Monday, January 26, 2015

Work It Harder Make It Better

The seeds you used to plant to grow into these nightmares. The thoughts you put in my head of unworthiness. The lies that you would tell me about how unwanted I would be with four kids alone. The way you made me feel self conscious about everything on my body to the point where I was so far gone I never wanted to look in the mirror. The way you played every hand so perfectly that I craved your approval.

What I didn't know then, I am too good for you. I always have been. I always will be. I AM smart. I AM funny I AM pretty. And YOU knew these things but to have the control you made me think I was less than what I truly am. You continued to try to control me and you won for a little while.

But, no more.

I know too much now. More than you will ever realize. I see so much, looking through this looking glass. Its almost amazing how much comes to light and how the pieces fit together so perfectly.

We are doing great now, just so you know. The puddle you thought I would drown in, guess what, I didn't. I kept swimming. I kept it pushing, kept it 100 for THEM. Oh and they are doing great too. They are getting so big now. They are so smart. And all they need is me. Because I do for them. I've always done for them. While you always and continue to do for you.

But thats ok, all this teaches them to be strong. Independent. Happy.

You just have no idea because you are missing out. But thats ok...continue doing you. Its working for us.


Thursday, January 22, 2015

What shade of green is that?

Recently I have found myself becoming jealous of others with (what appears on the outside) "easier" lives. The mom with only one child - it must be "easy" only having to think about one childs needs, wants, emotions, etc. The mom with an extra set of hands, be it dad, or some other support - it must be nice "easy" to be able to give someone else duty for awhile so you can deal with life. The moms with only "normal" (whats normal anyway?) children - it must be "easy" to be able to send your child to any school/daycare/caregiver and not have to worry about the outcome. 

What I'm missing is no one's life is "perfect"...no one has it "easy" and what I see as "hard" are actually blessings. That mom with only one child might be the mom with several heavenly children only wishing she could have more here on Earth, or bound by medical issues impeding her to have more children, or maybe too financially burdened to have another child. That mom with that extra set of hands could be dealing with meddling relatives or a unhappy/unsafe marriage. That mom with "normal" children might have her own disabilities she is is dealing with while trying to raise her children. There is always more to the story.

Everyone has something they would like to change about themselves or their situation. But we have to deal with and be happy about the cards we are dealt. I am over the moon happy that I have four children here on Earth with me and even though I get stressed out I couldn't imagine life without them. I am blessed to have an angel that watches over me and my children. I am blessed to have custody of my babies where I can keep them safe and ensure they receive the services and basic needs that they require. I am lucky to have a child like Abel who teaches me every single day about what is important in life.

I truly am a lucky lucky girl.

Perspective.

Tuesday, January 20, 2015

Transitions

Lately I feel like I'm in one of those Charlie Brown episodes wherein I'm the teacher and the rest of society are Charlie and his friends and all they can hear is "WAH WAH WAH WAH WAH WAH WAH WAH WAH."  Perhaps I'm in a reality show that everyone else knows about but me and people are just sitting back laughing at my reactions.

Well, its a thought.

Have you ever had a conversation with someone and halfway into the conversation you get that look? You know that look, glazed over eyes, slight drool coming from the side of the mouth, stare off into the distance like you know they are thinking about all the things they have to do later that day and desperately trying to remember if they turned off the coffee pot before they left the house this morning? Yeah, I've been getting that look lately. I don't particularly like that look. I don't know, I'm weird in a way that I'd like people that I'm communicating with to actually listen to what I'm saying. But alas, I regress. These people do not know me well enough yet. They do not know that I will keep talking...and talking....and talking until they do actually listen. Whats that saying, "the squeaky wheel gets the grease?" I'm gonna be the squeakiest wheel they have ever heard. That is just who I am by nature.

That being said, I can be the biggest advocate when it comes to my children. I will scream from the rooftops to get them the services they need because they are my kids. But when it comes to other things I just don't think I have the fight in me anymore. The order of protection I have to protect myself and my children has expired. I knew the date was coming. I knew the steps to take to renew it, but I didn't. Why? I simply COULD NOT face this person in court. I couldn't do it. Not now. I do not want to see him. The thought of even filing in the court makes me want to vomit. I didn't realize how severe the trauma actually was until the time came. I can't. But now, I feel so....unprotected for lack of a better word. I just want to stay in my bed with my warm PJ's on under my big comfy blanket and never ever leave. But where would that leave me or my children? So I push on. Every.single.day. Alone. I push on.

