'm going to wake up from. No amount of praying or begging to God will bring my son back or put him back in my tummy. None of that is going to happen. Ever.

I wish it was an evil nightmare that I could wake up from. I wish God would give my son...and me....a second chance. A second chance to live the life that we had hoped and prayed for.

My nephew is going in for surgery tomorrow. Not a real big surgery, but he has asthma and that mixed with anesthesia doesn't mix well. Please keep him in your prayers.

I think I need to add more pages to my scrapbook, I feel like its incomplete. Maybe its just me that's incomplete. A part of me is missing. A part I will never get back. And that my friends, is definitely unfair.

In the end everything is a Gag.

How am I supposed to feel today? Seems like everyone thinks they know how I should be feeling or what I should be doing for my grief. So apparently I don't know how to grieve or feel right. Perfect! I'm oh so glad for all the people in my life that have never lost a child but yet they have all the answers to what should happen after losing one. Does sarcasm come across over the internet or do I have to actually say I'm being sarcastic?

I wish I could go back to May 2007. My life was much simpler then. Big Johnny's and my relationship was more innocent back then. We had no.....ugly past. No lies, no deception, no....dead baby. Life was so much brighter. Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't give my son up for the world. I cherish everyday I had with him, but to be able to just walk away from all the hurt, even for a day would be transcendent. To be able to start all over and do it all again would be bliss. Even if I had to go through losing my son again, just to be able to hold him in my arms once more. I know, self fish right?

The winner of the drawing is........drumroll please.......... AUBREY!!!! Aubrey if you could just send me your address I will get your goodies out to you!!

I made enchiladas last night and I think the grease or something was too much for me because I got sick. All day I've been sick. Great.

In the park yesterday I seen all these kids at the playground. Sliding, making sand castles, climbing, and swinging. Then it hit me, someone else had said when they were in the park they lost it knowing their angel would never swing. For some reason I remembered that at that exact moment and I lost it. I will never push baby Johnny on the swing and hear him squeal "higher Mommy, higher!!" I'll never take him to the park to ride his bike or teach him to do the monkey bars. Baby Johnny will never fly a kite. DAMN IT!!! I want my son to fly a stupid kite!! I know this all sounds ludicrous, but I don't have to sound sane. Not now, I don't know if I will ever sound sane in these blogs. To me they all seem so random and ridiculous like I'm throwing myself a grief party. My words are always sad. When do I get to be happy again??

Thank you to the person who suggested hanging baby Johnny's letters up with a pretty string, unfortunately the holes on the letters are on the bottom :( so I'm still at a loss of how to hang them.

I keep trying to use photo shop and I can't figure it out, just something else I suck at. I get so frustrated every time that I just give up. I just want a pretty signature for one of the message boards I post on but I can't even do that.

I would have started to feed my son cereal yesterday. I started both of my other children at 3 months with cereal. What a mess, but it created memories that will last me a lifetime. I mix the baby cereal with a little bit of butter, cinnamon, and sugar. Yeah I know...but my kids both liked it and I'm sure baby Johnny would have too.

Who can I be angry with today? Who can I take my aggressions out on today? I don't want to be sad, I don't want to cry. I.....sigh. I just want my son back.

I want to punch someone in the face.

Lions and Tigers and Bears, Oh My!

Three months today.

Three....three...three....

Three whole months that seemed like a blink of an eye. I swear I was just pregnant with my baby Johnny yesterday. Where did all that time go?

We went to the park today and released balloons in his honor. I couldnt write him a letter, I dont know why, but I just couldnt. Not this month, maybe next.

I went through all of baby Johnny's "stuff" today. I realized I have never taken any pictures of any of it...plus its been awhile since I looked at it. I pulled out his gown and little hat. I looked at his blanket and his memory box. I took pictures of it all. Then while looking at his precious blanket I realized that it had a website on it. It was made by Sewing for Babies. How neat is that?? That is right here in Arizona!! I sent them an email and expressed my appreciation for all that they do. I wish I knew how to sew, I would help them out in a minute!

Did I mention I miss my son? Oh and by the way, for those of you that are wondering, the teddy bear in the pictures is actually baby Johnny's urn. Just thought I'd share.

Say "no" to Yellow Snow

I can't believe its been three months since I held my precious son in my arms! It seems like just yesterday I kissed him good-bye for the last time.

When baby Johnny was 'safe' in my womb I used to rock him and sing to him everyday. I used to talk to him about things I was doing, things that were going on around me, I treated him as though he was already here. Now that he is gone, I still talk to him. I hope he can hear me.

