Friday, April 24, 2009
On March 14, 2009 my son was born still. And as odd as it sounds, I had premonitions that something was going to happen to my son even before this. When I was pregnant with my daughter, Annissa, I was happy, never had bad feelings or worried something would happen. Then I got pregnant with my first son, AJ, and I thought for sure he was going to be stillborn. I was almost obsessed I guess you can say, I read forums DAILY, and constantly was at the ER thinking that something was going to be wrong, but nothing was. He was born a healthy little boy. This pregnancy with my son Johnny was completely different. I kept looking at survival rates, thinking he was going to be born too soon and that the doctors wouldnt be able to save him. I was hesitant about buying anything really for him and even scared to bring home the carseat. I couldnt picture him wearing any of the little clothes I bought him, it was so strange. I kept telling Big Johnny that something just didnt feel right with this pregnancy that it was just completely different. He reassured me telling me no two pregnancies are the same, which he's right, but it didnt settle my nerves. I just felt like something was wrong, very wrong. Johnny was "born" on a Saturday, but the Wednesday before that I started to feel very crappy like maybe I was getting the flu, then the contractions started, which I had throughout the entire pregnancy. So I just kinda blew it off thinking nothing was wrong. However over the Thursday and Friday it got worse, until Saturday I just couldnt take it anymore and I HAD to go to the ER. I went thinking they were going to tell me I was fine and that there was nothing wrong and send me on my way. What a shock it was when they told me that my son was no more! I felt panicked as if i was stuck in a nightmare and couldnt wake up! Even thinking of that day now, makes me sick to my stomach and my eyes well up with tears. I would never wish the death of a child onto my worst enemy. Children should NEVER die. But they do, and mine did. And everyday I kick myself for not going to the ER sooner, maybe they could have saved my son. Who knows? But I have to keep telling myself that God took him for a reason. He chose me out of all my sisters, my mom, my grandma, friends, etc to carry this little person that only needed to stay here for a little while before returning to Heaven. God will not give you more than you can handle and He knew that I would be strong enough to endure this. But it hurts, everyday it hurts. Everytime I see someone pregnant, or a newborn baby, or an abused child, it hurts even more. Why do THEY get to have their babies here on Earth but mine was taken away before he even got to take a breath? I have to be strong and its not easy.....I miss you son. I will never forget you, ever. I love you.
at 6:06 PM