Thursday, December 18, 2014

Hope

I think I have become so desensitized by our story, our situation, that it is almost the "norm" so when I share with people our story and why we are where we are, the look of absolute horror on their faces initially shocks me. Their willingness to help us is something that is almost hard for me to wrap my mind around. It seems those closest to me do not understand the immoral behavior that lead us to where we are and aren't so willing to jump up and help as those who simply surround us. So when someone has that empathy and reaches out to us, its floods my heart and instills that hope. The hope that society isn't all bad. The hope that people DO understand. The hope for humanity. Hope is not lost.

While praying today I told Him, "I feel like I can't trust anyone." And for the first time in a LONG time I received an immediate answer. "When you feel like you can not trust anyone, trust in Me."

So very true. He knows the plan, He wrote the plan, trust in Him. Things are done in His time. Everything that happens, happens for a reason. Trust in the plan. Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord, plans to prosper you not to harm you. Plans to give you hope and a future." This verse has always stuck out to me and I think its what I need to cling to when times are hard. Do not fear the future because He has already planned it out for us.

Wednesday, December 17, 2014

Where I'm supposed to be

Backs keep turning and doors keep closing. Pretty soon I'll be all alone, but maybe that's where I was supposed to be all along? As much as you all try to push me down I keep trudging on. I will fight to survive, I will hold my head up high. No matter what happens I won't go out without a fight. I can be strong you have no idea how strong. I won't break, I have no time to break. My kids future is at stake. But for every tear drop I hide, for every emotion I refuse to let surface, it will be you whose karma will pay the price. My road is the less traveled, bumpy and dirty, the one people look down and run away screaming. But its my path and I'm doing a hell of a job with the crappy ass cards I was dealt. So keep on trying to push me down, you won't succeed. And in the end I will be exactly where I'm supposed to be.



Saturday, December 6, 2014

Family is a JOKE

I'm that girl that forgives over and over again only to be screwed over and over again. However, everyone has their breaking point. Even when it comes to family. You can only allow yourself to be screwed over, hurt, and taken advantage of so many times before you completely cut ties and well folks, thats where I am today. Someone I should have been able to trust, someone that was supposed to love me and my children put us all in danger...on purpose because of their own selfish desires. These two individuals that I used to call family took it upon themselves to let the childrens father..the one that abused me for SIX YEARS, the one that KILLED OUR SON, the one that the court only allows SUPERVISED VISITS (and hasn't even taken advantage of that) because of his violence and drug use, the one that there is currently an OPEN INVESTIGATION on...where my children and I were, details about their medical treatment, day to day lives, were even sending pictures. These people were supposed to be protecting my children BETRAY us. HOWEVER I will NEVER AGAIN allow these people to obtain such valuable information. These sick minded individual will NEVER AGAIN be around myself or any of my children. EVER AGAIN. I'm not sure they realize that they COMMITTED A CRIME themselves. Telling an ABUSER where his victims reside and other personal details about their lives is a CRIME...it is a FELONY in the state of Arizona. Better read up on your laws because before you know it Mr Phoenix Police officer is going to be knocking on your door with all the evidence they need in hand. Karma is a bitch, remember that. You put innocent children in the way of danger. And why? Because you are mentally unstable. Why your kid did it I will never know, maybe she can't make correct judgement calls because she is constantly high. I really don't know but you as a mother should have made that call for her but alas you are not in your right mind. The meds they prescribe you could do the trick, but you don't take them. You will always be the person you are. You will never change, But I have. All this crap, all these lies and bullshit you have ALL put me through makes me stronger and wiser, Sad when the 12 year old can see you for what you are. Tsk tsk. Good luck to you. I will be FINE. I might be UNTRUSTING but I will be FINE. As for you...eventually you will be all alone because you have pushed everyone else away. And I will still be pushing on.

My kids are so much better of being out of the house of LOUDNESS and drama. Its amazing what a change in environment will do for your kiddos. Sensory kids do NOT do well with LOUD MUSIC, LOUD PEOPLE, or DRAMA. My life isn't about any of that. My household is calm, quiet, and happy. No negative people no drama. And thats how I will continue on. Just me and my little family.