I wrote him a poem yesterday here it is:

"My Little Boy"

There once was a little boy
That I held safely in my womb
He use to dance to Kanye West
When there was still enough room

He always wanted to eat pizza
And ice cream was his treat
He was best friends with Jack in the box
And with root beer his meal was complete

He always slept in late
And stayed up almost all night
He loved when his daddy talked to him
And when his sister kissed him goodnight

Then one day he didn’t dance or play
He didn’t crave his favorite foods
My womb just stayed oh very still
I wish he would have given me clues

We went to the dr and they did an ultrasound
And his heartbeat was nowhere to be found
For that precious little boy that I carried in my womb
Died before he was born in that small hospital room

I held him for two days before we said goodbye
And now I'm here all alone and every day I cry
All I have is pictures now to remember that sweet little boy
There are no bottles and bibs or any little first toy

Even though I do not sleep it’s not because he cries
My baby does not have colic, no no he just died
I do not have to walk the floor to get him to calm down
I do not have sore nipples from nursing him all over town

What I do have are stretch marks, leaky boobs, and a c section scar
That I call my battle wound for each day of grief seems like a war
I fight away the tears and say that I'm OK
When inside I want to scream I'll never be OK!

Empty heart, empty hands, empty room
Empty life, empty promises, empty womb
Empty Empty Empty is all I ever hear
Never filling all this space is what I'll always fear

I pray you never have this grief
Or this hand I was dealt
For this pain is oh so real
And my words are heartfelt

People are always telling me how strong I am, but they don't see me when I'm alone. They don't see me cry into my sons urn everynight. They don't see me wake up from nightmares in a cold sweat or in tears. They don't know I can't sleep without the hall light on. They don't know how much it pangs me to admit that he is really gone. They just don't know....

I'm going to send him a balloon tomorrow; and attach a letter. I have so much to say in my blog, yet when I went to write this letter I didn't know what to say. Why is it I have writers block when it comes to talking to my own son but I can spill my guts for thousands of internet strangers to read?

I went to Michael's last week. I wanted to get baby Johnny a shelf to place his baby book and his urn on. I wanted to write his name on the shelf. I couldn't find one, not the kind I wanted so I ended up buying letters and a frog. I so love frogs and for some reason they remind me so much of my precious son. Anyway here is the before and after:

BEFORE:

AFTER:

Now to find a shelf to hang above the letters...well and figure out how to hang up the letters. I want to hang his BIRTH Certificate (I'm not going to call it Birth Resulting in Stillbirth Certificate anymore to me its his BIRTH Certificate) under this as well...or above. I'm not sure.

I had my Mary Kay Color Party today. It turned out well and my sister will be hosting one next week, seems like we've had a month long Mary Kay Party lol. Anyway here is a pic from the event:

Ha, you thought it was going to be a picture of people didn't you? Yes those are JELLO shots! And yes I was feeling pretty good during and right after the party. Thanks Lindsey!! If anyone in the Phoenix area is planning on hosting a Mary Kay Party I'd definitely go through her. To get to her website just click here . Again she was awesome! She made our parties fun and entertaining, taught us a lot, and was very professional. Oh and she made us JELLO shots! She was great!! Did I mention the JELLO shots? Because yeah she made us some JELLO shots that were out of this world. Just want to make sure I did infact mention the JELLO shots. :) Seriously though she is really good at what she does and knows a ton about how to apply make up and taking care of your skin! :) Thanks again Lindsey!

Its time again for my weekly contest. Just post on this thread and automatically get entered to win fabulous goodies!! Don't forget to come back and check on Monday and see if you have won!! I'll just need your address to send you out the great stuff!!

So until tomorrow my friends. Pray for my little Johnny Giovanni.....

Holy Cow

Yes, its definitely time for a change. I've made up my mind and decided I just can not stay in the situation that I am in. I want so much more for myself and staying where I am is NOT going to accomplish that. I am thinking of going to school to become a dental tech. I want a rainbow, Big Johnny is now saying he does not, at least for a year. I can not wait this long. We want completely different things. I will never be happy if I stay with him, and I know this now. I guess I have known this for awhile, I just finally convinced myself of it.

