Sleep Where Art Thou?

I think in three months I may have gotten about 4 hours of sleep total. I feel guilty even writing about how tired I am, how draining Anaiese is, how much of a high needs baby she is...when there are so many out there that would love just to fill their arms with an infant, so badly that it hurts. I remember those days. I do. But I feel I need to vent and I hope I don't hurt anyone along the way. I'm just exhausted. She cries nearly all day and all night. She rarely naps and when she does its only for 20 mins or so. She wakes up 5-6 times a night, sucks on a bottle for a few seconds and then goes back to sleep. I wish I could go back to sleep so easily. I toss and turn just long enough to get comfy and then be awoken again. Please BTDT mommies of high needs babies, reassure me this isn't forever, it will end sometime, that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. I'm so tired I can't even think straight. I love my daughter, more than life. I just wish she would sleep.

October 2011

Another October is upon us. October used to be my favorite month, and I guess in a way it still is. I love Halloween and dressing up, watching the kids pick a pumpkin and decorate it. The changes in the weather and the leaves color, although we don't get that here in Arizona. Not only do I love all the gouls of October, but I also love that October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness month. Stillbirth is still taboo in America. When stillbirth is brought to light its quickly and never gone into detail. No, its not pretty, its not nice, its not something I'd wish on ANYONE - but it DOES happen and people NEED to be aware. How many OB's really push kick counts? How many times have you heard "drink something cold and sugary and lie down on your side" if the baby isn't moving? Sad to say by that time your baby could be gone. Society in general needs to know that stillbirth happens, more than you think. 1 in every 200 births ends in a stillborn child. Thats more than SIDS, yet not spoken about even half as much. Please, if you know someone that is pregnant, or are pregnant yourself, read some of the information I have posted in the links on the left side of my blog, count your kicks and record them, and most of all - don't let anyone else tell you what is best for you or for your baby. I wish I had all this information before my son died, maybe things would have been different....or maybe not. Either way for October 14, 2011 I remember Johnny Giovanni who was taken much too soon on March 14, 2009. My beautiful baby would have been a handsome toddler by now. I miss you Squishy and I will never forget.

Time Heals All Wounds....Doesn't It??

I thought it was supposed to get easier after awhile...but instead its getting harder. I started therapy recently. The counselor told me it would get harder for awhile before it gets easier. Its like re opening a wound. I feel like I can't breathe, its like a panic attack on top of another panic attack. They barely have time to calm down before another one comes on. I hate hate hate the 14th. I hate this day and everything about it. How long until it gets easier? I guess only time will tell. Has anyone reading this gone through grief counseling before? How long did it take before it got easier? Its all at the surface right now, like it just happened yesterday. After to recollect everything all over again makes my stomach turn. I feel sick and dizzy; out of breathe. I hate this.

Grief sucks.

He's never too far away...

Its been forever since I have written to you all. It seems like I never have time anymore...something I'm sure many of you long for....something that I longed for and am lucky enough to say I now have. Something prompted me to write here a couple of days ago and now that I actually have a free moment - I decided to share with you my experience.

The other day I was siting on the couch, holding Annie while she slept (like always) and was attempting to have a snack - some Sun Chips. I was sitting on the edge of the couch so I couldn't see behind me, when all of a sudden I hear "Mommy, can I have some chips?" I thought it was my older daughter Annissa (since we were the only ones home at the time) I turned around and no one was there. I thought Annissa was pulling a prank on me so I called her - she was at the end of the hall in her room with the door closed. There would have been no way she could have gotten there that fast, plus I would have heard the door. The only explanation I have - and it might sound crazy - is baby Johnny was just letting me know he was here (and apparently likes Sun Chips. :)

I miss my son. A ton.

Ramblings

I've been having nightmares. Horrible demented nightmares. Things that I won't even post here because even talking about them, thinking about them makes goosebumps appear on my arms. I thought it would be easier once my Annie was here safe and sound, but it just opens up a world of more fears. What could go wrong today? Car accidents, I could slip and fall while carrying her, SIDS, etc the list just goes on and on. With Mother's day quickly approaching I can't help but yearn for those little scribbled "cards" and on the fly kisses that I'm missing from what should be my two year old. Happy Mothers day indeed.

Sigh.

The Burdens That We Carry

Yesterday was the 14th. Even after 25 months I still hate and dread this date every month (will that ever go away? - I'm starting to think not) I looked through his little box on the 13th and as I did I felt like my heart was going to explode from my chest. I know it was anxiety, but I couldn't stop looking. Then I compared his little foot prints to Annies and that was about all I could bear when I seen that they looked almost identical. I frantically put everything away just as Big Johnny was walking in from work. I don't like to let him see me cry anymore so I hurriedly wiped away the tears as if everything was fine and dandy.

Why do I force myself to be strong around others? I don't know if its because I think they think its time for me to move, because of comments I've heard from people in the past, or....who knows? But I feel I must be strong and if that means hiding behind my emotions - so be it. I think a lot of it steams from the drama his second birthday/angelversary celebration steamed from. I had decided to throw my little Johnny a birthday party long before his second birthday arrived, but unlike last year, I had just wanted this year to be me, Big Johnny, and the kids. Big Johnny said we should invite my family. For some reason I knew it was going to bring forth drama.....and it did. I had a sister who refused to bring her children to the celebration because she said it would "physiologically damaging" to them, yet she had brought them to previous functions for baby Johnny. This hurt deeply, it cut me so deep I don't think that wound will ever heal. My mother didn't attend either because she doesn't like my sisters boyfriend and I had it at my sisters house. My OWN mother! Slice two - another wound that will never heal. But I had a little party for him nonetheless and two of my sisters came with their families and it was nice. But those wounds still hurt. Two weeks later I had a birthday party for my little Annissa who turned nine this year. My mother didn't attend again. Didn't even call my daughter to say happy birthday. Its ok though I made sure she had a nice birthday. Just makes me sad that a grandmother/mother refuses to be there for certain children and grandchildren. But this makes me stronger as well. I KNOW that I will NEVER be like this to my children or grandchildren and it makes me cherish my children that much more.

Hence my need to be strong - for myself and for my children. Ah well we each carry our own burdens I guess.

Afraid

The anxiety of having my rainbow baby here and alive I think is worse than when I was pregnant; waiting and hoping she'd be born alive. Now I watch her breathe and hope and pray I never see her take her last breath. Night time sleeping evades me. I'm afraid the moment I fall asleep something will happen to her. The only way I can sleep if she is right next to me and sometimes even then I wonder what happens when I close my eyes.

When will this fear go away?