Because in the end, the only ones I can truly trust are my kids.




Thursday, October 30, 2014

This is MY family

Life is kind of funny in a way. Sometimes the things you think will break you, don't and in actuality make you the person you are today. Its been over a year of being a single mom and those first few months I think were the hardest, I struggled every.single.day. I NEVER thought I could do it alone, but you know what? I CAN and I HAVE for over a year done it absolutely and completely alone. Has it been hard? Heck ya! Are there days that I feel like I just can't do it? Of course. But I push on and honestly, I wouldn't want it any other way. I ENJOY parenting alone. I ENJOY making decisions and not having to worry about arguing with someone over what I KNOW is right for my babies. I did as well worry about the effects on my children, growing up without a dad, because I know how it effected me. What I have learned is every child is different. My son could care less where is dad is and really doesn't even remember who he even is, although he suffers severe trauma from the mess he left behind. My daughter was a little broken for awhile, but just recently (FINALLY) stopped asking for him and shows no interest in wanting to be around him any longer. Just goes to show you that children are very resilient and DO forget. I'm thankful that my children are very young because they do not have many memories of him. I'm thankful that my one night mistake didn't damage them further. I'm thankful that they are forgetting. My hope, the memories never resurface and my children go on with their lives never having to remember the disaster our lives were before we left. As for me, I'm mended. That one mistake may have dented me, torn me up a little, but I'm much too strong to cling to HIS mistakes. I am and always will be TOO GOOD for him. He is trash and deserves trash and thats all he will have ever in his life. TRASH. Which is exactly what he has right now. A crappy life with a trashy person in a trashy run down house that he can't even maintain and none of his children. What kind of "man" is that? Not really one that you can call a man. But alas this blog isn't about him so I will cut it there. Life, what more do you have in store for me? What is the next step to take? Time will only tell...


Sunday, August 17, 2014

Letting Go

feeling closed off
shut down and alone
with my thoughts
where suicide roams
my babies keep me centered
they keep me strong
they keep me going
thru it all
life is unjust
thats the damn truth
but i never knew quite how unjust
until i met YOU
my life wasnt easy
i was already broken
but the walls were up that you began to tare
all that i had already begun to repair
beaten and broken i already was that has clout
but your contribution made was significant no doubt
you blame it on others
its everyones fault
you arent to blame
youve done no wrong
in your mind this is the truth
you have made yourself believe
but you are delusional set the truth free
how can you look yourself in the mirror
after what youve done to me and these kids?
how can your mind not torment you
do you even have a conscience?
but all that you have done
God and our son sees
your actions will not go unpunished
He will judge you not me.

Sunday, August 3, 2014

Circa 2007

Everytime I think Im just a little bit ahead you push me back three steps. Even though at this point we arent even together your aftermath continues to destory me. The only brightness that came from our relationship was our babies and you even managed to take one of them away from me. There are very few people in this world that I truly HATE but you are one of them. You have destroyed my life since 2007 and you continue to do so. I wish you would just GO AWAY!!!!!! I wish I had never met you. I wish I had a big ass eraser to erase all trace of you from my life. You arent even worth the hate I hold inside. Just fucking disappear.

Wednesday, July 30, 2014

Into The Looking Glass


I hate myself. For believing......for trusting....for feeling anything at all. I wanted so badly for you to be different. For them. For us. For everything. I let you in with your manipulative words. I let my guard down just to be hurt....again. Im used to it I tell myself but it still does not make it right. When will I ever learn? Its like Im 13 all over again. Trusting....naive. Just wanting the approval of some guy to fill the void my dad left. So what do I do? Let my guard down because hes different....he wont hurt you again.
No.....hes the same old person. But you were different. You built yourself up from the ground floor. Your self esteem was sky high. And in one night he destroyed your empire.
Stupid, stupid girl.
Stupid, stupid girl.
He continues to beat me down.
Stupid, stupid girl.
Stupid, stupid girl.
I hate myself.
Now I live in constant fear
Sleep evades me....Im destroyed.
Stupid, stupid girl.