That was the big decision to make. Now on to what to do about it. I have so many plans and ideas in my head. I'm excited and scared at the same time, but I truly think this is Gods plan for me. I've been talking a lot to God lately. He doesn't answer me, but I talk. Its almost like therapy, but with someone who has lost a child, and someone that doesn't push their opinion or medication on me. Its just very.....therapeutic. I have been talking with my son more as well. I spent a good hour or so today talking with him. I really want to go to a medium. I feel so strongly about this, as if my son is pushing me to do this. Maybe there is something he needs to tell me?

I feel a plethora of emotions running through me tonight. Its all very overwhelming. And what do I do when I get overwhelmed and scared...or hurt? I eat. I don't just eat, I eat comfort foods. Mac & Cheese, pizza, and chocolate.

I hate AF. Its just a constant reminder that I have no rainbow. Maybe that's for the best, considering my decision.

I'm so thankful for my living children, Annissa & AJ. I think they keep me stable. It kills me when they go back to their dads house. They went back today, so I will be without them for a week :/ Sigh. I miss all my babies tonight.

I feel like I have to be their rock, and I hate when I break down in front of them. I don't want to show them that I'm so weak. I have to be strong for them. Afterall, I'm the only mama they have and they, well they are the only babies that I have left.

I love you all; Annissa, AJ, and baby Johnny. You should be in this picture my son. It should be the four of us, forever and ever.

...and the cow jumps over the moon

Total darkness engulfs me.

I can't breath. I can't see.

Why is this happening? Whats going on?

Help!!

Why aren't you helping me?!

Were these my son's final thoughts? Does my son HATE me? If I were him, I would hate me.

I sat this morning with his little outfit in my hands. The outfit that he would probably fit in today. My favorite outfit out of everything I bought. I held it tight as if somehow he could feel me hugging him through these clothes. I don't think any baby outfit has ever felt so many tears as this one did today.

The world opens up and a dark pit swallows me whole. I blink in the darkness that is my new norm. I can't see. Will I ever be able to see in this blackness? I reach out but only feel emptiness. The emptiness of my soul, my heart, my....being. There is nothing. There is no one. There is only....dark. I am truly alone. The pit grows bigger and I start to fall deeper into this abyss. Yet I never hit the ground I just continue sailing downward, advancing farther into my grief. The only light at the end of the tunnel is my rainbow that he has smashed into pieces.

Will my world ever have light again?

The light went out

The rainbow is gone, AF is here, and my life just sucks.

I was talking with another angel mommy today about how it pangs me every time I see a baby, and how I just feel like I want to rip away someone elses child but I know I never could. I could never take a child,as I know how it feels to lose one, but boy when I saw that CHILD, that 16 year old, with three of them I just wanted to shake her and snatch her little baby boy away. It just feels so unfair that my body would let me down in such a way, that my body would literally kill my child. Its just.....unbelievable. I sit here and I look at my other two children in amazement. Yes I had problems (preeclampsia) during both of their pregnancies, but look at them. LOOK! I want to scream; they are a healthy 5 and 7 year old, with no problems. WHAT went wrong this time?? I hate not having answers. Nothing anyone will say will make it better, but to have the piece of mind of knowing WHY this happened; why my son sits in ashes, is for now only a dream.

I was also talking with this angel mommy about the days in the hospital. Its so hard for me to talk about those first few days. The hospital, and right after. Baby Johnny's story was written ONCE...I only wrote it ONCE and then copied pasted wherever else I needed it. I can't tell it again. I can't relive those days. When I think about that exact moment. The moment my OBGYN came into that small cramped room with a curtain, pulled up a chair, and started mumbling about how this "sometimes happens" and that he "didn't have the words"...I become lightheaded and my heart races, I feel like I'm going to faint and my chest hurts. Its the worst feeling I have ever felt in my life. I remember sobbing and screaming "MY BABY IS DEAD!?" almost as if I had to hear it multiple times in order for it to process. Looking back that memory seems to be underwater. Everyone is moving slowly and its blurry. Like we should be hunting for a man eating shark, not delivering a dead baby. I want to go back to March 14th and do it all over again. I want to be alone with my baby as I never was and I want to sing to him like I did when he was in my womb. Oh and there goes the water works. Like I said, re-living all of this is too hard and I'm too much of a wuss to do it yet.

Life is like a box of used tampons, bloody, messy, gory, and trash.

This little piggy goes to the gym

Today was Magnificent Monday at our local library. As Annissa, AJ, and I were walking inside, Annissa says, "We are like the 3 little pigs, well except Mommy, she is a big pig." Grrrreeeaat. I guess its time for me to start working out. It has been three months and I probably have a good 80lbs to lose to be my "ideal" weight. So I guess, off to the gym I go. Anyone know of a good one?

