Thursday, April 30, 2009

Pa-gina

I trudged down to my apartments corporate office today and got the rental verification faxed to our future apartments with little to no yelling (or jelling as Johnny would call it, lol). So today started off pretty well. I think I scared the girl in the verification office half to death, I guess I'm pretty intimidating. *shrugs* I'd be intimidated to by a Mom on a mission. Anyway I'm glad to announce we got approved for our new apartment and will be moving on the 29th of May! Yay!! Finally something good happens in my life!

Since Johnny and I got up at 7 am and headed out with no breakfast we decided to head to McDonalds (healthy right?) to have some coffee and breakfast. On the way back home, I told Johnny, "The swine flu had an outbreak very close to your job, you need to make sure you are sanatizing everything before you use it...mouse, phone, chair, etc. And sanatize your hands when before you get in the car and then before you come into the house after work." He replies that I'm being paranoid. Tuff, deal with it. I just lost my son I will be paranoid. (I keep getting a vision of this little casket and one of my kids being in it. *shudders* No good) So I say, "Its better to be safe than sorry, I dont want you to get it and pass it on to one of the kids and have them die." and he says....are you ready for this?? "Yeah that would be a LITTLE sad." A LITTLE?!! He says,"Poor choice of words." NOOOOOOOO! A poor choice of words would be "Honey, those pants make you look a little fat." or "This food is a little burned." Not "It would be a little sad if one of the kids DIE!" I wasn't a "little sad" when baby Johnny died, I was distraught, heartbroken, bitter, heartsick, depressed, grief-stricken, wistful....wait aren't this the same emotions that I posted I was feeling yesterday? Wow. A little sad.

Annissa is still feeling a little sick, but she is actually much better than before. However, because of the outbreak near her school, I want to pull her out for the rest of the year. She only has 26 days of school left...and all they do is review after AIMS. My best friend is a teacher and told me the school year should end with AIMS anyway since they dont teach them anything new after the testing. Sad right? Yeah I might want to live in a bubble but like I said I'd rather be safe than end up attending yet another of my childrens funerals. One a year is all I can handle right now. Did that come across as serious? Sarcasm here folks, its the only way to get thru.

Now where did I put my mask?

Wednesday, April 29, 2009

Unfair

I can't even put all my emotions into words. I'm angry, bitter, jealous, sad, miserable, testy, on edge, and anxious, just to name a few.

I hate the apartments we live in, we are trying desperately to move (been trying since December) but these apartments have such a hold on us. They dont want to send out our rental history which every apartment complex needs in order to approve you. We have had to jump threw so many hoops its ridiculous. I just want....no no...I NEED to be away from all the memories of this apartment. Every nook and cranny reminds me of my son. Not to mention we just need more space. Now we only have until tommorow for this apartment complex to send over our rental history to the new complex so we can move. Not to mention we HAD to put in our 30 day notice BEFORE they sent our history, so now we could end up with no place at all! Ugh! I have gone so far as to contact the local news channel here. All I want is to move away, why is this complex making it so difficult for us?

Annissa is sick, I had to take her to Phoenix Childrens Hospital last night. There were so many babies everywhere, I just longed to hold them all. Is it me or does it seem like there are more and more babies now than before I lost my son? Am I going crazy? Anyway, thanks to GOD Annissa only has a viral infection. While I was sitting in the ER, I seen the clergy, and all I could think was oh no! Not another dead baby! Why do I always have to think that way?

*sigh*

I think I left my mask somewhere. Let me just draw some rainbows and sunshine because "happy thoughts lead to happy moods". No grasshopper, you are wrong. Its my life and I'll cry if I want to!

I cant even watch TV anymore. I used to watch The Secret Life of an American Teenager. The last epiosde the main character (a pregnant teen) has her baby boy and names him.....yeah you'd guessed it, John. I know John is a common name, but so is Tim, Alex, Mark, Adam, etc. Why John?

I seen a girl last night that couldnt have been more than 16 years old with a baby. Her baby was in a carrier carseat and she had him sitting on the ground. ON THE GROUND....of a parking lot at night with no blanket. I just wanted to shake the crap out of her and take her baby away from her. I told Big Johnny this and he looked at me like I was insane. "You want to take her baby? Thats not normal, thats horrible!" No whats horrible is the fact that she is only 16, has a baby, and can't take care of it correctly and my baby is nothing more than some ashes now! Then my anger turned to sadness and I just wanted to crawl under the seat of the car and never come out.

I think I dropped my mask again......

Butterflys, rainbows, horseshoes, and clovers.....now i sound like the Lucky Charms guy....

I need a vacation from myself.

Tuesday, April 28, 2009

Monday, April 27, 2009

Life...

