Friday, April 24, 2009

Johnny Giovanni born still, but still born.

On March 14, 2009 my son was born still. And as odd as it sounds, I had premonitions that something was going to happen to my son even before this. When I was pregnant with my daughter, Annissa, I was happy, never had bad feelings or worried something would happen. Then I got pregnant with my first son, AJ, and I thought for sure he was going to be stillborn. I was almost obsessed I guess you can say, I read forums DAILY, and constantly was at the ER thinking that something was going to be wrong, but nothing was. He was born a healthy little boy. This pregnancy with my son Johnny was completely different. I kept looking at survival rates, thinking he was going to be born too soon and that the doctors wouldnt be able to save him. I was hesitant about buying anything really for him and even scared to bring home the carseat. I couldnt picture him wearing any of the little clothes I bought him, it was so strange. I kept telling Big Johnny that something just didnt feel right with this pregnancy that it was just completely different. He reassured me telling me no two pregnancies are the same, which he's right, but it didnt settle my nerves. I just felt like something was wrong, very wrong. Johnny was "born" on a Saturday, but the Wednesday before that I started to feel very crappy like maybe I was getting the flu, then the contractions started, which I had throughout the entire pregnancy. So I just kinda blew it off thinking nothing was wrong. However over the Thursday and Friday it got worse, until Saturday I just couldnt take it anymore and I HAD to go to the ER. I went thinking they were going to tell me I was fine and that there was nothing wrong and send me on my way. What a shock it was when they told me that my son was no more! I felt panicked as if i was stuck in a nightmare and couldnt wake up! Even thinking of that day now, makes me sick to my stomach and my eyes well up with tears. I would never wish the death of a child onto my worst enemy. Children should NEVER die. But they do, and mine did. And everyday I kick myself for not going to the ER sooner, maybe they could have saved my son. Who knows? But I have to keep telling myself that God took him for a reason. He chose me out of all my sisters, my mom, my grandma, friends, etc to carry this little person that only needed to stay here for a little while before returning to Heaven. God will not give you more than you can handle and He knew that I would be strong enough to endure this. But it hurts, everyday it hurts. Everytime I see someone pregnant, or a newborn baby, or an abused child, it hurts even more. Why do THEY get to have their babies here on Earth but mine was taken away before he even got to take a breath? I have to be strong and its not easy.....I miss you son. I will never forget you, ever. I love you.

15 comments:

  1. Oh how I know that question. It's my question too. 'If only I had gone to the hospital the night of the twenty-seventh, when he told me I looked pale....'
    The doctors even told me the same thing...
    I'n new to your blog but catching up. I'm really sorry that you lost your sweet son. There are no words really, just 'sorry'.
    Hoping you find some healing. I prayed for you.
    xoxoLindsaY

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  2. I came across your blog from another blogger,I jsut wanted to say... I know how you are feeling.I lost my first son at 19 weeks gestation,he was born and lived for 6 hours.I know what you mean about not wanting anyone to forget your child, I still struggle with that today. Just know there are many of us out there, who know how you are feeling. It brings comfort to know that there are others for me to connect with. I'm so sorry you lost your beautiful son Johnny. Your in my prayers!
    http://myboysmygreatestgiftsinlife.blogspot.com/

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  3. I'm so, so sorry. I also lost my son recently, and I feel all the things you wrote about. The what if's, the why me's, and the why them's. Thinking of you and Johnny.

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  4. I'm so sorry that little Johnny isn't here with you. I lost my daughter in January of 2008 and I agree that no one should have to go through this pain. I pray for you and your family, and know that my Delaney and your Johnny are playing in heaven, healthy and happy and watching over us.

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  5. Of all the blogs I have read so far I can relate to yours the best. The emotions are so raw and so real. I am so sorry you have to be a part of this club. My little boy was due on May 15 that was the day I was to have my C-section. I am just so sorry for you and your family.

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  6. i am heartbroken and crying. he is so beautiful, that God wanted him so soon. your strength is inspiring.

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  7. I am so sorry about your little Johnny. A beautiful little angel. I so wish I could hug all mommies so the pain can go away. I have learn to live without my son and are truly blessed with 3 other healthy babies. I still miss him, but one day we will be together again. Hugs :)

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  8. Lynda..I felt every word on your blog..I remember feeling the same emotions after Kristopher was lost tous..My heart is with you and your family..It is still so very new..Im living proof that you do get through..It is damn hard though..I remember feeling like we were losing our marriage as well..But we made it tho we have had so many rough patches..I hope I can be here if you ever need to talk..Its a long hard road..But you arent alone..xo Terralynn

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  9. I just stumbled across your blog through the babyloss blog directory.

    My daughter was born still December 27, 2006. 2.5 years through this journey, I can promise you that it does get easier. When our little girl died, I asked my husband when it would get better-- he responded to me that, "I don't think it will ever get better, but Deb, it has to get easier." He was so right.

    Your heart will always be broken- nothing will ever be the same, but you will learn how to get through it. How to handle the emotions that you do feel and will feel.

    I am sorry you know what this feels like too, but maybe you can take a little bit of comfort knowing there are so many of us out here that would take some of your grief if we could, and walk this road with you. xxxxoooo

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  10. I'm so sorry about your son, Johnny.

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  11. I stumbled across your blog today as I search for other moms like me. My son was stillborn almost 3 months ago now on April 30, 2009. I didn't even know anything was wrong until the nurses started prepping me for my scheduled c-section. Levi had been kicking the night before.

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  12. He will never give you more than you can handle... in HIS strength, not in yours. Trust in, cling to, rely on, believe in Him, and He will faithfully help you. Promise.

    Please do not live in guilt. You could not have known, or done differently because you did not know what would happen. Guilt will eat you alive...

    And, you will always remember, always have a little ache, but... the powerful pain that threatens to suffocate-- that dulls just a little bit with passing time.

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  13. dear lynda,

    I am currently working for the department of agriculture where I study citrus trees. Today while I was out I was looking in a tree and saw a balloon with a note attached. I removed the note and placed in my pocket and thought nothing more of it until after work. I wondered if it had been sent by a child as I had so often done. I always wondered where those notes went. I have the note, and if you would like to contact me to get it back to put in baby johnny's book let me know. ryanroundy@hotmail.com
    My thoughts and prayers are with you. May God bless you.
    Ryan

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  14. i feel your pain ..trust me i have lose two ....over 4 years ago..it not easy...

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  15. I am so very sorry for your loss. My best friend lost a baby to sids and I saw the pain they went through. Thoughts with you and your family.

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