I received my pathology report from my OBGYN's office today. I decided to read it while I let the kids play at McDonald's. Wow, was that a bad idea. As I'm reading about my 32 week fetal demise I look over and see a 16 year old Mother sitting next to me with toddler twins and a newborn in an infant carrier. Wonderful.

So not only am I fatass, but I also can't even accomplish what a 16 year old can. By this time I was feeling really great about myself.

I brought the kids home and did some crafts. I made a duck. Annissa made a pig. AJ fell asleep.

I'm so tired of everyone thinking they know what I need or whats best for me or whats "wrong" with me. The only thing wrong with me is I am one child short. I was cheated. Today I was thinking, I keep looking at this from MY point of view, how it hurts ME. But what about Baby Johnny? How much pain and suffering did he go through before he actually floated up to his angel life? How did he feel inside of me? Did he ever cry when I cried? Did he ever stress when I stressed? Did he feel all the pain I felt on March 3rd when I came upon that news? Did he wonder why I wasn't protecting him as that monster cord squeezed the breath right out of him? Did he love me as much as I love him? Did he feel it all? Did he hear it all? Does he now see it all? I just want to scream to the heavens to open up and swallow me whole!! ANSWER ME GOD!! I beg of you....answer me!

Nothing in this world will make me "normal" or "whole" again. So let me be angry, as I'd rather be angry than sad.

Fuck it, I'm hungry, lets eat cake.

I'm so cool, I've become a religion...

The rainbow is lost and my world has gone back to the gloomy, dark sadness that it was nearly 3 months ago. I feel like there is no reason for...even being. It faded as fast as it came and now I don't even want to try for a rainbow anymore. I just want to give up on the whole idea. It was never this difficult before, why, is it this time is so hard? I just want to scream at GOD and beg for answers. NONE of this makes any sense. When my son first past I was so drawn to the church and now I feel like its all pointless and that makes me even more depressed. If GOD isn't on my side, then who is? Who can I really count on? Me, myself, and I....and that's it. And that is the cold reality of this world.

Baby Johnny's birth announcements came yesterday. They are beautiful!! I have to thank a very kind, generous, and caring women at Little Lamb Design. Thank you so much Ellen!! I took some pictures before I put them in the pre-printed envelopes that Ellen sent along with these gorgeous announcements. For your viewing (and my bragging) pleasure:

I just love these announcements and can't to send them to all my family and friends!

Last but not least, we have a contest winner. Big Johnny got to pick the name out of a hat and the winner of the basket of goodies is.........................................................................................................

Inanna Journey!!! Congrats!! If you want to send me your address I will get your basket out to you ASAP!

Thanks to everyone who commented to Friday's blog! I hope to make this a weekly or monthly contest!

Forever thinking of you Squishy. You will always and forever be, Mommy's Little Squishy.

Who stole the cookies from the cookie jar?

I've been anxious all day today. Like I'm waiting for something to happen that may never happen, or at least not right now anyway. With every passing day I feel my son slipping farther and farther away. I feel like I need to do something to remember my son, but I am at a loss at to what. I wanted to build him a shelf, paint his name on it and put his urn on it. I also wanted to make a candle for him, with his name, and put it on the shelf. I try to light my candle every night at 6:28PM, I don't always make it, but I try. I just feel like I'm not doing enough, like something is missing, something besides my son. I know my son is missing and I now realize no begging or pleading is going to bring him back. I know now that this depression, sadness, anger, and resentment is my new "norm". I don't like it, but I realize it. It stinks. Really bad, like day old fish on a hot day. But I am slowly coming to terms with it. I think I'm supposed to be helping other mommies but I'm not really sure how, I don't think I could be an inspiration to anyone right now. I think I sound like a whiny brat that is throwing a fit because she can't get her way. I'm just....at a loss.

Sigh.

I made the Crockpot Chicken and Dumplings. We didn't like this, at all. It had no flavor, it was very bland. This is the first recipe off this site that we have tried and didn't like. Tonight I made Green Chile Chicken and Spanish Rice and it was delicious. It was like an easy alternative to making green Chile chicken enchiladas (which I make ALOT). We enjoyed it, but I forgot to take a pic, sorry guys! I did get a pic of our Chicken and Dumplings from last night, so here it is.