I feel like I'm dying on the inside. Like if you looked inside of me, everything would be black and corroded. Its like my body just wants to shut down and I don't have the energy or want to stop it. My emotions are taking a turn for the worse and I feel like I'm reaching out to people with no avail. No one knows what I'm really feeling because I put on a happy face on the outside like everything is just fine when I just want to scream at the top of my lungs, "I'm NOT ok!!"

I keep playing the 'what-if' and 'why' game with myself, neither are fun, nor have an ending. I know I've said it before but I feel completely alone, and part of me wants to just be alone. To not have to answer to anyone and be free to fade away into the dust with my son.

My heart literally hurts and I feel like I'm going to have a heart attack, the grief is so strong. What have I done in my life that was so bad that I deserve this? Please, GOD tell me, so I can fix it and never do it again!

I realized today, while making Johnny's baby book, that he will never see it. I knew that from the start, but it finally hit me today, that he will never look through his book and point out his baby pics and say "me!" Why am I making it? Whats the point? Whats the point of anything anymore?

I don't have any answers and neither does anyone else. I just want my son back in my tummy where he belongs. I want my 'normal' life back, I want my innocence back. None of these things are going to happen. So let me put on that fake smile and go about my life like nothing is wrong, until I can meet my son again at the Gates. I keep telling myself that, but for how long can I go on knowing that I don't want to be here going through these mindless motions?? There are women that have gone 2 or 3 or 10 years since having a stillbirth and I just don't see myself in that position. I can't see myself being 2 years into it; I just can't.

Why did He take such a pure innocent life?

*sigh*

Let me put on my mask and get back to my fake existence.

Photobucket

Sunday, April 26, 2009

Grief is like a rollercoaster....

I've been checking the mail daily almost stalking my mailman, awaiting the arrival of my son's birth certificate. My long awaited certificate FINALLY arrived in the mail on Friday. I took the big manila envelope into my car and sat with shaky hands, opening it so delicately as if my son were actually in this envelope. I pulled out the sheets of paper and to my dismay it was a death certificate...again. My head dropped and again came the water works. Why does everything go wrong when it comes to my son?? I don't think I ask for much. I have come to terms with the fact that my son is gone and he is never coming back, but I can't I just have one thing, just one thing, that shows that my son did in fact live??? *sigh* So here I sit with now three copies of a certificate rubbing it into my face that my son is dead. I'm angry and I'm just so tired of being angry all the time.

Yesterday was the 6 week mark, shouldnt it be getting easier now? Shouldn't I be able to breath slightly? No, and I dont think I ever will. I think I will forever mourn my son, unlike the rest of the world, who seems to be forgetting about him. I refuse to let him be forgotten and I will always talk about my son. Johnny lived for 31.4 weeks and although now he is gone, his memory will live on forever. Anyone who can't accept that must not really be my friend. I love when other people talk about my son without me bringing him up, I love to hear his name, and I love when other people remember....remember anything about him. He was special, he was my squishy. He was perfect. Why can't others see that?

I think I'm actually getting depressed now. I dont think I was before, before I was just sad, but now its getting harder and harder to get out of bed. I just want to sleep all day everyday. I dont want to be bothered with the everyday things of life. I feel like why bother? It seems like no one wants to be around me because I'm so sad and the truth be told I dont want to be around anyone either. I just want to be alone, alone in myself to mourn my son for however long I need to. I just want to stay in bed with the covers over my head holding my sons urn and cry until I feel better. That relief never comes. I dont think it will.

Saturday, April 25, 2009

Dream

I had a dream last night. I was walking through a, for a lack of a better word, forest with thick green trees and green grass. The sun was shining through the trees brightly and it glistened off the dew on the grass. I remember just walking and feeling so at peace and thinking how beautiful this place was. (I live in Phoenix, Arizona so there is no big grassy foresty type places here) Then as I am walking along, I feel a presence. It was my son, Johnny, he was there and he was watching me. I couldn’t see him and I didn’t say anything to him, but I felt him, I know he was there with me. This was the first time I have ever felt/heard/seen him in my dreams. I was so overcome with emotion. I miss my son so much that at times I feel like I'm going crazy. This dream, however, made me feel so content, so serene. Now I know for a fact that my son walks with me. That he is here with me, and I love that feeling.

I just wish I could find this place. I want to visit it and take pictures, somehow write his name in the grass...if that makes any sense. I want so badly to connect with him like I did in my dream. Oh how I long to feel his presence so clearly while I'm awake.

This dream however gave me courage and the desire to finally begin my son’s memory book. It was invigorating to put all the pieces together; to me it was like writing a book about his life. I only got the first four pages done, but it just felt so good to put all my feelings down into this book.

Thank you son for giving me strength once again and for watching over Johnny and me, as well as your big sister and brother. We all love and miss you baby and we will meet again, at the gates of Heaven. I'm sure of it.