On top of this and so many other things too personal to share in this blog, March is approaching. The weather is starting to change already. It was 74 degrees today as the high. Warmer weather, spring time, its upon us. It will be here far too soon. I'm not in a mental place to think about March, 6th birthdays, first summer vacations from school, first lost tooth, or anything else that comes along with it. Someone asked about baby Johnny today. I couldn't answer their questions. I couldn't even say where he was. Its just all too much right now.

I need a mental break.

Monday, January 12, 2015

Perspective Takes the Cake

I have always felt so badly for my babies because they have to grow up without a good male role model in their lives and this always made me feel like I was withholding something from my children, giving them a "second best" life.

Well, today, my Anaiese, my little three year old princess, showed me some perspective. In just a few simple words.

Today while Abel had is normal Monday morning therapy, Anaiese ran up to his therapist excitedly, "Miss. A....Miss. A....my Mommy is the BEST mommy in the WHOLE world!" To which Miss. A replied, "That is awesome Annie! What makes her the best Mommy?" And what she said next...well..you will see..."Because she never goes away."

Oh.my,God.

Anaiese you are simply the most grown up three year old I know. While I sit and worry about what they don't have, my little girl is only concerned with what she does have. And that folks is a constant in her life. She has a person that no matter what doesn't leave her side. Through all the up and downs and curve balls, is always in her corner. Because "she never goes away".

This also made me realize that is not my children that are hurt by the recent family estrangement or their father not being around, its these people that are hurting/will hurt because of it. These babies really don't understand or care that these people are missing, they only care if their momma is here. But these people will miss out on my babies growing up into little people. And that's the true tragedy.

Alas, I push on. I push the depressive thoughts right out the window and hold my head high for my kiddos. Afterall, I really have never gone away.


Sunday, January 11, 2015

Time To Go


You used to captivate me by your resonating light
Now I'm bound by the life you left behind
Your face—it haunts my once pleasant dreams
Your voice—it chased away all the sanity in me



I just want to fucking disappear. 

Saturday, January 10, 2015

Vagueness

I hate having a pity party for myself. I don't share my sorrows with others because I've always been told to "stiffen up" and put on my big girl panties, but sometimes that isn't so easy.

I feel like I just keep being dealt crappy hand after crappy hand.

With things ever get easier?

My heart hurts.



Wednesday, January 7, 2015

Sleep Where Are Thou?

Nightmares oh how I loathe you.

I've gone nearly a year without having nightmares. But the past few days my nightmares are back with full force. Because I am a trauma survivor nightmares are a common problem. Along with flashbacks and unwanted memories, nightmares are one of the ways in which trauma may be relived for months or years after the event. .Add my PTSD and anxiety into the mix and I'm just a mess. 


I continue to relive series of events in our relationship. The one that replays the most was the morning he decided I needed to be choked until I nearly passed out. This was the same morning I found out I was pregnant with our precious baby Johnny. I remember laying on the floor after he left for work that morning in complete shock and terror. I was so afraid to move and at the same time felt I couldn't move fast enough. My world was completely upside down and nothing made sense. Why didn't I get in my car and drive away....why didn't I run away?? Why didn't I just get away? It haunts me..obviously...still. 


Another is a new event. A plane ride. One that would seem like a enjoyable time. I thoroughly enjoy flying so to have a nightmare that includes flying is odd to me. In this nightmare I'm very calm and willingly hand over my precious babies to their sperm donor as if everything is fine. It isn't until I walk off the plane (yes for some reason I'm on the plane to get the kids situated) that I panic and realize what exactly I just did. I try to get back on the plane to get my babies but I'm too late and they are gone. The panic is paralyzing and when I awake I feel like I cant move and the tears begin to flow. 


Then there is another new event in which I am out walking with the children and he spots me. I run and run for what seems like forever but the longer I run the closer he gets and horrible degrading words he told me so many times plays over and over in my head. Eventually he catches me, ties me up, and puts me in the trunk. While he has my children in the backseat of the car. I don't know how this one ends up as I always end up waking before its over. 


There are several others....some much more gruesome and some that make no sense that I just don't feel like I can share at this point. 


I'm just so sick and tired of being afraid. I truly do not understand why he gets to continue to be free. Why can't they just lock him up and throw away the key? 


I can NOT live my life in constant fear. its not fair for me or my children. 


Its simply not fair.