The kids decided to make pictures and letters for Baby Johnny today. My daughter asked if we could send them to him in heaven :(. I told her we could tape them to a balloon and set it free. She pressed on wanting to know if he would get them. I told her that he can see all she does and is with her always. She was satisfied with this answer. AJ drew a picture of all of us, I wrote in the names for him. Annissa made him a card. Here are pics:

This is AJ's picture, its Big Johnny, Me, Annissa, AJ, and Baby Johnny. He signed it Love AJ :)

This is the inside of Annissa's card, it says "We wish that you could come back but we don't know how. We miss you."

This is the front of Annissa's card, its baby Johnny's hands and feet and it says, "To Johnny I love you baby, Love Annissa." Under the hands and feet it says "As tiny as he was he will always be in our hearts."

All of this broke my heart :(

I made cupcakes today and Annissa wanted to "make them herself". We compromised and she got to help, by spilling eggs all over my counters and frosting the cupcakes. She actually did a good job with the frosting.

Annissa putting in the liners.

Annissa frosting the cupcakes.

Some of the finished product. Yum!

And while all this was going on AJ did what he loves, played the Xbox 360. I swear that kid is ADDICTED! LOL!

I've decided to do something fun with my blog. I've noticed others do fun things with their blogs; contests, games, etc. So I decided to do a contest for my blog. Anyone who comments on this entry and also puts baby Johnny's badge on their blog, I will take all of those people, put all the names in a hat and whoever wins I will send a basket filled with goodies to!!! Does that make sense? If you comment on this entry, and also link my blog on yours using Baby Johnny's badge I will include in this drawing for the basket. Baby Johnny's badge is on my main blog page on the top left side, it says "pray for Johnny Giovanni" :) You must post within the next 24 hours. So you have until Saturday at 11PM MST.

(This is NOT the actual basket, but it will be something along this line)

I think this will be super fun and give me a change to meet new bloggers :D Please share this with your friends!! I will do the drawing Sunday morning!! So until tomorrow all my blog friends, goodnight.

Hopping in Triangles

Last night I had my Mary Kay Facial party...oh what a blast we had! But let me start before the party. I was just feeling really down yesterday. We are having some issues with our new apartment complex management. Without going into full detail, it just sucks. So my day kinda started out crappy. Our car is acting up again, so on top of the apartments is our car. Then I realized my son's scrapbook is done. Your book is done baby Johnny. I feel so.....miserable. I thought it would give me a sense of accomplishment when I completed it, but again that's just me grasping at some hope of happiness, that has yet to come. I miss you baby Johnny Giovanni. You would have been 2 months and 3 weeks old today. I bet you would have been rolling, probably only one way, and getting stuck against the walls. I wonder what size clothes you would have been wearing? Still in newborn or already in 3-6 months? Did you hear me cry myself to sleep last night son?

The Mary Kay party did, however, lift my spirits. We all had a good time, and when the consultant asked about my son (his book was on the coffee table) I didn't cry and was actually happy that someone else brought him up, and not me. I simply said "He was stillborn." WITH CONFIDENCE!! Thank you Lindsey for bringing up my son :) Anyway for your viewing pleasure some of my Mary Kay Party Pics!!

I can't wait for our color party next Saturday!! That should be great! Thanks again Lindsey!!

Last night I read a story on facebook, it literally made me sick to my stomach. Baby Brianna was a five month old baby that was molested and beaten by her uncle, father, and mother. She was ONLY FIVE MONTHS OLD!!! The world is a sick and twisted place! I just don't understand why God would give people like this babies but take mine and so many others away? What life lesson are we to learn by burying/cremating our children? What life lesson was that precious little baby Brianna supposed to learn by going through so much in her little 5 months? The world just makes me sad.

My rainbow seems to be diminishing. Its not quite time to tell but I looked out early for my rainbow and it wasn't there yet, which made me even more depressed.

I'm trying out another $5 dollar dinner tonight. I have in my crockpot right now Crockpot Chicken and Dumplings, I used the biscuits in the recipe and also made my OWN cream of chicken soup . Of course I will post pictures tomorrow and an update on how it came out!

I was reading my blog yesterday and realized that even though this blog is supposed to be dedicated to my precious son I have posted very few pictures of him. I have a limited number of pictures of baby Johnny, but I do have some, so for your viewing pleasure, my precious baby boy. If you are easily offended by pictures of dead children then you probably shouldn't scroll down, but then again if you were easily offended by children dying, why would you be reading my blog anyway? Maybe that was harsh, but seriously kind of the truth. *shrugs* Here is Mr. Johnny Giovanni

March 14, 2009

All in all today is not a good day....and that makes me even more sad. Just when I thought I was pulling myself out, somehow the grief sucked me back in.