Frustration

After a month of agony I finally received a glimmer of hope. In 2001 the Arizona Legislature established a new certificate entitled "Certificate of Birth Resulting in Stillbirth." This new certificate became available from the Office of Vital Records beginning August 9, 2001. Finally a document stating that my son did in fact live, and not just die like his death certificate would implicate!!

So on April 14th the day that my son, Johnny Giovanni, would have been one month old, I ventured downtown to obtain a copy of this wonderful certificate. After waiting for what seemed like a lifetime in a cramped waiting room filled with newborns and happy smiling mothers, our number was called. We sat in front of a window while this woman typed away at her computer. After 20 minutes or so she asks, “Ok so what day did he die?” What a horrible traumatic question, isn’t that why we filled out the paperwork and handed it to her? So she wouldn’t have to ask these questions? “He was born still.” Is all I could manage to reply. She kept typing away at her computer. A little while later she asks “So what day was he born?” With my eyes watering and my chin quivering, I reply, “He was born still.” The tears began to spill over and she continued typing away at her computer. Thirty minutes or so passed (apparently she was having problems figuring out how to fill out a Certificate of Birth Resulting in Stillbirth even though our son was the 108th stillborn child born in Arizona this year) she finally handed us a paper and told us to take it to window four. Finally I thought, my reward for sitting her listening to these people “ooooo” and “aaaaaww” over their newborn children, finally I’m going to get Johnny’s birth certificate! A gruff looking older woman sat behind window 4, we handed her the paper, and in return she shoved a receipt into my hand. “What is this?” I ask. “It’s your receipt of purchase; you should receive your DEATH certificate in the mail in about 5-7 days.” NO!!!! I requested a birth certificate! “Yes you will receive it in 5-7 days.” She restated. After all this waiting, listening, watching, looking, at all these babies, I leave once again, empty handed. I was wheeled out of Arrowhead Hospital just a month ago after delivering my perfect little son Johnny Giovanni, empty handed and now here I am again, exactly one month later, leaving a building where I thought I would receive something, empty handed. My arms ache to be filled. I am so angry and hurt. Big Johnny says “You are so angry at the world, why?” Why?? I thought he of all people would understand why, but no he does not. So again, I’m empty handed, empty hearted, alone, and angry. When will the pain and devastation of losing my son subside? Don’t I deserve a day without tears? Don’t I deserve a day to be happy…even an hour or a minute? Something? I still feel alone, like no one will ever understand. So maybe it’s me that needs to conform my emotions to the world, because no one unless you’ve been there will understand what it’s like to deliver a dead baby and deal with the anger, frustration, failure, and unhappiness for the rest of your life.

Friday, April 24, 2009

Johnny Giovanni born still, but still born.

On March 14, 2009 my son was born still. And as odd as it sounds, I had premonitions that something was going to happen to my son even before this. When I was pregnant with my daughter, Annissa, I was happy, never had bad feelings or worried something would happen. Then I got pregnant with my first son, AJ, and I thought for sure he was going to be stillborn. I was almost obsessed I guess you can say, I read forums DAILY, and constantly was at the ER thinking that something was going to be wrong, but nothing was. He was born a healthy little boy. This pregnancy with my son Johnny was completely different. I kept looking at survival rates, thinking he was going to be born too soon and that the doctors wouldnt be able to save him. I was hesitant about buying anything really for him and even scared to bring home the carseat. I couldnt picture him wearing any of the little clothes I bought him, it was so strange. I kept telling Big Johnny that something just didnt feel right with this pregnancy that it was just completely different. He reassured me telling me no two pregnancies are the same, which he's right, but it didnt settle my nerves. I just felt like something was wrong, very wrong. Johnny was "born" on a Saturday, but the Wednesday before that I started to feel very crappy like maybe I was getting the flu, then the contractions started, which I had throughout the entire pregnancy. So I just kinda blew it off thinking nothing was wrong. However over the Thursday and Friday it got worse, until Saturday I just couldnt take it anymore and I HAD to go to the ER. I went thinking they were going to tell me I was fine and that there was nothing wrong and send me on my way. What a shock it was when they told me that my son was no more! I felt panicked as if i was stuck in a nightmare and couldnt wake up! Even thinking of that day now, makes me sick to my stomach and my eyes well up with tears. I would never wish the death of a child onto my worst enemy. Children should NEVER die. But they do, and mine did. And everyday I kick myself for not going to the ER sooner, maybe they could have saved my son. Who knows? But I have to keep telling myself that God took him for a reason. He chose me out of all my sisters, my mom, my grandma, friends, etc to carry this little person that only needed to stay here for a little while before returning to Heaven. God will not give you more than you can handle and He knew that I would be strong enough to endure this. But it hurts, everyday it hurts. Everytime I see someone pregnant, or a newborn baby, or an abused child, it hurts even more. Why do THEY get to have their babies here on Earth but mine was taken away before he even got to take a breath? I have to be strong and its not easy.....I miss you son. I will never forget you, ever. I love you.