Wednesday, June 11, 2014

Conceal

my mind goes in a million different directions. I awake in a cold sweat fighting off imaginary monsters - no one there. It's just me. Alone. The memories play over again in my head. I try to shake them away but they are always there. The evilness that corrupted our home was not from the other side, no, instead it came from within. HE was that evil. Thats why it followed us everywhere we went. I should have left, you dont have to tell me, I already know. I bent myself in ways I didn't know were possible to appease him. You say my words are lies. The truth can be found within my children. Their actions tell the story from the past, I don't have to speak a word. Or will you say my babies are lying too? My heart aches, my head a mess. I will never trust again. How could I? But all these things I do not show. Im told to be strong. To move on. To just be happy. So I put on a fake smile for the world.

Sunday, March 30, 2014

The REAL Story


I haven't ever shared the REAL story of my little Johnny's loss, but I guess here is as good a place as any to share. This is the story in a nutshell. There is a lot of missing detail but honestly some of the details just hurt too much to share right now. I'm sure one day I'll be able to, just not right now.

I met big Johnny in the summer of 2007. The first time he hit me was December of 2007...well, not really hit me, he choked me. Same thing in my eyes. Anyway, I was shocked and stunned. This man who told me he loved me was....violent. I didn't understand. I started making excuses for his violence; it was because of something I said, something I did, I'll try to change myself. Then I got in the mindset of I'll try to change him. In April of 2008 Big Johnny and I moved in together. The violence continued. I continued to try to change him, self blame, you name it, I'm sure I used it as an excuse or justification of why it was happening/was OK to happen. On September 6, 2008 I found out I was pregnant. That morning Big Johnny choked me again, because I 'hid' his keys. I almost passed out. A few hours later, at work, I took a pregnancy test in which I discovered our pregnancy. I had an inclination before (obviously thats why I bought the test). I texted Big Johnny a picture of the test....his reply was "wow". He felt bad for a little while for being violent while I was pregnant (only because I was pregnant) but soon that feeling diminished and his violence began again. As a birthday present for Big Johnny, on January 28, 2009, I paid for and had a 3D ultrasound done. We found out that day our baby was a boy. The beginning of March I found out Big Johnny had been cheating on me for.... months. I had a severe panic attack and started contracting. When I went to the ER they calmed me down and told me baby was fine. Big Johnny promised he wouldn't cheat again but the violence got worse. He poured an entire bottle of water in my face as I was laying on my back. He bent my fingers back so far they almost broke. I constantly had bruises all over my body and the neighbors could hear me screaming. No one ever helped me. I felt incredibly alone although I never told anyone of how he really was behind closed doors. Everyone thought he was just the nicest guy ever. They really had no idea. On March 11, 2009, Big Johnny and I had a huge fight in which he pushed me up against the wall. My back hurt so badly but I was afraid to go to the ER. After that things just didn't "feel right" in my pregnancy. I felt sick and heavy. After three days of feeling this way I finally went to the ER. The nurses tried the dopplers and found no heart beat. They sent in an ultrasound tech who also couldn't find the heartbeat. My OB finally came in and confirmed that my baby was gone. My son was indeed DEAD. I had a c-section just a couple of hours later and on March 14, 2009 at 6:28PM my baby Johnny Giovanni was born into the arms of the Lord. I miss him with every fiber of my being. There is not a doubt in my mind that baby Johnny's demise was Big Johnny's doing. I know it in my heart. This picture is of my baby Johnny and the other is me holding baby Johnny's urn which is a teddy bear.




Saturday, March 29, 2014

Heart Break

Yesterday I literally felt my heart break into a million pieces. I sat outside as my little Annie and Abel played and Abel became fussy. I tried picking up him, rocking him, singing to him, a snack, a drink, to play, etc he wanted nothing. He walked over to a stranger, crying. This man bent down to his eye level and asked him "whats wrong little man? don't you want to eat your cookie?" Abel muttered an inaudible reply. "Take a bite of your cookie, you'll feel better." Abel listened. "Isn't that good? Keep your head up little man, its gonna be alright." Abel calmed down turned around with a huge smile on his face and looked at me. Turned back to the man and gave him a high five.

All he wanted was positive attention from a male role model.

My heart continues to break.

I can be supermom, but I can't be a male. No matter how hard I try. He NEEDS a positive male role model in his life and as much as I've been dragging my feet on wanting to date again, I have to, for my kids because its quite apparent that their "father" does not want to nor have time to be a father to them. So now, I have the task of finding a worthy male as not only a companion for myself but a father figure for my children.

Single parent-dom blows.

Sunday, March 23, 2014

That that don't kill me; Can only make me stronger

I've had people ask, why do you write in this blog? Why don't you open up to me? Why don't you trust me?

Reason? I have had people in the past ask those same exact questions, and I trusted them, I let them in, and they betrayed me. "But Lynda you shouldn't let those people dis-sway you." No, I probably shouldn't but if everytime you ate a strawberry it was moldy or wasn't ripe yet, you probably wouldn't want to eat strawberries again, right? Thats pretty much where I am. I don't think I will ever fully trust anyone again. I've wasted so much of my life on people who really didn't care about me or my children. Thats time and memories that I can never replace; but from that I have learned that everyone is out for something. No deed is done without a motive. And because of that, I won't EVER put my life in anyone's hands. I have to do whats best for my children and myself. I can't worry about others right now. That might sound selfish, in fact it DOES sound selfish, but in my defense I have given people chance after chance after chance to do the RIGHT thing and it hasn't happened. We can't sit around forever waiting, hoping, praying that it will happen. Its time to move on...and let go.

As for my babies, well, its sad they have to grow up without a daddy, but I grew up for the most part without a daddy and you know what? My mom is the strongest person I know. I vow to be strong for my babies like she always was for us. She isn't perfect by any means but she sure the heck is strong. One mistake I think she made, is she let my dad be a drop in daddy. Whenever he felt like "playing dad" she let him come by, I can't do that to my kids. You had your chance to be a real father and you blew it. My kids aren't a game and I won't let anyone treat them as such. So for now, I'm mommy and daddy. I'm all they have and I will be rock solid for THEM. Our future is scary as hell and I'm terrified, but I will NEVER show them that. My supermom cape will forever stay on....


Saturday, March 22, 2014

This about sums it up...




Wednesday, March 19, 2014

Pain

when you told me you loved me
i truly believed it
the first time you hit me
i could hardly believe it
i shrugged it off to you having a bad day
the next time you did it 
you were just stressed out
a baby on the way hard to clout
you pinched and slapped me again today
you can't find a job its not easy
i'll fix you it will be ok
this time we lost the baby
i want to go
but don't know how
i want another baby
only you can help me now
I beg and plead
I finally get the courage to go
the stick has to lines
the baby has started to grow
you promise to change
the change actually comes
for a whole nine months
youre like a soft strum
our daughter arrives
so perfect and innocent
the pain starts again
i thought it was finished
the stick turns pink once again
will i ever get ouf of this hell i'm in?
our son is born and theres something wrong
i voice to the drs and told the same song
he doesn't talk
he only screams
no kisses on the lips
no hugs for me
I finally get away
but it still hurts inside
the pain we endured
will live with us all our lives



Monday, March 17, 2014

Angst....

Creepy feelings...

I've always had them, and they have always meant something. Lately I've just been uncomfortable, anxious, and upset. Something is coming. I know it is. But what? I don't like this. Not one bit.

I've also been questioning my spirituality. Life is't making sense. Where is the happily ever after? I know its real life and that doesn't exist, but where are all these blessings everyone boasts about? I have been blessed, in many ways, but lately I just feel so disconnected.

I think I need help.