To answer the Writers Workshop question...If you could cut back on something in your life that takes up your time what would it be? And what would you prefer to spend that time doing?

My answer? Crying. I would LOVE to cut back on all the time I spend crying and being sad. I wish I could put all that emotion into something more positive, but at this point its so difficult, it almost seems moot. Maybe, just maybe, I need to watch more comedies so I can learn to laugh again, at the little things.

Wishful Thinking

So today I finally received baby Johnny's Certificate of Birth Resulting in Stillbirth. I really thought when I received this certificate I would be happy, but I wasn't. It just made me more sad, the reality just sunk in that he is gone and never coming back. I know its been 2.5 months but it took this long and seeing that certificate just made it more tangible. I miss my son, this wasn't how is was supposed to be. I guess, in my mind, I was thinking this certificate would give me some sort of happiness. That's just me grasping at something...anything...that has to do with my son, grasping at that slight chance of happiness that has yet to come and probably doesn't exist.

Big Johnny hasn't seen his Mom in over a year; since he moved back up to Phoenix. Tonight his Mom and brother had a layover in the Phoenix airport so we went to spend some time with them. It was nice. Big Johnny enjoyed spending time with his family and I enjoyed showing off my sons scrapbook. Big Johnny's little brother, Kevin, has gotten so big in this past year. He is 13 now and was talking to a girl on his cell phone. Respectfully, of course, but still talking to a girl. And with such confidence! I was amazed. The visit was short lived however, and after only 2 hours, they had to depart to their next plane. Hopefully we will see them again before the end of the summer.

I keep thinking what this visit would have been like had my son actually been there. Had my son actually lived. He would be almost three months old. I'm sure his grandma would have doted over him and his uncle would have loved meeting and holding him. God, I miss him. I know I say that everyday, and yet it doesn't seem to be enough. When will this agony of "what ifs" end?

Tomorrow evening is my Mary Kay facial party. Yes I won a FREE Mary Kay Facial party for me and my friends/family. It should be fun!! I'm excited. Still don't know what I'm going to serve yet.

The word for today is toasted.

Frustration

Why oh why, God, did you take away the only thing I've wanted for two years? I know to a lot of people two years might not seem like a long time, but it was and still is for me. Why did my son get ripped away instead of being with his Mother??? No one can take care of him like me, no one can nurse him and kiss his "cucos" when he falls down. Only I can do that!! I hate all the pregnant women in the world I feel like they have the one thing that I wanted. I hate all the
women who have babies and don't truly appreciate what they have, I wish I could just take them all home with me. I especially hate people that act like having a child is such an inconvenience. "Oh I had to send "insert random child's name" to "insert my friends/grandparents/etc" because they were just driving me crazy." Didn't you just have your child three months ago and you are already sending him away? Way to go Super Mom! I hate it, and no one understands why this frustrates me so much! Not saying I am a perfect Mommy or would have been perfect with baby Johnny but I would have tried my best and been the best Mommy I could be, and sometimes, just sometimes, I think that maybe I could be a Super Mom.

I've been feeling so sick lately, trying not to get my hopes up though, its too early to know if its a rainbow or not. If you have lost a child, then I'm sure you know what I'm talking about, and if you haven't then you aren't supposed to know. Ha. Yes, I'm being secretive, for now.

I found a wonderful women today who does Angel Announcements. She made some for me, and they are just beautiful!! I encourage any angel mommy to contact her! She did such a wonderful job!! Her name is Ellen and her website is Little Lamb Design Thank you again Ellen!! I can't wait to receive these announcements and of course I will post pictures of them when I do receive them!

Its taken me this long to pull myself together enough to get announcements even made. These past 2.5 months have seemed like a blur, this is the most devastating time in my life thus far, and I pray to God that He doesn't give me anymore because at this point I don't think I can handle it. I wish I was as strong as He thinks I am, or as strong as others think I am, but I am not. Announcing your child is supposed to be such a happy time, a time for celebration, not a time for mourning. So as I sit here with empty arms, an empty soul, and a heavy heart, I say thank you to all who have been supportive of me during this time in my life. This is something I shall never forget. Thank you, my family, my friends, my internet friends, my angel mommy friends, and of course my avid blog readers. Without you all I would be lost. You are much appreciated.